Back To December

Back To December

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Prompt -  'So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night.’

You felt like you could hardly sit still as you sat at a small table furthest away from the door, trying to get the most amount of privacy for the conversation that was to come. Outside the window snow fell down and you rubbed your hands together, both out of nerves and in an attempt to warm them up.

You had played and replayed how this conversation was going to go a million times over in your head, planned what to say only to scrap each idea as nothing you came up with felt good enough.

The drink you had ordered had been placed on your table only seconds before the bell jingled to announce the door opening and you barely had time to thank the waitress before your mouth went dry. As much as you wanted this conversation, as grateful as you were for it, there was another part of you that wanted to run away.

But you couldn’t run away again, not when you were being given a second chance, even if it was only to have one last conversation before living the rest of your life with regrets over what could've been.

You watched as he scanned the rooms, cheeks red from the cold, before his eyes landed on you. You hated the tension clearly readable even from across the room and how he seemed to have to force his feet to make their way over to you.

“Hi.” He greeted softly, his voice sending an ache through you and you had to force yourself to swallow past the lump in your throat as he sat in the seat across from you.

“Hey,” Your voice was just as soft as his was, if a little more obviously shaky. “Thank you for coming, I’m so glad you made time to see me.”

“Yeah, well, I,” Buck started before he trailed off and shook his head. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too.” You told him with a small smile, meaning it with every part of you. It had only been two or so weeks since you had last seen him but you had missed him more than words could say. “How is everything? How’s the 118, I haven’t seen them since-” You cut yourself off, neither you or Buck needing you to finish that sentence.

“Things are good, work’s busy but I guess it always is more hectic around the holidays.” He smiled and even though it didn’t meet his eyes you were so glad to see it. “Everyone else is good, Christopher misses you.”

“I miss him too.” Breaking up with Buck was bad but it wasn’t just him you had lost, you had lost the friendship you had made with his friends. You didn’t blame any of them for cutting you off, they were his friends first and would always be in his corner before yours but you missed them all so much.

“How’ve you been?” Buck asked and you couldn’t stop the frown that pulled at your lips because truth be told you hadn’t been great but you wouldn’t tell Buck that, not when it was your fault you were having sleepless night after sleepless night, replaying the same scene, the same conversation, over in your head a million times. You spent nights crying when the memories of weekend trips invaded your mind, summer adventures where Buck drove and you sat at his side, watching him laugh as the two of you sung loudly to the radio, remembered the nights tucked against his chest with his arms wrapped around you and feeling safer than you had ever felt in your whole life.

“I’m okay.” Was about as much as you could muster up and Buck glanced away from you for only a moment before his focus was back on you. The lump in your throat was back and you forced it down, as well as the stinging you felt in the back of your eyes.

The small talk was painful to both of you, the reason why you were here hanging heavily in the air but you were still desperately trying to think of the right thing to say. Buck’s guard was so obviously up and for good reason to. You’d hurt him, you knew he had been hurt before, left behind without a second thought and you had done the same to him.

How could you tell him the reason when you didn’t fully understand why you had done it yourself? How could you tell him that you had panicked, that he had been so perfect, so incredible, always thoughtful, always putting you first, how could you tell him that it was so serious that it had scared you.

Part of you knew he would have understood if you had handled it better, if you had sat him down and told him that this was the most serious relationship you’d ever had, that you loved him more than anything and that terrified you. For some reason you hadn’t been able to bring yourself to do that though, to handle it maturely and take a breath, instead you had walked away in a panic only to regret it every day since.

Buck had every reason to keep his distance now, he had every reason not to show up at all but you were glad he had. You loved him so much and if you ever had a second chance with the man you would never take it for granted.

You shifted in your seat, sitting up straighter and wrapped your hands around your mug just for something to do with them. The lump in your throat seemed to be stuck there but you took another breath and forced yourself to address the reason you had asked Buck to come here.

No part of you was expecting him to take you back but you at least owed him an explanation. People were good at leaving Buck without one and after all the goodness and kindness he had treated you with he at least deserved a reason, he deserved to not spend anymore nights blaming himself and wondering what had gone wrong.

“I’m sorry,” you began and watched as Buck sat up straighter too, his eyes wide and sad as he looked at you and you felt your heart ache. “I’m sorry for that night, Buck. I regret it more than I’ve regretted anything.”

“Why?” Was all Buck was able to choke out and seeing the tears in his eyes made yours sting.

“I wish there was a good reason, Buck. I wish I could tell you something that doesn’t sound as pathetic as the truth.” You told him, voice cracking as you spoke and your grip on the mug tightened.

“Just tell me, Y/N/N, I need to know because I have spent every night agonising over what I did wrong.” He forced out, a single tear sliding down his cheek but he made no move to wipe it away. “I thought we were good.”

“We were, Buck. I promise you, if you don’t believe anything else I say believe this, you were perfect. You were so much more that I could ever ask for, so much more than I deserve and it terrified me. It terrified me Buck because I have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what to do with the fact that I love you Buck, I love you so much and I’m not saying this to win you back, I know I hurt you and that, that is unforgivable because you were nothing but amazing and you didn’t deserve me walking out on you and for that, Buck, I am so sorry.” By the end of the short speech tears were sliding down both your cheeks and you were glad you had sat at the back in the far corner of the room, grateful for the privacy.

“Y/N,” Buck whispered but couldn’t seem to say anything else and you smiled at him, a smile filled with sadness and regret.

“I’m so, so sorry, Buck.” You repeated shakily, “I said this wasn’t me trying to get you back and I meant that but I have spent every night since that night regretting not just talking to you, every night missing you more than anything. If I could go back and change it, go back and just talk to you, God Buck, I'd do it in a heartbeat and I’d understand you never wanting to see me again, to walk away and be done with me-”

“I love you too, Y/N/N.” Buck told you softly, cutting off whatever you were going to say next and you were glad for the interruption both because you had no idea what you were actually saying, the words just falling out of you, but also because you got to hear Buck tell you he loved you for the first time. “I love you so much and trust me I was scared too, hell Bobby and Eddie can tell you how many nights I kept them up talking about it so I get it, I just wished you’d talked to me before leaving.”

The two of you were sat with tears falling down your cheeks, looking at one another with love, sadness, hope, as well a whole mix of other emotions. Despite not knowing what was going to happen, for the first time since you’d left Buck you felt like you could breathe again, like the weight that had been sitting on your chest for weeks was finally gone and you couldn’t help but smile at Buck.

“I wish I could change how I handled it.” You told him softly and he just smiled back at you, reaching across the table and gently pried your hand off the mug to wrap in his hand, his thumb brushing gently against your knuckles.

“Promise me that next time you’ll just talk to me, Y/N. I can’t handle you walking away again.” Buck told you and your eyebrows knitted together before his words fully registered and your eyes widened.

“Next time? Buck I-”

“You were scared and overwhelmed and didn’t know how to handle it. I told you I get it but we have to talk about these things, I don’t want to lose you.” Buck cut you off and you couldn’t help but smile at his words even as more tears filled your eyes.  

“I promise, Buck.” You told him sincerely, still in disbelief that he was so open to fixing things, to not holding your mistake against you.

God, you loved him so much.

“Good because these last few weeks have been hell.” He laughed even as a few more tears slid down his cheeks. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too, Buck.” You said softly and the two of you just sat there for a moment longer, unable to look away from each other, unable to stop smiling as you did.

You might not have been able to go back in time, back to that first week of December where you had walked out of Buck’s apartment with tears sliding down your cheeks, but somehow you were here now with Buck, Buck who had the biggest heart you knew, Buck who would bend over backwards to help anyone, Buck who had the capacity to forgive no matter how many times he got hurt.

You swore to yourself as you squeezed the hand still holding yours that you would never take him for granted, would never let another day go by you don’t tell him you loved him, would never mess up your second chance with Buck.

______

Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley Taglist /

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Soon You’ll Get Better

Prompt -  'Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you, desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too.’

Owen knew he had to tell you. He had told Judd, as hard as it had been to say the words out loud for the first time, he had told him. He had told TK, or more accurately TK found out himself and Owen could no longer deny the truth, could no longer smile and pretend it wasn’t real, not when TK had looked at him with those wide, watery eyes and a tremor in his voice.

He knew he had to tell the team but he couldn’t do that because he had to tell you first. He knew Judd and TK wouldn’t tell you but they had both had countless conversations with him about how you needed to know and he knew they were right. If he were being honest with himself he was holding off telling you for the same reason he hadn’t told TK back in New York when he’d found out, he was scared.

Owen Strand was scared and it was easy to put on a wide smile and hide behind it, to push the diagnosis to the back of his mind and enjoy the time he had with you. He liked to think he was a strong man but this was different, it was different in the same way he was weak opposite TK who was hurt and terrified, he was weak because he didn’t think he could stand seeing the fear in your eyes, the look on your face every time you looked at him knowing that the cancer was eating away at him. He couldn’t stand the thought of you looking at him like he was already dead, nothing but a walking corpse.

He hadn’t known you very long but it was long enough to know you were special, to know that you would be somebody who changed his life. He cared for you deeply, from the second you walked into the firehouse and flashed him that warm smile before sitting opposite him and TK to talk about your place in the 126. He liked to think he had done a good job hiding how much he liked you from your half hour meeting but the second you left TK had turned to him with a wide grin of his own and Owen rolled his eyes as he told him to shut up before any words even left his mouth, something that only made TK smile wider.

Working alongside you was thrilling, Owen had had partners before but the way the two of you moved with each other, always knowing what the other was thinking without either of you needing to voice anything wasn’t just helpful in your line of duty but it also made Owen smile every time he thought of your silent communication, knowing that you had become so close after only a few weeks together. He let himself think of a future, he had to because he refused to think about what could happen if the chemo didn’t work. He let himself think of months or years working side by side with you, the two of you in perfect sync. It was a thought that made sitting in the hospital slightly more bearable.

Owen knew you weren’t stupid. He knew you had noticed him sneaking off during shifts only to come back slightly shaky and pale, he had gotten lucky that you hadn’t pushed it, only asking if he was ok and making sure he had a bottle of water when he returned. He knew this wouldn’t last for long though, eventually you would start pushing, asking him what was wrong and the last thing he needed was you dragging him to Michelle.

So he had to tell you, something that was easier said than done.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. In fact countless times he had invited you over with the intention to tell you about the cancer only to back out at the last second, pushing it to the back of his head as best he could before focusing on your company. He had called you into his office multiple times where there were no distractions before he always decided against it, telling Judd and TK’s disappointed looks that telling you at work wasn’t the best idea.

But he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer and swore to himself that today was the day he would tell you.

He had already invited you around for a dinner he was in the middle of cooking, TK had left the house with a warning that he better tell you tonight and Owen would make good on that promise.

Things between you and Owen were good, the two of you had been close from day one. It felt like you had known each other forever, there was no awkwardness, no strained silences. The two of you got to talking and immediately hit it off. Owen knew it was going in a good direction, he knew you liked him and God knows how much he liked you. He had seen the hints when you had been over at his place, knew that if he had just leaned in and kissed you that you wouldn’t have pushed him away.

But he couldn’t. It didn’t feel right to start something with you without you knowing about the cancer. He wouldn’t judge you if it were too much, if you decided to just be friends and stop the flirtatious looks and teasing remarks. He’d be devastated, no doubt about it, but he would understand. Jumping into a relationship with a sick man wouldn’t be ideal.

