This Is What Progress Looks Like - Tumblr Posts
Seven Months
Since I've had sex. This is the longest I've gone by far since I started when I was 15.
I have a very complicated relationship with sex, and I don't know if I'm prepared to write on it just yet. However I can say that he made so many things worse: shame, humiliation, and ridicule - among other things.
I was certain, back in October when we first ceased contact, that I would never have sex again.
I am not ready, but I am certain now, that I don't want that to be true.
One day, when i know myself and I trust myself, I will let someone touch me again.
And I will allow myself to enjoy it.
Seven Months
Since I’ve had sex. This is the longest I’ve gone by far since I started when I was 15.
I have a very complicated relationship with sex, and I don’t know if I’m prepared to write on it just yet. However I can say that he made so many things worse: shame, humiliation, and ridicule - among other things.
I was certain, back in October when we first ceased contact, that I would never have sex again.
I am not ready, but I am certain now, that I don’t want that to be true.
One day, when i know myself and I trust myself, I will let someone touch me again.
Can confirm that that my dislike for kissing was him only.
No progress on part 2 yet.
This worries me.
I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.
Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.
Free
My age also may be a factor, but I feel that the more secrets I let go of and tell the fewer fucks I have to give.
How much money do you have saved?
The most anxiety inducing question he asked. Now a trigger.
Hard to save when blowing it all on him. When I estimated how much I spent monthly on him, he denied it. I would provide receipts, he would deny their validity. Then he would deny that my ‘generosity’ was a ‘requirement’ for reconciliation.
But that was the point. I was set up for failure - to be a self fulfilling prophesy. And he could deny his hand in any of it.
Ultimately it was me taking more control of my finances that caused him to push me away in October. That gave me the opportunity to wake up.
So the answer to that question? I’ve exceeded the goals he set out for me, but he’ll never get to know that. Furthermore I have my own goals now, and he’ll never get to be a part of that either.
I use objects sometimes. Toys, enhancers, paraphernalia.
I use just my hands other times. Or a blanket, or a pillow.
I take my time. I explore. I learn.
I smile when I’m getting close.
I laugh through my orgasms.
I feel no guilt.
I feel sexy. I feel power. I feel whole.
Never again will this body be bound to you.
From December to Now. This is what progress looks like.
I masturbate now.
Since you found out the depths of my depravity, I found myself feeling sick when the fire within me flickered.
Not anymore. I will nourish the flame without guilt.
Cishet man makes woman extremely uncomfortable: volume 2318864314652217
I am a woman out after dark, so we all know I was asking for it, but this guy was something else. I was cruising on my phone on a bench in my city’s downtown.
Enter overly confident stranger stage right who invites me for a drink at a bar. I hesitate for half a second which of course he takes to mean yes.
Man: Of course you do, come on, we’re going.
He’s invited me to one of my regular haunts, and it’s not far from where I parked, so I reluctantly agree at his insistence. I order my usual and have to explain that I don’t drink. He looks dejected for a moment.
Man: Maybe I should stop drinking too.
Uh huh. Some chitchat was pleasant enough, then after some silly back and forth about “honesty” (”I have to be honest, I’m an engineer. Do you hate me? *eyeroll*) I let him know that I’m queer. Silly me, thinking that this would shut his ass down.
He “doesn’t get” queer. So I, thinking his question was genuine, attempt to explain that it’s handy for those of us who don’t fit under the first four letters of the alphabet soup. An umbrella term of sorts.
He asked about my sexuality personally. This was a bit presumptuous I though. However I explained that I am pansexual, and what that means.
Man: So you’re still attracted to men!
Me: ...theoretically. However my experiences have made me uninterested in men.
Man: Just experiences did that? You can’t overcome them?
Me: *a little more firmly* ... I don’t do men.
Man: So tell me, do you find me attractive?
Me: *takes a deep breathe*
Man: No, no, I guess you don’t. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to hear it.
Me: You are an attractive person. I just don’t like men.
Man: So what would make me attractive to you?
Me: .... you could start with not being a man?
Man: Well, maybe I should try to be a woman. Or nonbinary. Maybe I am a woman. Or nonbinary. I might like it. I’ve never tried it.
Me: .... it’s not like.. trying gin for the first time...
Man: but I’ve never tried it!
Me: ... That’s not the way it works.
Man: Do you want me to cut if off?
Me: This is getting weird.
Man: It sure is. Do you have a knife on you?
Me: Please... don’t. I have to go to the washroom.
I told him I needed to be up for work in the morning, thanked him for the drink and ducked out despite his protestations
Man: “Don’t you want to chill or something?”
No. I didn’t. I don’t. My sexuality is not a whim or a joke or whatever you were trying to make it. Furthermore, the gall of trying to continue to get me to fuck you after I’ve straight up told you I’m not interested is coercion and I’m not interested in being with someone who can’t take a hint glaring, obvious note.
I didn’t say any of the last bit, and I wish I had. But I’m proud that I got myself out of there. It’s progress. The old me would have suffered through that interaction further with the guilt of him having bought me a $1.75 drink. I may have even let him have me.
Not this time. Not anymore.
When I met him, he lived with his folks in one of the small towns just outside of the city in which I live. It's a pretty cute town, but as you can imagine, I have some complicated feelings toward it.
Yesterday I spent some time there reading by the water. I've decided I will make peace with it. I will also spend time there, if I please, and not cower away from the prospect of running in to his parents or his sisters.
I am not ashamed, and I will not hide.
Reclaiming
I auditioned for a play on Saturday. If I am cast it will be my first time back on stage in almost 3 years.
Taking another one back.
I got cast!
Reclaiming
I auditioned for a play on Saturday. If I am cast it will be my first time back on stage in almost 3 years.
Taking another one back.