The Thought That Keeps Me Stuck In Place The Most Is That Ill Never Have The Means To Match The Lifestyle

The thought that keeps me stuck in place the most is that I’ll never have the means to match the lifestyle I feel comfortable enough in to stay alive. I’m paralyzed by it. I can’t picture a future where I’m not struggling, not in this world. So when people tell me the point of being alive is just to keep being alive, I don’t get it and I just wanna give up.

If you’re living with BPD like I am you know that stability is hard to achieve and even harder to stick to on a daily basis. DBT skills are a vital part of us getting through the ups, downs, rages and triggers, with as little collateral damage, or damage to ourselves, as possible. After going through DBT group therapy I decided to start making my own guide graphics for the skills because there simply weren’t enough cute visuals available. I often think that something has to be aesthetically pleasing for us to pay attention, and for me that means lots of colors! I make these graphics, using Photoshop and DBT skill print outs that are easily found with a google search. I also think the less clinical language can go a long way💗

*I’m not a licensed clinician or therapist, I’m a woman who’s been battling her BPD for over 16 years. Thankfully, with the help of many professionals, supportive family and friends, and some key reading, I’ve survived past the “average life expectancy” for BPD, which is 27 years of age. I’ve been practicing DBT on and off over the years, at times finding it hard to use and unhelpful in moments of distress. Only this year, after my second hospitalization, did I find the right info to finally understand how it should work and it clicked. I still struggle with the daily triggers, bouts of depression, and the feelings of emptiness, but I do find that I’m able to survive it all because the DBT skills have actually sunk in. I’m also very aware that therapy is a privilege that many can’t access, and sadly even when you can, BPD is a tough thing to diagnose, treat properly, and get the help you need. So now I’m just trying to spread the understanding, help others figure out how DBT can work, and of course, breakdown the stigma associated with BPD.

*More info about my experience with DBT*

The urge to bother my mutuals

“Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.” HENRY DAVID THOREAU

Trigger warning: su1cidal thoughts

I want to love myself. I want to love my life. I want to enjoy things. I want to be able to let go of what doesn’t serve me. I want to be happy, or at the very least be content. But currently the best I can do is hold onto enough mindfulness to follow my crisis plan when I’m holding a pill bottle in my hand.

As my therapist always says, therapy and treatment can only work if you’re alive, and the skills are there to help you stay that way.

Better buried in self-loathing and shame than in the ground, I guess.