By the time you were knocking on the door Owen felt like a nervous mess and without any alcohol to soothe his nerves he felt ready to back out of this conversation again.

All the stress seemed to melt away as he opened the door, seeing you standing there with a smile on your face brought a matching one to his. You weren’t dressed up, you had long since switched from that to a more comfortable attire with the more time you spent at Owen’s house and yet somehow you still managed to take his breath away.

“Can I come in?” You laughed, causing Owen to snap back to reality and smile wider at you, shaking his head to clear his mind as he opened the door wider for you.

“Please do, dinner’s almost ready.” Owen told you as he took your coat. “Beautiful as always, dear.”

He couldn’t stop his smile from widening even as he knew the eye roll was coming.

“You okay? You sounded…I don’t know you sounded weird on the phone.” You asked as you leaned against the counter and watched Owen walk towards the pans resting on the stove.

The silence stretched for a moment too long and you frowned as you stared at his back, watching as he tensed up before seemingly forcing himself to relax.

“Owen?” You asked again and heard him sigh before turning the heat down.

He turned to face you with a serious and almost sad look on his face causing you to look at him warily, not sure what bad news he was about to deliver but knowing it was coming.

“Hey, talk to me.” You prompted softly, watching as Owen let his eyes fall closed as he took a deep breath. “It’s me, whatever it is we’ll deal with it.”

Those words had Owen smiling and opening his eyes to stare at you in wonderment. God, you were too good for him, he had no idea what he had done to deserve even meeting you. Here you were, so ready to stand beside him and create a solution to whatever it was that was bothering him.

If only it were that easy.

“I was going to wait until after dinner to tell you.” Owen began, feeling like his throat was swelling up on him.

“Tell me what?” You asked, keeping your voice soft even as your brows knitted together as you looked at him in confusion.

“C’mere,” Owen said, knowing full well he was doing nothing but buying himself a few more seconds of living in a world where you didn’t know but there was no going back now.

You let your fingers entwine with Owen’s when he held his out for you, squeezing his hand reassuringly as he led you to the living room and onto the sofa. Neither of you let go of the other as you sat next to each other, nor did you move your legs when your knees brushed together.

Owen opened his mouth only to close it against every few seconds, sure he had gone over what he was going to say to you a thousand times and that was all well and good but actually sitting here beside you, your hand in his with your thumb brushing against his skin, it felt impossible to get the words out.

“Hey,” you said quietly, not talking until Owen looked over at you and you smiled sadly when you saw fear on his face, “whatever it is I’m right here.”

Owen forced himself to swallow around the lump in his throat, his eyes suddenly burning at your words before he took a breath and nodded.

“I don’t know how I got so lucky finding you,” Owen murmured and took comfort in how your smile shifted and brightened your face. He let himself relax as he looked at you for a second longer before forcing the words out. “I should’ve told you a long time ago but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“Tell me what, Owen?” You asked again and Owen squeezed your hand before he spoke.

“I’ve got cancer, Y/N.” There, the words were out. He had actually told you and even though a weight was still resting heavily on him he felt a little bit better knowing that you knew, that going forward he was being totally honest with you even if it meant losing you.

Owen never took his eyes off you as he told you the secret only four people knew, five now that he included you. He watched as your eyes widened, watched your skin pale, saw the way your mouth fell open and tears filled your eyes seconds later once the words fully hit you.

He hated that he was the reason for such a reaction, he only wanted to draw smiles and laughs from you.

Then there was the fear that clouded your eyes, the fear he so desperately didn’t want to see. You were scared for him and Owen didn’t want that, he didn’t want you worrying that every second you spent with him would be your last or if he was suddenly going to kneel over mid conversation.

“Y/N, I’m alright.” Owen said when minutes had passed and you had yet to say anything. His words seemed to snap you back to reality and you swallowed around the burning lump in your throat, feeling tears well in your eyes as you stared at Owen.

“No, you’re not.” You whispered, a hundred questions racing through your mind.

“Hey,” he said softly, not letting go of the hand he was holding as he lifted his other to cup your cheek and wipe the few tears that had leaked out. “I’m really ok or as ok as I can be. I’m on the treatments the doctors want me on and they like my chances. I’m ok, sweetheart, I promise.”

You leaned into the touch on your cheek before shifting forward to press your forehead against Owen’s and heard the soft chuckle as he held you close to him, both of you silent for the next few minutes as you took in what he had told you.

“You said you're on the treatment, does that mean chemo?” You whispered, not wanting to move away from him.

“Yeah, yeah they have me on chemo. That part is hard, I won’t lie but they say it looks good so I can’t complain.” Owen reassured you and you nodded against him, needing another moment to take in everything.

“Does TK go with you?” You asked, hating the thought of Owen going through this alone.

“He has been but he only found out not too long ago-”

“You’ve been doing this alone?” You asked him, interrupting whatever else he was going to say.

“Of course that’s the part that upsets you the most.” Owen chuckled but brushed his thumb across your cheekbone, keeping you in place when you went to pull away. “It’s not too bad, well except for this guy who comes in when I do and, well story for a different time but I’ve been ok.”

You nodded again and let the silence stretch despite having more questions to ask, wanting to know exactly what type of cancer he had, how far along it was, how long had he been on chemo, how long had he been dealing with this alone if TK only found out recently? Instead of asking them though you squeezed Owen’s hand in yours and lifted your free one to rest on top of his still resting on your cheek. Owen smiled as you turned your face slightly to press a soft kiss to his palm.

“I really don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He told you again and you shook your head with a smile because really it was the other way around.

Seeing Owen sat in the hospital chair, wires connected to a machine and a needle being pushed into his skin, made your heart ache. He looked tired though and yet even now, even when he was the one who needed you to be brave, there he was smiling over at you and reaching a hand out for you.

“I’m alright.” He assured you and you couldn’t help but laugh softly.

You forced yourself to relax in your seat as you reached for his hand and squeezed it softly, letting your thumb brush against his skin as you smiled at him. Even though he knew you were scared you couldn’t tell him that, not whilst he was the one suffering.

It was hard to hide your fear though, under the hospital lighting Owen looked exhausted, his own fear well disguised for your sake no doubt. You knew it was your turn to push away how scared you were, Owen needed you to be brave right now.

It had been two weeks since you found out he had cancer, weeks you had spent trying to come to terms with it but it seemed impossible. Owen having cancer seemed like it wasn’t real, how could this man, this charming, confident, caring man suddenly be sick, be in a hospital chair getting treatment for cancer?

It didn’t seem real and yet here you were with him.

In the two weeks you had known you had familiarised yourself with orange bottles filled with different pills, listened as Owen explained what they were for. More than once you had raised the issue of if he should be working, if he should be running into smoke filled buildings when he had lung cancer but each time he brushed you off and told you he wasn’t going to give up his job.

Some nights you found yourself so consumed by fear it felt like you were going out of your mind, the idea of losing Owen…

Every time TK called you you got a burst of anxiety, expecting the worst and then having to swallow down how scared you had been for a second once he started talking and everything was fine. You had never been heavy on religion, never found much comfort in praying but you had spent countless nights since finding out praying to anyone who would listen that Owen would be ok.

“I know you are.” You told him, proud when your voice didn’t shake.

“You sound like you actually believe that.” Owen told you with a laugh and you couldn’t stop your smile from widening.

“Of course I believe it,” you told him, letting yourself focus on being with Owen, on making sure he was as ok as he could be and not having to worry about you. “You’ll be out of here before you know it.”

“It’s not so bad now that you’re here.” Owen smiled and you squeezed his hand again, watching as his eyes drifted down to them before he raised them to press a kiss against the back of yours. “Thank you for being here, sweetheart.”

“Nowhere else I’d rather be.” You told him, forcing your smile to stay in place and the tears to disappear before they had the chance to fill your eyes.

“I can think of a hundred different places I’d rather take you.” Owen chuckled and you found it easy to laugh with him causing his smile to grow.

“Soon you’ll get better and we can go wherever you want.” You grinned at him and he kissed your hand again as he smiled over at you, completely enamoured by you.

When he told you about his cancer he had expected you to put distance between the two of you, to put a stop to the flirting and the touches, the lingering gazes, he expected all of it to stop. Never in all the scenarios he had played out had he imagined you sat at his side at every doctor's appointment or chemo session, never had he pictured you squinting down at orange bottles, frowning at the long words and googling what they were.

He didn’t know what he had done to deserve you, it was a question he pondered before telling you about the cancer and it was a question that he couldn’t wrap his head around after telling you. He knew you were scared but no matter what you stuck to his side, if he tried to sneak away to throw up you were there with a glass of water and his toothbrush, if he needed a minute to catch his breath you were there comfortingly rubbing your fingers along his back. Whenever he needed you you were there and he thanked God for bringing you to him every day.

He’d get better, he’d seen the chemo out and do whatever the doctors asked of him if it meant he could make good on his promise to take you to the hundred other places he’d rather be with you, to experience a life and a future with you.

Owen Strand would get better and you would be there every step of the way.

---

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Hold You To That

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Prompt - ‘A person could hold a longing in them all their life, but every now and again it broke the surface and breathed.’

Sometimes it was easier to distance yourself from a situation, when you could see it playing out in front of you, could see that you were only setting yourself up for heartbreak, setting yourself up to fail, it was easier to take a step back and reevaluate the situation.

It was the smart thing to do, taking yourself away from the situation would save you a world of pain, of hurt, of wasting your nights away thinking about the what if’s. And you were smart, you usually put yourself first and could deal with things not going your way.

But when it came to him…god you felt like you were the dumbest person alive. You’d tried at the beginning, you really had tried to step back, to put some distance between the growing friendship when you realised your eyes gazed at his smile for too long, when you realised you were doing anything to hear his laugh, you really had taken a step back and thought of the pros and cons.

There hadn’t been too many cons but there was one major one that stopped you telling him how you felt.

Penelope Garcia also liked him.

You could see it a mile away, could see it in the way she insulted him and complained about him behind his back. You could see it in the stolen glances both of them risked and the smiles that pulled at their faces when the other looked away.

You knew letting your feelings develop would only hurt you but by the time you had realised they were there it was too late.

Luke and you had been fast friends, it hadn’t taken more than a conversation or two for you to feel comfortable around him; to start smiling naturally around him. The two of you worked well together, easily able to read each other without a word and moving together silently to catch whatever unsub you were dealing with. It hadn’t taken long for Hotch to notice and the two of you were paired together more often than not nowadays.

The close bond you’d developed at work bled into your personal lives and it wasn’t long before you were spending as much time at the other's house as you were your own. Luke had a draw of your things in his place, clothing and toiletries swapped from your to go bag into his draw and bathroom, his hoodies had found their way into your closest as his own spare sets of clothes lay in their own draw and a collection of Roxy’s toys and spare bowls occupied a corner of your living room like they’d always been there.

By the time you realised you liked Luke it was too late, you and Luke’s lives were so connected, the daily routines you had made around each other were too developed. You tried putting some distance between the two of you, tried keeping it professional and only seeing him at work but Luke hadn’t let that last for more than a few days before he called you out on why you were avoiding him. Obviously you hadn’t been able to tell him the real reason and that had left you standing in front of him like an idiot as your mouth opened and closed before you were saved by Hotch calling you all into brief on the newest case.

