A Little Over A Week Ago I Was Going Through A Strong " Missing Him" Phase. At Those Times I Try To Reread

A little over a week ago I was going through a strong " missing him" phase. At those times I try to reread some of my old posts to snap out of it.

This one is a gem.

IT WAS THAT BAD

When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was  some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up.  He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.  

No one would ever know.

I just want to know what it's like to be happy again. Because I have been down so long my ribs have been sewn shut and I just don't remember what a happy day feels like anymore.

I can't tell if my survivorness has made me over vigilant or if there actually a red flag. A woman on my facebook was tagged by her SO.

What do you see?

I have two haters now.  Achievement unlock?

I nearly did.

On Wednesday I had a flashback as I was walking into therapy.

It was the first few days of January in 2016 and he was confronting me about my transgressions. He had found a letter I had written to Rapist. I think I've told this story before, but reliving it this time made me drop like a tonne of bricks.

He asked what the deal was with Rapist and what he did to make me hate him so much.

I was cornered, so I told him. Telling anyone is hard, but telling someone who is unreservedly hostile and violent? He had just closed a door on my arm and kept pushing on it. It bruised purple immediately.

This was one of the hardest moments of my life ever.

After telling him I collapsed ( literally) into tears. He came over to me real gentle like as though he was going to comfort me. He whispered real softly and real close to my ear "you know, it would really make it better if you just killed yourself."

I felt his hot breathe on my ear on Wednesday.

Cptsd fun.

i basically assume that people don’t like me unless they explicitly tell me they like me and then periodically remind me