Distance hadn’t worked, so instead you tried just shoving your feelings down. Naturally that also didn’t work but there wasn’t much else you could do. It was hard to hide how you felt, watching as Penelope and Luke went back and forth with each other and having to hide how much it hurt you was difficult at the best of times but when you were surrounded by some of the best profilers in the country…well it was nearly impossible. Thankfully though most of the team hadn’t noticed, you were pretty sure Rossi knew from the sympathetic looks he shot you but he had never called you out on it so you didn’t mind you hadn’t completely been able to hide it.

It had been years since Luke had joined the team and not much had changed, Luke and Penelope had only gotten more comfortable around each other, you had continued to fall harder and harder for Luke as each day passed and kept on shoving it so far down until it hurt.

“Y’know,” Rossi said from your side, causing you to startle as you hadn’t heard him. You had been too busy watching Luke lean against the counter, giving Penelope a soft smile as she had her back turned to him, their words not loud enough for you to hear from your desk. “Sometimes we put other people’s happiness above our own too much.”

You turned away from the break area and looked at Rossi who was leaning against your desk, looking at you with a soft look of concern.  

“Rossi,” you began with a sigh, “I’m not about to ruin my friendship with Penelope just to get rejected.”

“Who said anything about rejection?” Rossi shot back, his lips twitching upwards as you rolled your eyes and gestured discreetly over to the pair.

“Seriously, Rossi? Aren’t you meant to be one of the best profilers? They like each other, I’ve known that for years now so any hurt I’m feeling is on me.” You told him, trying to keep your voice firm but it shook a little, betraying you, not that you could hide much from Rossi.

“Y/N,” Rossi sighed, bringing his hand up to rest on yours but you shook your head and pulled away from him as you stood from your seat.

“Please just drop it, Rossi.” You pleaded softly and Rossi just nodded at you sadly, watching as you walked away.

Luke’s attention was pulled away from Penelope and over to you, his smile softening as he watched you and Rossi talking amongst yourselves. It only took a moment before his eyebrows knitted together as he watched you swallow hard, your jaw tensing as you listened to whatever Rossi was saying. It was when you stood up that he took a step forward without meaning to, noticing how shaky your hands were even as you clenched them in a fist to hide it.

He watched as you left the room and missed the way Rossi’s eyes followed him as he left after you.

“Hey,” he called and watched as you tensed before seemingly forcing yourself to relax as you stopped and waited for him to catch up to you with a few quick strides. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” you told him as you looked past his shoulder rather than at him. “Rossi and I were just, it doesn’t matter, everything’s fine.”

“Y/N,” he murmured softly and watched as your jaw tightened slightly, “c’mon talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you told him, keeping your voice as even as you could before taking a steadying breath. “Listen, if there was something to talk about I’d tell you, ok?” You lied and watched as Luke looked over you once more before nodding.

“Alright,” he said with a smile and you felt yourself relax, sure maybe you and Luke would never be a thing and you would spend so much time longing over what could have been but Luke was still here, he was still smiling at you, he was still your friend and that was enough.

It had to be.

“You wanna get some lunch?” He asked you, keeping his tone light and smile in place. “My hands cramping from all this paperwork.”

You laughed and suddenly Luke felt his smile become more real, of course he was still worried over whatever you and Rossi had been talking about but if you wouldn’t talk to him then the least he could do was take your mind off it.

“Sure, I could use a break.” You answered and mirrored his expression back to him even if it did carry a hint of sadness in it, you would savour any moment you had with Luke, dating or not.

“Good, my treat.” He insisted and when you went to open your mouth he shushed you before he broke out into a grin and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into him as he led you to the elevator.

And so it passed like that for a long time, you forcing yourself to be content just being Luke’s friend, watching as him and Penelope settled into whatever kind of relationship they had going and your feelings for Luke just never letting up, never giving you a break.

You thought it might have been easier when Penelope left, much as you hated the thought because you loved Penelope, she was one of your best and closest friends, but not having to watch her and Luke every day at work made it easier to ignore your feelings, ignore the hurt you hated feeling when you saw them together.

It had been easier for a while until covid hit and the team was pulled apart, you and Luke were pulled apart. Where Luke, JJ and Rossi got to stay with the BAU, Spencer and Matt had been sent on secret missions that only Emily, with her promotion, and the other FBI higher ups were allowed to know about, Tara had been sent well honestly you were even sure where she was now but you hadn’t seen here in too long and then there was you.

You had been requested back with the FBI’s Undercover and Sensitive Operation Unit, a job you had worked for years prior to transferring to the BAU. You hadn’t minded at first, honestly you hardly protested at all, Emily promised it was a three month assignment and then everyone would be back together and as much as the thought of not seeing Luke for three months ached another part of you needed it.

But now it had been three years, the undercover mission you had originally been assigned to long since complete, along with four others and here you were in California deep undercover as you worked a drug case. You and Luke hadn’t seen each other for more than a few minutes in nearly two years and now here you were on opposite ends of the country, not even able to call each other for fear of blowing the operation.

Thankfully you were nearing the end of this operation, waiting on one last bit of evidence that would find all the big names in jail before the week was over. It only took two more days before you were in a hotel room, dreading the call where you’d have to decline another operation because…honestly you were drained. You missed your team, you’d done three years of back to back undercover work and you just wanted to go home.

You missed your friends, missed your own bed, your own identity. You missed Luke. God, you missed him so bad. You didn’t know what was happening with him anymore, three years ago the two of you couldn’t have imagined going a day without seeing each other yet alone nearly two years.

You used to love your position with the undercover unit but after spending so much time with the BAU you knew that was where you were meant to be. Just as you sat on the bed and picked your phone up to call Emily and plead with her to get you back it lit up with a call from Luke.

You felt some of the tension leave you just seeing his name before your eyes went wide and you quickly answered it. Luke never called, he knew it was dangerous to call you and you hadn’t let him know your operation was over.

Something was wrong.

“Hey, can you talk?” He asked, a smile on his face as the video call connected but he kept his voice hushed.

“Luke,” You breathed out, cursing yourself as you felt your eyes sting at hearing him for the first time in months, you took a shaky breath before nodding. “I finished my op today, I was just about to call Emily and then you.”

“Oh thank God!” Luke breathed a sigh of relief as his smile broke out into a grin, “I’ve missed you, Y/N/N.”

“I miss you too.” You choked out, feeling the tears you’d tried to blink away well up and you shook your head as you let out a shaky laugh. “I miss you so much.”

You didn’t care if Luke pieced it together, didn’t care that right now you were just too tired to push down your feelings, didn’t care that they had been dragged up to the surface so abruptly and it was too much. You didn’t know if Luke and Penelope were together, you knew they had gone on a date before everything had been ripped apart so you hadn’t exactly been able to keep up to date with how it had gone but right now you didn’t care.

You just wanted Luke.

“Hey, hey, you’re alright.” Luke murmured softly, his own eyes tearing up as he swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“I’m sorry,” you sniffed as you wiped at your eyes, “I’m sorry, I’m just so tired, Luke. I just want to come home, I miss everyone so much, I miss you. I’m gonna call Emily and see if she can arrange for me to come back because I can’t do another six months away.”

“Well then I’m glad I called,” Luke smiled and your eyebrows knitted together as you looked at him but before you could say anything Luke spoke, “we’ve got a situation down here and we need you back.”

You let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob causing Luke to grin at you through the phone and you grinned back even as more tears slid down your cheeks.

“Thank you.” You managed to choke out and Luke’s smile widened even more.

Luke had briefed you on what they had so far which, admittedly, wasn’t much. He gave you the rundown and had one of the new tech analysts send you over whatever else they had so once you boarded the plane you filled the five hour flight with getting up to speed with the case.

By the time you landed it was already midday so you got an uber to your apartment, took a quick shower and only spared half of a longing glance towards your bed before changing into some work clothes and heading over to join everyone else.

You felt a wave of relief hit you once you were in the elevator and nearly cried with happiness as the door opened and you could see your desk. You walked in and saw through the window that everyone had gathered in the round table room so made your way up the stairs and stood in the doorway.

It only took a moment for Emily to glance over at you before her face lit up and she made her way over to you, her arms already open and you easily went into them wrapping your arms around her and forcing yourself not to cry.

“Oh it is so good to see you.” She said and you could only nod into her shoulder and grip her a little bit tighter. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t get you back sooner.”

You nodded again into her shoulder and pulled away from her, giving her a shaky smile. You opened your mouth to tell her it was ok but you were stopped when you saw movement behind her, glancing over her shoulder to see Luke standing up and staring at you with wide, also watery, eyes.

“Y/N.” Luke said softly, so softly you almost didn’t hear him, especially over the sound of your heart pounding in your chest.

Emily looked between the two of you as she stepped aside but you hardly noticed her any more as you took two steps forward, Luke moved forward to and pulled you into his arms, you practically melted into them, unable to stop the tears as you buried your head in Luke’s chest and he gripped the back of your jacket tightly in his fists.

“I missed you so much.” He whispered into your hair and you nodded against him, letting out a shaky breath before you were able to speak.

“I missed you too, every day, every single day.” You told him, the words muffled against his shirt but he heard them clearly and you squeezed your eyes shut tightly when you felt him press a gentle, lingering kiss to the top of your head.

The two of you didn’t move, content to stay in each other’s arms after going so long without seeing each other, needing to feel the other against you, hear them breathing and feel them in your arms to reassure yourself that they were here. You probably would have stayed like that all day if you were interrupted.

“Alright, alright we get it, you two missed each other.” Rossi said, causing you to jump slightly and feel more than hear Luke’s chuckle. “But other people missed you too, kid.”

You grinned into Luke’s chest even as your cheeks were stained with tears before pulling away, looking up at him and feeling your cheeks heat up to see him smiling so softly at you. You finally glanced away and looked over to Rossi who winked at you causing you to laugh softly before you let him pull you into a tight hug.

“I missed you too, Rossi.” You murmured, brushing one hand up and down his back as you lowered your voice slightly, knowing that everyone else in the room could still hear but it didn’t matter. “And I’m really sorry I couldn’t be here for you-”

“Hey now, none of that.” Rossi interrupted and pulled you away from him before placing his hands on your cheeks and gently brushing the tears away causing you to smile sadly at him. “I’m okay and you’re back now, nothing else matters.”

Your heart ached as you looked at Rossi, losing Krystall had taken its toll on him but he was right you were back and he was ok, things would be ok. Rossi patted your cheeks gently before he pulled you close and placed a kiss on your forehead causing your smile to brighten.

“It’s really good to have you back, kid.”

And you were back, immediately thrown into work with no more catching up with anyone. It was impossible to crack anything without Penelope and your heart ached something fierce when Luke offered to go and try to get her back. You’d forgotten how much this bit hurt, for three years you hadn’t had time to dwell on it, too wrapped up in your undercover work to even think about your actual life but now it was like you never left.

You shook your head and focused back on the case at hand, working away until Luke walked back into the room and handed a hot mug which you took gratefully.

“How’d it go with Penelope?” You asked and watched as he shook his head with a frown.

“I get it, you know?” He said and your eyebrows knitted together as you waited for him to carry on. “This job takes its toll on all of us but her, it took everything she had and she never complained. I hate that we’re trying to drag her back into this.”

“If there was another option you’d take it, even if it took longer to crack the case, you’d take it to protect Penelope. This isn’t on you, Luke, whatever happens in this case, if Penelope comes back and it’s too much, that’s not on you.” You assumed they were together, they had to be, it had been years since their first date and there was no denying their chemistry, so you’d sit back like you always had and not get it in the way of that, no matter how much you selfishly wanted to after being away for so long.

“God, I’ve missed having you around.” Luke breathed out and you smiled over at him. “When this case is over I’m taking you out for dinner, it’s my turn to buy.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” You laughed and shifted closer to him, close enough that your arms brushed against each other and you hesitated for a moment before letting yourself have one selfish moment, Luke wouldn’t think too much of it, you’d been gone for so long it made sense you’d be a bit more clingy.

You let your head rest against his shoulder and felt Luke relax into the touch as he gently rested his head on top of yours, tilting slightly so he could press a kiss into your hair as he did. Neither of you spoke, both of you were content where you were.

That brief moment of peace was all you were able to steal before you were separated again, Luke working with JJ on finding a connection as you stayed with Penelope, who had thankfully come back because you seriously didn’t know how you were going to finish this case without her.

You desperately wanted to ask Penelope about her and Luke, wanted to know as badly as you didn’t want to know but you couldn’t ask her yet. Now wasn’t the time, right now you had to focus on the case.

“I’m telling you I hate this guy, hate him! I mean first he brings me back to this job and I love you people, Y/N, you know I love you with my whole heart but I was out! And then he refuses to work with me, like I’m the problem, me! And now, now Rossi and Emily are teaming up and making me work with him.” Penelope ranted as the two of you walked to the ballpen, a smile on your face as you listened to her.

God, you really had missed being back.

“Good luck.” You grinned as you made your way over to your desk, Luke already leaning against it, as Penelope turned to glare at you before disappearing into the room with Tyler Green.

“Think Rossi will be able to get anywhere with him?” You heard JJ ask as you joined them, leaning against the desk next to Luke who was looking towards the briefing room with a fond grin.

“I think the real question is, will he survive Garcia? It looks like Tyler Green is Garcia's Most Hated." Luke said, amusement clear in his tone and you smiled even as you felt a pang of hurt at the affection in his voice.

“Sounds like you miss it, buddy.” Tara said with a grin and Luke chuckled warmly as he turned back to you all.

“No. He can have that title.” Luke said, the fondness in his expression staying even as you got to work on the case, pointedly ignoring every time you and Luke brushed against each other.

The case seemed to lead to more dead ends than anything else, victims and witnesses refusing to help and share their story, share who their attacker was, it was driving you crazy.

“Here,” Luke said, handing you a warm to go cup and a sandwich from the coffee shop down the road. “You look like you can use a break.”

“God you’re the best, Luke Alvez.” You grinned as you took the items from him and both sat at your desk. “I feel like I can’t complain though, I mean this case is rough but I’ve missed being here.”

“We never did get a chance to talk about your undercover ops.” Luke prompted after swallowing a bite of his own sandwich. “I know you can’t say much but are you ok? I mean from what little you told me and what I was able to piece together from Emily, it seems like it was just back to back assignments with no chance to breathe.”

“I don’t know, I mean, it’s the unit I worked with before the BAU so I already knew how hard it was but…I don’t know, Luke. I mean I’m tired, I’m exhausted but I also haven’t had a moment to think about adjusting back from that to this. It’ll hit me at some point, it always does, but I guess we’ve been so busy here it just hasn’t yet.” You told him, wishing you could go into detail but even if you were allowed to you wouldn’t share it with anyone, especially Luke, he didn’t need to know the horrors you’d seen out there.

Luke reached over and cupped his hand on your knee, giving it a gentle squeeze before letting it rest there as he spoke.

“You call me, the second it hits you, you call me and I’ll be there.” Luke promised and gave you a stern look that caused you to smile before you nodded.

“I promise.” You swore and Luke nodded once seriously before a smile broke out on his face and he switched the conversation to a lighter topic and if your gaze stayed locked on his smile for longer than necessary, well you were allowed to be a little bit selfish sometimes.

“Give me a minute,” you interrupted Luke as you watched Penelope leave the briefing room looking shaken. Luke turned to follow your gaze and frowned in concern but watched the two of you leave together and he knew Penelope was in good hands.

“Hey, what happened?” You asked softly as the two of you entered Penelope’s office.

“I don’t want to talk about it but that guy, Tyler Green, is a jerk and he infuriates me.” Penelope fumed and you nodded at her, knowing her well enough to see she’d shut down even more if you carried on questioning her.

“Alright, so we won’t talk about it.” You agreed easily and she turned to face you with a grateful look. “We’re still waiting for leads to be verified so I’m free until they call me away.”

“How are you?” Penelope suddenly asked and you frowned at her, did you really look so bad that both Luke and Penelope were concerned? “Sorry, I just meant, this whole Sicarius thing has been constant since we both came back, I missed you like crazy and we’re together again and haven’t spoken about anything but this stupid case.”

“I’m okay,” you told her, unsure why you were lying so easily to her but hadn’t been able to tell Luke the same thing. “Once this case is over we’ll have a girls night but for now, I really just want to focus on this case.”

“You’ll tell me if you need anything, won’t you? Even just a hug.” Penelope asked and you couldn’t help but chuckle warmly at her as you nodded, a surge of love filling you as you looked at your best friend.

This is why you stayed silent all those years, why you let yourself fall in love with Luke Alvez without a word. It was because you loved Penelope Garcia, she was your best friend and if Luke made her happy then you would never get between that.

“What’s going on?” You asked Luke as you slipped back into the bullpen a while later and Luke shifted closer to you as he filled you in on the new lead, telling you that there was something connected to Sicarius in Georgia.

“JJ, Luke, I want the two of you in Georgia by nightfall.” Emily commanded and you couldn’t help but frown slightly, watching as Luke’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion as he glanced between you and Emily, even JJ looked slightly surprised you and Luke weren’t being paired together.

“Um, yeah sure, on it.” JJ murmured as she tapped Luke’s arm and gestured for him to follow her.

“Be safe.” You told him softly and he took your hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze before nodding and turning to follow JJ and you could only watch him leave before turning to Emily who spoke before you could.

“I need you in with Tyler Green, Garcia refuses to work with him, see if he knows anything about Benjamin Reeves and get him and Garcia on the case together.” She said, passing a file to you before turning on her heel and walking away.

You sighed before heading into the briefing room and placing the file down.

“You’re new.” Tyler said as he lifted his gaze to you and you nodded at him.

“Agent Y/L/N.” You told him before jumping right into why you were here. “Benjamin Reeves, does that name ring a bell to you?”

“Well hello to you too,” he muttered but you just sat down next to him and pulled the tablet close to you. “Reeves, no, never heard of him. Should I have?”

“Maybe, he’s a possible Sicarius connection we’re looking into, could be nothing, could be something.” You explained, turning to face Tyler. “ Reeves had a thing for biting people, a wannabe cannibal.”

“Now that rings a bell.” Tyler told you and you raised an eyebrow, gesturing for him to continue. “Look up the term ‘overbite’, you should get something.”

It took you a few minutes to pull the servers up, you weren’t bad with technology but you were no Penelope Garcia and all of this looked like a different language to you. Eventually you had overbite searched up and results appeared. You and Tyler went through the chats together, him explaining the private chats to you as you searched for something.

“I don’t get it.” You murmured to yourself causing Tyler to raise an eyebrow at you.

“Get what?” He asked when you didn’t say anything else and just continued to stare at the screen.

“A rich kid like him, he has everything, there’s no way Sicarius found a way to convince Reeves to kill himself when things got bad. This Sicarius, much as I hate the bastard, is smart, he’s planned for every version of events, every contingency, so why bring Reeves in?” You questioned, not so much directing them to Tyler but needing to work through it aloud.

“Think about it,” Tyler said and you turned to look at him expectantly. “Sicarius has this whole operation, something like this costs money. Your Reeves guy, he’s the funding, I’d bet Reeves knows all about Sicarius’ operation and he has special privileges.”

“But soon enough Reeves’ will just be a loose end.” You realised, standing up to go and tell Emily they needed to find Benjamin Reeves.

You didn’t have a good feeling about this.

Before you left the room you turned to Tyler, you needed Penelope on this case and Tyler seemed to be proving useful.

“Listen, we need to know everything Reeves and Sicarius are talking about. We need to find out what their plans are. This could be our shot at Sicarius. Now I can’t do it, you don’t know where this private forum is but…” You said watching the man sigh before he interrupted you to finish your sentence.

“Penelope can. Fine, bring her back in.” He told you and you laughed at him before shaking your head.

“I have a serial killer to help catch, you’re gonna have to grovel and get her back yourself.” You grinned at him and watched him put his head in his hands. “Talk to Rossi, he’s good at messing up with women and winning them back.”

“Emily!” You called as you watched her enter the room, jogging down to meet her half way. “Tell me you still have Reeves’ here.”

“No, he was let go.” She told you and you cursed softly causing her to frown. “What is it?”

“We need to get to him. Now.” You told her and you were already moving past her, nearly knocking into the Deputy Director.

Both of them followed you out and into one of the SUV’s as you filled Emily in on your theory that Reeves’ was a lot closer to Sicarius than any of you had originally thought, that Reeves could be the one to lead you to the head of the network.

“Fuck!” You cursed as you all entered the house and saw the Senator dead on the floor, bite marks clear on her face and body and you turned away from her, not able to feel anything but anger at the thought of your best lead slipping away.

The ride back to the office was quiet and you prayed Penelope had managed to find something, no doubt that Tyler would have listened to you and convinced her back to the case. You checked your phone before getting out of the car and forced yourself to breathe when you saw Luke hadn’t texted you back.

As you and Emily walked in Tara was already making her way over to you with a tablet in hand.

“Benjamin Reeves' jet just touched down at the Municipal Airport in Whitfield County, Georgia." She told you both urgently.

“What?” You said, frowning as you snatched the tablet of her and read over it.

“That's where he said the ‘buried treasure’ was.” Emily murmured as she looked over your shoulder and down at the tablet.

“Something's not right.” You said as you pushed the tablet into Emily’s hands and pulled your phone out, already pulling up Luke’s contact.

“What...he should be flying to Brazil. Why would he lead us to more evidence?” Emily asked in confusion as she thought back to their conversation.

“You think it's a trap?” Tara asked her but Emily shook her head.

“No. I think Benjamin Reeves is a patsy and he's too dumb to know it.” She said.

“I’m calling Luke, I’ll let him know him and JJ have company.” You said, phone already against your ear as you spoke.

“Hey Y/N/N, we’ve just got here, how’s everything back there?” He asked and you felt a shiver of fear run through you, something really wasn’t right with this case and it had you on edge. Every part of you wanted to tell Luke to fall back, that it was a dead end and to come home, part of you wanted to scream at Emily for not letting you go with Luke.

“Reeves is coming to you.” You said instead and pushed everything down into the same space you kept your feelings for Luke. “His jet just landed there, be careful Luke.”

“Hey, I’ll be fine.” Luke assured but something in you wasn’t letting you relax.

“Luke,” you breathed into the phone and you heard him tell JJ to wait a second, there was some rustling and you assumed he was taking the phone off speaker and moving a few steps away from JJ.

“Talk to me, what’s wrong?” He asked and you shook your head, seeing Tara and Emily looking over at you and you followed Luke’s lead as you moved into the hallway.

“I don’t know, ok? I just-Luke, I have a really bad feeling about this one.” You told him, not wanting to worry him but you always trusted your instincts, you’d rather Luke be overly aware of his surroundings and nothing happening than have him let his guard down and Reeves get the upper hand.

“Alright, okay, I trust you, Y/N. We take this one seriously, careful every step of the way. I’ve got JJ watching my back.” Luke assured and you took a shaky breath that he picked up on. “Hey, I promise you I am going to be back with you soon.”

“God, I hate Emily for not letting me go with you.” You mumbled into the phone and let Luke’s laugh wash over you.

“Yeah, right now I’m pretty glad she kept you there if you think something bad is going down out here.” He told you and you couldn’t help the fond eye roll that escaped you. “Rather have you worrying back there than risk anything happening to you out here.”

“Just be careful, ok?” You asked softly and you heard his voice soften too when he spoke.

“I promise.” He told you seriously, causing you to nod even though he couldn’t see you. “We’re gonna head out now, satellite found a hidden door, our body cams and radios are gonna be on the whole time, alright?”

“Alright. Just…I’ll see you soon, yeah?” You asked and you could hear the smile in his voice when he replied.

“Yeah Y/N/N, I’ll be home soon.” He said and the two of you let the silence wash over you before you finally pulled the phone away and hung up, heading to the briefing room where everyone else was already set up.

“We’re live.” Penelope said as the screen showed both body cameras and she pointed out which was which.

You moved over to stand at the table, the radio in front of you and you felt like you couldn’t breathe, hardly let yourself blink as you scanned the screens in search for anything.

You really didn’t like this.

The team around you spoke but you paid them no mind, only listening when Luke’s voice came through the radio.

“We’re going in.” He announced as you watched him pull the bunker door open and you stood straighter at his words, dread filling you as they entered.

Luke walked in first and JJ followed after him, giving you perfect sight of both Luke and the bunker. At first it just looked like the other shipping containers that had been found but then you saw something, something the others hadn’t clocked yet.

“Oh my god.” You whispered and startled when a cell phone rang in the container.

“What the hell is that?” You heard JJ ask but your hand pressed the button on the radio before anyone could register what was happening.

“Luke, get the hell out, it’s a bomb!” You yelled into the radio and watched as Luke shouted at JJ to get out.

Then the cameras went out and you could only stare at them in horror.

“Luke, Luke, come in.” You said into the radio but there was no answer. “Luke, please.”

The team around you spoke but you couldn’t hear them, you continued to plead into the radio, begging for Luke to answer you until you were pulled away and only then did you snap back to reality to see Rossi looking at you in concern but before he could say anything Penelope called your attention to the screen.

“Oh! Oh! One of the camera’s is back online.” Your head shot around, tears falling harder down your cheeks when you realised it was JJ…Luke’s was still out. “Where’s Luke? I take back every mean thing I ever said about him. Please let him be ok.” Penelope said before excusing herself to see if she could get communications working from her office.

You didn’t have it in you to be hurt by the blatant reminder that him and Penelope were a thing, you didn’t care, you just needed him to be ok.

You turned to leave the room but Rossi caught you by the arm and gently spun you around to face them, Emily raised an eyebrow at you as Rossi spoke.

“Where are you going?” He asked and you shook your head as you tugged your arm free from his light grip.

“Georgia.” Was all you said before turning to leave again but Emily stopped you this time.

“Y/N, wait-”

“I’m going, Emily!” You snapped as the tears fell harder down your face. “You already stopped me going once, you’re not stopping me again.”

“Douglas,” she said after giving you a hard look, “it’s time.”

The Deputy Director didn’t say anything, just looked from Emily to you before nodding and gesturing for her to go. You didn’t know what they were talking about and honestly you didn’t care, you were going to Georgia.

You pressed the button for the elevator and shot Emily, Tara and Rossi a confused look as they stood with you but before you could ask what they were doing Garcia came up to them just as they stepped into the elevator.

“Where are you- you’re going to Georgia. Driving or…oh,” Penelope managed a smile as she nodded at you all, piecing together something you hadn’t. “Return it filled up and not just with fuel. Bring them home.”

“We will,” Emily said confidently enough that you believed her and you just hoped she was right. “Wheels up.”

Your eyes widened as you turned to look at her, you hadn’t asked but with all the politics and budget cuts it made sense why the jet hadn’t been mentioned. You didn’t think too much about it though, just thankful you had a quicker way of getting to Luke.

The hour-long flight felt like forever. Rossi sat next to you on the plane but other than holding your hand and letting you squeeze it tightly in yours he didn’t try and comfort you. You hadn’t stopped crying, you needed to see Luke with your own eyes, praying to God he was alright.

“Oh, thank God.” Emily said as you arrived on the scene and JJ and Luke made their way over to you.

You had frozen a few steps behind Emily, Tara and Rossi when you saw Luke. He looked fine, a bit beat up but considering what had just happened he looked fine. Your eyes filled with tears again and Luke’s gaze immediately drifted past the other three to land on you, making his way over to you just in time to catch you in his arms as you wrapped him in a tight hug.

Luke hugged you back just as tightly, burying his face in your hair and struggling to hold back his own set of tears as he heard you sob into his chest as your fingers dug into his back with how tightly you held him.

The others watched on as they spoke quietly among themselves about what had happened but Luke shut them out and focused solely on you. He knew he loved you, hell he’d known that for years now, but he never realised just how much until he’d nearly been taken away from you. Before he passed out, not even registering if he was ok or not, his thoughts had been consumed with you, regret from not telling you how he felt, guilt that you were watching him die through the body cam, sadness that he’d never felt your lips against his.

He swore to himself he was going to tell you.

“I’m alright, cariño, I’m alright.” He murmured into your hair and you shook your head, shifting into the hug like you could bury yourself further in his chest. “Yes baby, I’m ok, I promise.”

It took a few more minutes until you were able to pull away from each other and even then you didn’t go far, your hands coming up to cup Luke’s face, his hands covering yours as he ran his thumb across your knuckles.

“Next time I’m coming with you.” You told him shakily as tears continued to slide down your face and Luke chuckled as a tear slid down his cheek.

“Not a chance.” He answered and you just shook your head. “But the next time you have a bad feeling about something I’m listening.”

Luke leaned forward to press a kiss to your forehead, murmuring once more that he was fine, before he wiped at your tear stained cheeks.

To nobody’s surprise Reeves turned up dead and Sicarius was missing again. With all the evidence from the container turned to ashes there wasn’t much you could do but head back to Quantico.

You were exhausted by the time you got onto the jet and were asleep against Luke in seconds of being up in the air. Luke wasn’t complaining though, he just wrapped his arm around you and pulled you even closer.

“So does your brush with death mean you’re finally ready to tell her how you feel?” Rossi asked once he was sure the girls were distracted and you were asleep.

“You’ve been pushing this for years now, Rossi.” Luke sighed, looking down at you in his arms and thinking about how right it felt. “Every time I told you no, I couldn’t risk our friendship, couldn’t risk losing her.”

“And now what are you telling me?” Rossi asked with a smile, knowing full well what the answer was but wanting to hear the younger man say it.

“I’m telling you that I nearly died today.” Luke said steadily and paused for a moment, Rossi didn’t say anything, knowing he needed to sort through his thoughts. “I nearly died today and the last thing I thought was I really hated that Y/N was watching this. I didn’t want her to see that, Rossi.”

“I know you didn’t, kid.” Rossi told him, thinking back to your reaction back in the briefing room, watching you shut down, plead with a dead radio and snap at Emily.

“I’m telling you I love her.” Luke finally confessed out loud. “I love her and I have for longer than I know and I already lost so much time with her when she was sent back to the undercover unit and I nearly lost the rest of my life with her today. I can’t risk having another day where she doesn’t know, even if she doesn’t feel the same, I don’t care anymore, I need her to know how I feel.”

Rossi sat back in his seat with a smug look of satisfaction that had Luke rolling his eyes and suppressing a smile. For years now Rossi had been hounding him over when he was going to make his move, he knew if this worked out for the two of you he’d never heard the end of it from the man.

“Attaboy.” Was all Rossi murmured before the two of them settled into silence and Luke let himself savour the feeling of you in his arm.

By the time you were walking back in the building Tyler Green had been released without charges for his cooperation, another lead came up and Luke and Tara were being assigned to it and before you could say anything Penelope rushed over and took JJ and Luke into her arms.

As Luke, Emily and Tara worked on the death row inmate lead you and Rossi sat in the briefing room with Penelope in an attempt to pull up anything about what Sicarius’ next plan was. Like most of this case though it seemed impossible to find a solid lead even  after the hours you'd spent reading through the forums.

It was when you had moved to comparing the victims that Penelope’s phone rang and you glanced at her questioningly as she excused herself in a hurry, turning to look at Rossi who just shrugged and turned back to the boards in front of you.

“Here,” You said as you handed Luke a mug of coffee before pulling a chair up next to him at his desk, “you look like you need it.”

“Thanks.” Luke sighed tiredly as he brought the mug up to his lips, you were able to catch a soft smile before it was hidden by the mug. “This case is exhausting.”

“No luck with the death row inmate then?” You asked and he sighed again, a deep and tired one that you felt deeply, you were all running on even less sleep than usual as this case took up every moment of your time.

“We have a guy who’s prepared to die to keep the man he loves safe. The boyfriend just came in and gave us evidence that Herrera couldn’t have committed the murder because they were together. Now Tara and her girlfriend are fighting but at least we got the guy off death row.” Luke filled you in between sips of coffee and you watched him lean back in his chair and let his eyes fall closed.

“And I thought me and Rossi were having fun scrolling through post after post of wannabe serial killers.” You chuckled tiredly causing him to turn his head and smile softly over at you. “How are you holding up anyway? I feel like we’ve barely had a minute after coming back from Georgia.”

Luke let out a chuckle as he nodded, bringing his hand up to rub at his face before letting it fall, he seemed to hesitate for a moment before reaching across and taking your hand in his, his thumb brushing across your knuckles as he locked eyes with you.

“Y/N, I heard that bomb go off and I didn’t know what was gonna happen.” Luke sighed and you squeezed his hand softly, trying to offer some comfort without interrupting him. “I figured I could have died, now I know Sicarius timed it perfectly and warned us but then, I didn’t know if I was gonna live or die and my only regret, the only thought in my head was-”

“Y/N, Luke!” Penelope exclaimed loudly, her heels clicking against the floor as she ran into the bullpen and just like that whatever peaceful, hopeful moment that had settled between you and Luke vanished as you jumped, his hand pulling away from yours as he turned to Penelope, your gaze staying on him a second longer before you turned and faced her too. “Meeting room, now!”

Luke turned to glance at you and you shrugged before following the other woman into the room where JJ, Emily and Rossi were already gathered. You took a seat next to Luke, desperately trying to ignore the way your knees brushed together and forced yourself to focus on Penelope informing everybody about her theory on how Sicarius hunted.

It felt like there had been a shift in the case with the new information and you wanted to be happy over it, hell you were happy, for the first time since you’d been called in it actually felt like you could catch the unsub. But then there was the Luke of it all. You had been so close, Luke’s hushed words felt like the confession you’d wanted for so long and you were so close.

“Y/N, I need to talk to you. Now.” Penelope said as when everyone but you and Luke left the room. You glanced at Luke who just shrugged at you before Penelope pushed him out of the room, Luke letting her with a laugh.

“Penelope, are you alright?” You asked as she paced in front of you, her hands fidgeting with each other before she stopped in her tracks to look at you.

“I kissed him.” Penelope rushed out and you stared at her in confusion as you waited for her to continue only for her to stay silent as she looked back at you with wide eyes.

“You kissed who?” You prompted, eyebrows frowning as you glanced out of the window, your gaze falling on Luke but not sure why Penelope would seem so flustered over kissing her partner.

“I kissed Tyler.” She clarified and your head shot around to face her as your eyes widened in shock.

“You kissed Tyler Green?” You exclaimed and she shushed you even as she nodded, confused as she watched your frown deepen. “What the hell, Penelope?”

“I know, I know I said I couldn’t stand him and that he was a jerk but you know…and he ended up not being so bad and I kissed him.” Penelope rambled but when she saw you shake your head she paused. “Are you ok?”

“What about Luke?” You finally asked, keeping your tone even despite being furious with her. For years you’d pined after Luke but kept it to yourself so she could be happy with him and now she was here, quite casually telling you she had kissed another guy whilst her boyfriend was sat in the next room.

“Luke? What does Luke have to do with this?” She asked, seeming genuinely confused causing your eyebrows to knit together. Neither of you said anything for a long moment before Penelope broke the silence. “Oh my god, you think me and Luke are dating.”

“You’re not?” You asked in confusion, head spinning at the new information.

“We went on one date three years ago.” She told you with a slightly panicked laugh and you could only stand there and stare at her wide eyed. When you continued to stay silent Penelope’s eyes widened and she stared at you in shock. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!”

“Penelope!” You hissed stepping closer to her and risking a glance out of the corner of your eye to see the team had turned to look up to the window at her raised voice.

“You like Luke!” She exclaimed and you could do nothing but collapse into one of the seats, unable to deny the statement but still reeling from learning that the one date you knew about was all that had happened between them. “Oh my gosh, you like Luke and you didn’t tell me! I mean I know he’s y’know,” she said and pulled a face, “Luke, but you two would seriously be so cute together!”

“Wait, you’re not mad at me?” You asked, feeling like you were drowning with how confused you were. “I thought you liked Luke. I thought you were together this whole time.”

“Y/N, me and Luke had one date, it didn’t go anywhere. Did I like him? Sure but I wasn’t heartbroken that we were better off not dating. Wait, is that why you never said how you felt about him? How long have you been keeping this a secret?” Penelope asked and she seemed genuinely upset for you.

You felt way too overwhelmed right now and leaned your elbows on the table, resting your head in your hands as you took a shaky breath before looking back at her to see her sit in the seat next to you.

“You always had this love-hate thing from the beginning,” You stared, knowing you wouldn’t be able to leave without answering her questions. “You didn’t need to be a profiler to see the chemistry between the two of you, everyone knew something would happen between you and him. So I kept my mouth shut.”

“Wait, you’ve liked him since he joined?” Penelope asked sadly and you just shrugged.

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t say straight away. I mean we hung out together outside of work after he’d been here for a month or two, I spend as much time at his place as I do my own, you know? At some point I started, I don’t know, I wanted to be with him.” You told her, looking down at your hands as you messed with them to avoid her eyes. “But I, I saw the way you looked at him when he looked away, I saw the way he smiled at you when you called him names. I didn’t want to mess with anything between you two and then when I came back, I just assumed the two of you had finally gotten together.”

“There was never anything between us. I mean sure we flirted but it wasn’t serious. Maybe it could have been years ago but too much time passed and nothing happened.” Penelope sighed and you glanced up to see her frowning. “You should have told me.”

“Yeah, now I know that.” You murmured, your mind on all the time you could have potentially had with Luke. “You really don’t like him?”

“Y/N, if I wanted Luke Alvez I would have done something a long time ago to have him,” she told you, “plus I probably wouldn’t have kissed Tyler, who by the way is so hot.”

You let out a shaky laugh before nodding to yourself. Now things were looking up, the case seemed like it might actually be possible to solve and Luke words from before that you desperately wanted to believe were leading into a confession seemed like a more realistic outcome now.

“Sorry, I have to take this.” Penelope said apologetically but you just smiled at her as she answered it, standing up and gesturing for her to stay in the room as you left.

You kept your head down as you walked out of the room, thoughts racing a mile a minute as you made your way out of the bullpen area, missing movement from the corner of your eyes as Luke broke away from the rest of the group. You hadn’t realised he had followed you out until he jogged up beside you and caught your hand in his, stopping you in your tracks.

“Hey,” he said softly as he stood in front of you, his eyes filled with concern. “Is everything alright? Things looked pretty serious between you and Garcia.”

You hesitated a moment, it would be so easy to tell him now. There was nothing to stop you, no fear of losing two of your closest friendships lingering over you anymore.

“The thought in your head,” you said, causing him to frown slightly in confusion at the change in topic, “the thought in your head when the bomb went off, what was it?”

Luke’s face shifted to recognition as he looked back at you after glancing around at the people walking through the hallway. He shook his head before he gestured for you to follow him, not that he needed to as he kept his hand in yours as he pulled you into one of the empty meeting rooms.

“How much I regretted not telling you how I feel about you.” Luke said once the door was closed and he turned back to you. “How I’ve been in love with my best friend for years but I wasn’t brave enough to ever tell you.”

As he spoke he got closer to you, raising his hand to cup your cheek, his thumb brushing against your cheekbone and you felt frozen to the spot, scared to breathe in case you shattered the moment and he pulled away.

But Luke wasn’t going anywhere, not now that he had finally managed to force the words past his lips. He leaned down and rested his forehead gently against yours as he waited for you to say something.

“I thought you died,” you finally choked out, watching as his face softened and his other hand came to rest on your waist. “I thought you died and I hated myself for not telling you that I’ve been in love with you for as long back as I can remember.”

Your words were quiet, barely more than a whisper but with how close you were pressed against each other Luke heard them clearly. A grin broke out on his face, he tried to reign it in but it was impossible when the person he’d fallen so hard for was telling him his feelings were returned.

His eyes glanced down from your eyes to your lips and he watched as you smiled back at him. It was all the permission he needed to lean down and press his lips to yours. The kiss was nothing more than a brushing of lips first before it turned into something more. Luke’s hand on your cheek made its way up to your hair, fingers tangling in the strands, as he pulled you impossibly closer with the hand around your waist before pressing you against the wall. Your hands found themselves pressed against his chest as you let yourself explore it and the kiss…

The kiss was filled with a mix of emotions, so much passion, so much longing, so much desperation. This was a kiss that was years in the making, a kiss both of you had only let yourselves dream about, neither of you thinking it would ever become a reality.

You were forced apart when both of your phones chimed at the same time, Luke pulling away first and the pair of you breathing heavily as you caught your breath, Luke’s forehead coming back down to rest against yours as he grinned at you and you mirrored the expression back.

“I promise you, cariño, the second this case is done I am taking you out.” Luke promised and you couldn’t stop the breathless laugh that escaped you as you nodded and put his shirt back into place.

“I’ll hold you to that, Alvez.” His smile seemed to get even wider as he ran his hands through your hair, smoothing the strands he had held.

Your phone’s pinged again and Luke sighed before dipping his head down one more to press a rushed kiss against your lips. When he pulled away for a second time he pulled his phone out and showed you that you were both needed back in the briefing room.

As the two of you entered Luke held your chair out for you and you felt your cheeks heat up as you smiled at him before sitting down, glancing over at Luke as he rested his hand on your knee but he focused his attention on Emily though you could see the smile pulling at his lips.

When you finally looked away from him you caught Rossi and Penelope’s gaze. Rossi looked at you with a proud smile on his face, even if it was slightly smug and you couldn’t help but smile back at him as he winked at you. Penelope’s face had broken out into a full on grin that wasn’t entirely appropriate considering what Emily was saying but you let your smile widen as you looked at her, glad things had worked out and she wasn’t mad at you.

As Emily spoke you sat back in your seat. Luke liked you back, something you never thought would happen and wished like hell you had just spoken to Penelope about this years ago but it didn’t matter now. Now all you needed to do was solve the case, something that seemed possible now, especially with the motivation of a date with Luke at the end of it.

__________

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Forget Me

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Prompt -  “'Cause I'm not ready to find out you know how to forget me, I'd rather hear how much you regret me and pray to the stars that you never met me than forget me.”

Han Solo knew he had messed up when he watched your face shift, gone was the hurt and anger, your tears seeming to vanish between one blink and the next and he just knew that this was it. He knew he had pushed you too far this time and he wondered if the two of you would come back from this one.

Throughout the years people had struggled to understand your relationship with Han, it always seemed the two of you were arguing, finding something to fight about and hardly even seemed at peace with one another. Of course you had been happy, you had moments of genuine joy around him, moments when you were bursting with so much love for each other. Then there were times when you rubbed each other the wrong way, you refused to budge and see things from his point of view, he’d completely disregarded something you’d said and cause a world of avoidable trouble.

When you fought it was usually done exactly how you loved each other, wild and passionate and hard to control. There was shouting and crying and one of you was always glaring or scowling, it was how Han knew things were ok between you. It sounded odd to outsiders but when Han saw you glaring over at him as he ranted he knew you’d be ok afterwards.

Never in all your fights had he watched you turn stony faced, seemingly shoving your emotions deep down and bricking them up. It set him on edge, he knew something about this fight was different even if it wasn’t as bad as some of your more explosive ones had been but for some reason this seemed to be the one that tipped you over the edge.

“I can’t do this anymore.” You told him quietly, the silence having passed for long enough to set Han even further on edge and your words had his blood running cold.

The two of you had been through so much together, fought side by side, risked your lives for each other, held each other when things got rough and loved each other more passionately than Han had ever thought possible. You couldn’t leave, not after everything. Part of him hoped you weren’t serious, hoped that this was just a cold move on your part to win the argument but he knew you weren’t like that, no matter how nasty some of your fights got.

“Come on, Y/N,” He said anyway, hoping that he was wrong and you were just playing games. He kept his voice lighter that he felt, a joking edge to it that had you swallowing hard and desperately trying to push down every emotion you felt. 

“I’m serious, Han. This is exhausting, it’s the same damn argument over and over. I tell you it’s stupid and reckless and you jump head first into anyway and it usually ends up coming back to me. I mean how many times has somebody sent bounties after me because of something stupid you did. We go back and forth and it’s going to end with one of us dead these days.” You told him, trying your hardest to keep your voice from shaking and the tears from filling your eyes.

“Baby don’t do this. You want me to stop, I’ll stop right here and now.” Han said, knowing you were deadly serious and hating it. He hated how you were right, hated that you pointed out how much danger he put you in when all he wanted was to protect you. 

“How many times have you promised me that?” You whispered and he felt his heart drop because, again, you always had to be right.

“You can’t just walk away from us, Y/N/N, not after everything.” He pleaded with you taking a step closer only to feel his heart ache as you took a step back.

“I’m tired, Han. We’re fighting a war and we’re fighting each other, I can’t do both, I’m exhausted.” You felt like the entire galaxy was weighing you down most days. Days like today where you had stood beside Leia and watched so many from your army, so many friends, die and all you wanted was to come back to your rooms and take comfort from Han.

Instead you had ended up in a screaming match with him, feeling completely and utterly drained to your bones. You had nothing left to give this relationship, you barely had anything left to give to the fight with the Empire. 

Some days you dreamed of taking Han up on his offer of just flying away in the Falcon, the two of you getting far away from everything. You daydreamed often about how different things would be for both of you if you did just run away but you couldn’t, Leia was your friend and you couldn’t leave her.

Still, it was nice to dream.

“Come on baby, please don’t do this, give us one last chance.” You wanted to cave, wanted desperately to give into his pleading wide eyes and collapse into his arms but you knew you couldn’t, no matter how much you wanted it to you knew things wouldn’t change.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered and your voice caught on the words, breaking softly as you fought down a wave of tears that threatened to fill your eyes. 

Han took another step forward and this time you didn’t move away from him, letting him bring his hand up to your cheek before he pressed your foreheads together, looking into your eyes before his fell closed and he brought your lips together.

The kiss was soft and slow, so different from how they usually were. A few tears made their way down your cheeks as you closed your eyes and kissed Han back, savouring the feeling of him against you, letting yourself sink into the kiss but not drown in it, knowing that if you did that you wouldn’t be able to leave.

You were the first pull away, hands coming to rest on Han’s chest as he tried to chase your lips. You knew you had to leave, heart heavy and broken as you pushed away from him and took the few steps needed to reach the door. Han didn’t try to stop you this time as you left, hoping this decision wasn’t permanent.

Months passed without a word from you though. He tried to avoid spending much time on the base but when he was there, well, people liked to talk and were always keen to fill him in on what he had missed. In the few times he had been back he had been informed of your angry words against him, private conversations between you and Leia overheard by the crew. He was told that you had been seen crying most days, sometimes you had to excuse yourself from a planning meeting and somebody would find you alone with tears flowing down your cheeks. Han hated knowing he was the reason for your tears, he never wanted to be the reason you cried and yet a part of him was glad for it because it meant you were thinking about him, you hadn’t just erased him from your thoughts.

Though his heart ached at some of the things he had been told, choice words he hoped had been grossly exaggerated through the rumour mill, it didn’t hurt him as much as he expected it to. If you were dragging his name through the dirt it meant he was still on your mind, it meant you were still holding onto a part of him and that gave him hope. 

Han would gladly take all the criticism you gave him, gladly let you curse him out to anybody who would listen, just to know you still thought about him.

After that night you were heartbroken, through Han’s own wrongdoings, through your constant arguments and your stubborn unwillingness to budge on what you believed in you were left alone. For once you found yourself grateful for the war, you hardly had a moment to sit a stew in your hurt and your pain, though some nights when things were quiet and you’d had too much to drink you tended to drunkenly berate the Captain.

Months went by and you managed to live with the hurt, managed to deal with it and go about your day, thoughts somehow always managing to find their way back to Han Solo. It was strange thinking of him, sometimes you felt so much hate, wanting so badly to get it right with him only to fail each time made you hurt, made you angry at him for not trying harder, angry at yourself for not giving it the final chance he pleaded for. Other times you just felt sad, you missed him dearly. There had been good moments, beautiful moments. You had been at each other's side for so long that to suddenly be without him was lonely.

More months passed and eventually a year had gone by, a long year of days spent aching and longing for you. No matter how far Han went from the base where you were he couldn’t seem to outrun you in his mind, you were always there no matter what he was doing. If he was in the midst of a battle he would think about how wrong it felt not to have your back pressed against his, if he was piloting the Falcon he couldn’t help but miss the way you tried to take over, annoying him by pressing random buttons and instead of your laugh filling the air there was only silence. The nights dragged by painfully slow, he missed you deeply, missed the feeling of you curled into his chest, missed wrapping his body around yours as he held you close, missed waking up and knowing his day would be good just because you were the first thing he saw.

It had been a year and he still missed you so much, he was still holding on hope that you’d take him back, that you still missed him as much as he did you.

It had been a year and you were finally moving on, finally living without the hurt and the pain rather than living with having grown used to it. It may have been a gradual process but you didn’t notice it, not until one day where you were sitting in the cantina and laughing, really laughing, with one of the men from the crew. It hit you like a tonne of bricks that your mind wasn’t on Han and it hadn’t been for a while now.

It was…refreshing. It was nice, even nicer now that you’d actually noticed you were able to get through a day without wanting to cry or rage. You hadn’t realised just how much of your energy it was taking to miss Han. 

Han hadn’t been back to the base in a while now, he knew you hated when he was there, people told him how you locked yourself in your rooms or had Leia send you on a mission whenever he was around. Today he had no choice but to come back and even though he longed to see you, another part of him hoped you still didn’t want to see him just because it would mean you still felt something for him.

He landed on the base, ignoring Chewie’s grumblings about how he wished you were there. He found Leia in the main planning room, the room was filled and yet as he stood in the doorway and saw you he felt everything around him stop. You had to know he was coming, he’d warned Leia two days in advance knowing she would give you a heads up. He could only stare at you, watching as you smiled over at one of the crew a little too friendly for his liking before Leia called out his name. 

His head snapped over to her but from the corner of his eyes he saw you look over at him. If it could be called that, really it was only a half glance, more so at the sudden call from Leia than to look at him before you turned your attention back to the crew member showing you something on the screens.

His heart dropped. There was no pain or longing, your eyes didn’t light up or glare over at him. It was like he was just another member of the crew, a stranger you didn’t know and had no desire to introduce yourself to. It sent a pain right to his heart, his heart was still yours even after a year apart and it seemed you had done the one thing he couldn’t bear to happen, you had forgotten him.

Han nearly lost it then and there, right in front of everybody. He would much rather the crew crowd him and tell him all the nasty things you said about him, hear about how you had cursed and berated him, hear that you wished him dead, hear about you cursing the stars for ever having met him. He would much rather all that than knowing that you knew how to forget him.

It wrecked him, it wrecked him right to the core seeing you dismiss him easily and he knew it wasn’t an act, an attempt to put on a brave face and show him that your separation, your time apart wasn’t affecting you. No, he could tell it was real and he hated knowing you had forgotten him.

Han wasn’t ready to let you go, not even after all the time that had passed. He wasn’t ready to let you forget him but what could he do? Every part of him ached, he was filled with anger and sadness and regret. He should have done something long ago, he shouldn’t have let so much time pass, he should have listened to you and just gave you what you wanted.

He took a step over in your direction, managed two steps before a hand wrapped around his biceps and fingernails dug into his skin. He looked away from you and back to Leia who was glaring at him and shaking her head.

“Leave her alone, Han. You messed up and you missed your chance.” Leia told him, the words weren’t kind but her tone was soft. It was a truth he needed to hear.

Leia had been the one there for you after you walked away from Han. She had been the one who held you as you wept, who watched you scream and pace and drink yourself into a state. She had been the one to stack your workload so high that you were drowning but didn’t have time to think about the man. She had been the one to slowly watch you get better, to go through days where Han didn’t cross your mind.

She liked Han, really she did, but you were her best friend and she hated watching you suffer like you had. You had finally dragged yourself out of that dark pit where Han surrounded your every waking thought and sleeping dream. There was no way she was going to let Han ruin that, she couldn’t bear to watch you go through it again.

“Leia please, that’s my girl, I gotta get her back.” Han pleaded with her, knowing his heart was yours. 

“No Han, she’s not your girl.” Leia told him and pulled him further away from you, watching as he drank you in before she pulled him out of the room. “You lost her, Han and she is finally in a good place. If you care about her you’ll leave her alone.”

Some part of Han knew she was right. Too much time had seemingly passed and it hurt him, it cut him to the core to know that Leia was right, he had lost you. It hurt him, loathe as he was to admit it knowing how selfish it was, but it hurt him to know that you were in a good place because he was supposed to be that good place for you. Now you were living your life and Han wasn’t a part of that, you were happy but it wasn’t Han who was making you happy, though in a way he supposed he was but he was making you happy by staying out of your life.

Even after all this time he wasn’t ready to accept that you could forget him, forget all the good things between you, forget about the love you had felt for each other. He knew he loved you, he knew his heart would always be yours. 

He loved you and he knew Leia was right, if he cared for you he had to leave you alone.

He just hoped that one day you’d remember him again, remember him and take him back. He knew he’d always be waiting for you, he’d still be holding onto the hope he desperately clung too.

_____

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Lost It All But Found You

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Prompt - “What do you miss most? About life before all of this.”

You were already in bed by the time Joel came back from his shift and didn’t bother opening your eyes as you heard him close and lock the door before quietly walking over to the bed to press a gentle kiss just above your eyebrow. He was quiet as he shut the bathroom door and a few minutes later you heard the shower running, you knew he had been on body burning duty, the job everybody hated getting but paid well.

You let your mind wander whilst Joel showered, a dangerous thing to do most days but especially today when you, even twenty years after the outbreak, were feeling the effects of everything. Some days were fine, they were easy and it felt like you had accepted that this was how the world was now. Those days were great, you liked your little apartment, didn’t mind that you couldn’t leave the walls, you didn’t mind going to work. It was nice to pretend, especially when in those moments it didn’t feel like pretending.

Then there were days like today. Days where you struggled to drag yourself out of bed, hours after Joel had left for his shift. This morning was hard, you felt like your body was being weighed down by the weight of the thousand questions you had that would never be answered, questions of what had become of the people you loved, questions of what if’s and how could this happen. Days like today the world didn’t feel real, it felt like a dream that you would wake up from but you never did. Eventually you pulled yourself from the bed and went to work, on these days your body was on autopilot, you didn’t remember getting ready for work, you hardly remembered being at your job but the repetitiveness of it made it easy. The whole time you worked you weren’t really there, instead you were deep in your head.

It had been twenty years since the world went to hell. Twenty years was a long time, twenty years of questions swarming your head until you felt like you were drowning. How had this become your life? The world had ended and here you were sweeping the streets like it was a regular old day.

You hated it.

Being inside the walls on days like this felt suffocating and you longed to go outside. Joel went out sometimes but he never took you, always said his runs were too dangerous and you didn’t doubt it but a part of you would always long to see the outside of those walls again. The thought of being within the walls until you died made your skin crawl, trapped from the outside world because there wasn’t a cure for this virus, there would never be a cure.

That thought always consumed you with anxiety, turned your blood cold and you had stopping to force yourself to breathe, to push past the tingles in your hands and calm down. Sometimes you could handle it alone but most times it ended with you sitting with your back pressed to the wall and Joel walking in on you, moving over to sit besind you as he pulled you into his arms, his fingers running groundingly up and down your back until it was easier to breathe.

Today you had at least managed to make it to your bed before the anxiety became too much and ever since you had been in an almost paralysed state of staring at the wall in front of you until your eyes were too heavy to stay open and they fell shut though you couldn’t fall asleep no matter how drained your body felt.

You had been so focused on your own thoughts that you didn’t hear the shower shut off or Joel moving around the room as he changed into something comfortable before climbing into the bed behind you.

Joel felt you jump slightly as his arm slid around you, your head turning to look up at him with a confused look before you blinked several times and seemed to register it was just him. He pulled you closer so your back was flush against his chest, his arms around your waist and fingers drawing shapeless patterns into your skin. Slowly he felt you beginning to relax into his touch, not fully out of your head but enough that you could focus on the things that were real.

Joel pressed a kiss to your head and let his lips rest against your hair, smiling softly as your hands came to rest on his arms, your fingers coming to mess with the watch that had sat on his wrist for twenty years.

When you were like this it was easy for Joel to get lost in his own head with you but he always shoved his own thoughts down, it wouldn’t do well to have the pair of you out of your minds with grief.

Joel didn’t say anything, there were never any words to say when you were having a bad day because everything you were thinking was true, every bad thing you thought about the world was right. Joel knew how hard it was to carry the questions that were swimming around in your head because he carried his own questions, felt the weight of them every day.

So instead he did what he could do, he could hold you close to him, he could make sure you didn’t get too lost in your head, made sure you had his touch to ground you back to reality. He would be there for you in ways he knew he could. Most of the time when you had a bad day you tended to not want to speak anyway, sometimes you wanted to hear Joel speak, it didn’t matter what he said but sometimes you just needed more than his touch to help you find your way back. There was the rare occasion, it hadn’t happened more than a handful of times in the many years he’d known you, where you wanted to talk about what was happening in your head.

Today seemed to be one of those rare days.

“I don’t remember what my family even looked like.” You whispered, voice cracking as tears slipped down your cheeks and Joel felt his heart break, he knew what you meant.

Twenty years was a long time, so much happened and things became harder to remember. The sound of somebody’s laugh, the way their voice sounded when they were happy, the way somebody’s hair fell into their face or how they smiled. You could remember the song somebody sang in the morning, could recite all the words to it but couldn’t ever remember how they sounded when they sang it.

“I wonder about them all the time, did they survive, are they out there somewhere? Some part of me hopes they are but then another part of me, the part that’s tired, hopes that whatever happened that they’re at peace.” You said, keeping your voice low as you spoke and focused on the feel of Joel’s fingers through your shirt.

“I’m sorry.” Joel whispered into your hair and you laughed quietly though it came out as more of a sob really.

“You know what the most bittersweet thing is about this whole thing?” You asked, turning in Joel’s arms so you were facing him now, “I got to meet you, it took the world going to shit for us to meet. You are the best thing in my life, before the outbreak and after, you’re the best person I know.”

“I love you too, baby.” Joel murmured as he kissed your forehead. “I love you so damn much, just hate that it took losing everything else to get here. In another life, baby, God, baby I promise in another life everything would be different, you’d never be scared again.”

“What do you miss most?” You asked him and it was a question that made him pause, not because he didn’t know the answer, God he knew the answer straight away, it was something that stuck with him every day of his life. “About life before all of this.”

He had never told you about Sarah, he didn’t know why he hadn’t but he had never spoken about her. Maybe it was because it was still too raw, too painful. Twenty years had gone since she was taken from him and it still felt like yesterday. You spoke about not being able to remember your family but some days Joel would do anything to get the image of his daughter shot, bleeding and dying in his arms out of his head.

“My daughter.” Joel said quietly and watched you pull away from him as you stared up at him in shock, your eyes were still watery as tears stained your cheeks. “I miss my daughter.”

“Joel-” You breathed out, no words coming to you and Joel couldn’t help but smile down at you as he reached a hand up to brush away the tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“Her name was Sarah.” He told you and his smile widened as he watched you mouth her name to yourself. “She was just a kid, twelve, and the best thing I have ever done with my life.”

“You’ve never told me about her.” You said, not prying for anything else but giving him the opening to share her with you if he wanted.

And he did. He wanted to share his life before the outbreak with you. He wanted you to know Sarah, wanted you to love her like he did because she was his whole world. Even twenty years later when so many of the memories he had with her had become foggy he never lost that overwhelming feeling of love.

“That kid- let me tell you if anyone was gonna call me out on my bullshit it was Sarah. The day the world went to hell it was my birthday and she called me right out for not being home on time, for forgetting the cake. Sarah matched me without ever missing a beat, the two of us could go back and forth all day long” Joel chuckled to himself and you smiled over at him, your full attention on him and he paused to kiss your forehead again. “Kid was more athletic than I ever was, she was on the soccer team, God knows how but I still remember her out on the field, still remember she was number 14. She was brilliant, so many awards that we didn’t know what to do with ‘em.”

“She sounds amazing.” You said softly and Joel grinned down at you even as his eyes shined with tears.

“Yeah, yeah she was.” Joel nodded and took a breath, “me and her used to go hiking together, just the two of us out for hours. I don’t even know what we talked about, can’t remember but I know she laughed, I know she loved going. Most kids her age got embarrassed spending so much time with their folks but not Sarah, hell she was always looking for more time for us to do things together.”

“She knew her dad was a special, smart kid.” You told him with a smile and he chuckled wetly.

“Some army asshole, the day the outbreak happened, it was just me and her, he could see we weren’t sick- Sarah hurt her ankle in the accident and I was carrying her but he could see we were fine and this asshole shoots at us. I tried to protect her but…she died in my arms and I couldn’t do anything.” Joel told you and you felt your own eyes well with tears again but you pushed them back as you pulled Joel into you, holding him against you as you murmured soft words of comfort.

“I’m so, so sorry Joel.” You felt your neck wet with his tears as he cuddled into you but you also felt him smile before he pressed a kiss to your skin. “I’m really glad you told me about her.”

“Me too, baby.” He murmured and you ran your hands through his hair. “She was my whole world, that’s what I miss the most from before.”

The two of you held each other, both of your minds filled with what had been lost, what could never be, thoughts of another life where you had met, where you knew each other's families…you had both lost so much and sometimes that pain was easy to get lost in but, through all that pain and suffering, you had also found each other, had found a love neither of you had thought possible, had found the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with even if it was this version of a future that nobody had seen coming.

You and Joel were each other's anchor, making sure you stayed afloat when it was so easy to give up. This new world might have taken everything from you but it had also given you Joel and it was bittersweet but you were grateful to have found him, you weren’t sure either of you would have made it this far without the other.

__________

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Bigger Than The Whole Sky

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Prompt -  'No words appear before me in the aftermath, I've got a lot to pine about.’

You could still remember the first time you had met Cassian Andor. Both of you had been years younger than you were now, both having seen much more than others your age had. You still remembered how cold and distant Cassian had been with you and remembered how you had practically forced yourself into his life whether he wanted you there or not.

Some days the walls he had built around himself had seemed too heavy to knock down but now, years later, you were glad you had been so persistent in being around him. 

He was your best friend, your soulmate, the one person you knew would always have your back and who knew you would have his, the one person you could completely be yourself around and not have to hold back anything. He had seen your worst days, just as you had seen his and you had both been each other's best days.

You and Cassian were inseparable once you had managed to break through his walls though, the two of you were never far from each other. When one of you was sent on a mission, no matter how close or easy, the other always tagged along until the Rebellion gave in and General’s sent you on missions together with fond eye rolls.

It wasn’t a surprise when you found yourself looking at Cassian when he wasn’t looking at you, whether it be sneaky glances from the gaps in your hair or looking up at him from under your lashes. You knew you loved him, there was no doubting that, but you hadn’t ever realised just how deep that love had gone until one mission where you had nearly lost him.

You had watched the building Cassian had entered blow up before your eyes and tears filled them instantly. Your knees gave out and you were on the floor before you even realised it. 

You were completely numb but forced your hand to move, pressing down on the comm and begging for Cassian to answer you, only to sob as no reply came.

You had no idea how long you stayed kneeling on the floor, choked sobs mixed with pleading words for Cassian to answer you, for him to be ok, for him to come back to you. Your mind was racing, trying to conjure up a future without Cassian only to come back with nothing and you didn’t know how you were supposed to carry without him.

You didn’t hear the rustle of twigs and leaves as you hunched over, your head resting on your knees as you sobbed for Cassian.

“Hey,” Cassian forced out, throat dry from inhaling smoke. He stumbled over to you before collapsing down in front of you, forcing a comforting smile onto his face even with the pain that seemed to spread across his entire body. “Hey, look at me.”

Your head had shot up, more sobs, this time of absolute relief, escaping you and you immediately leaned into Cassian’s touch when he brought his hand up to your cheek, gently brushing away the tears though they were quickly replaced by new ones. Your own hand came up to clutch Cassian’s and you let your eyes fall closed as he pulled you to him, meeting you halfway and resting his forehead against yours. 

“I thought-” You choked out and Cassian gently shushed you, ignoring the pain as he shifted closer to you, moving his head until his lips pressed against your forehead and just letting them rest there for a moment.

“I know,” He murmured against your forehead, “but I’m here, I’m here, Y/N/N.” 

After that moment you had refused to keep your feelings to yourself and had waited only until you were back on base and Cassian had been cleared by the medical droid before you had pulled him aside and told him everything, surprisingly unnervous considering your entire friendship was being put on the line.

But Cassian had only smiled over at you. It wasn’t a big smile, it was a shy pull of his lips but his face had lit up at your words before he had cupped your cheek, softly, almost like he was afraid that any sudden movements would break the moment and you would change your mind. You had only smiled back at him and that seemed to be all the reassurances he needed to bring your lips together. 

Kissing Cassian was something you had thought about for a long time, hours spent wondering how this moment would feel and now that his lips were finally against yours…there were no words to describe how perfect a kiss it was, no words to describe how everything around you seemed to fade away. 

It was over much too soon for your liking and you chased after Cassian’s lips, relishing the chuckle he let out before kissing you softly again, pulling away only to rest his forehead against yours.

From that moment on you and Cassian become each other’s everything. You were the go to team when the Rebellion needed something handling with guaranteed success, you were the first thing the other saw before going to sleep and waking up the next morning. You were the hope the other needed on days when the darkness seemed to swallow the light and you were the arms the other could cuddle into whenever you needed.

For months after you had gotten together, years before you had even begun dating, you had never been separated on a mission so when Cassian was pulled aside one day to be debriefed on a mission that he would be doing solo you were both on edge. 

“Give me a reason she can’t come.” Cassian demanded, his hand resting on the small of your back as you stood before the Generals who were shaking their heads. 

“We have already told you she isn’t needed for this part of the mission.” One of them said but you weren’t paying attention, too focused on your worry of being separated from Cassian for the first time in years. “Trust in the plan, Captain.”

And so you did. 

You watched him leave the base, waited restlessly as time passed for any message from him. You hated having no contact with him, it was the longest you had gone without talking to one another since the early days of meeting him.

“Please let him be ok.” You whispered softly to whatever force would listen to you as you lost track at time staring at the screen.

Somebody seemed to be listening to your prayers though and you let out a silent breath of relief when Basteren informed you all of the message he had received.

“A coded message from Captain Andor, sir ‘weapon confirmed, Jedha destroyed. Mission target located on Eadu, please advise.’”

Hearing that Cassian was supposed to continue on with the plan, that Jedha had been destroyed sent a wave of fear and anxiety through you and you had to fight down the urge to ask to be sent to Eadu, to meet Cassian there and offer your help.

You knew it would only be shot down.

It wasn’t long later that the command room was silent as Basteren tried to make contact with Cassian and his group, the sound of radio static had your stomach turning, mind already coming up with a multitude of reasons he wasn’t answering and none of them were good.

“The signal’s gone dead.” Basteren told the room and you closed your eyes, refusing to let the tears you felt well up fall.

“Squadron up.” Draven said and you opened your eyes to look at him pleadingly but he wasn’t looking at you. “Target Eadu.”

The room became a flurry of movement and you made your way over to Draven, having to jog to catch up to him as he left the room.

“No.” He said before you could even open your mouth and you frowned before arguing. 

“I don’t understand why you are suddenly so against me and Cassian working together. For years we have only had successful missions and suddenly-”

“He cannot be distracted.” Draven told you, stopping suddenly in the hallway and turning to you. “This is not a standard mission, we have to kill Galen Erso, if you were there you would only be a distraction. It’s no secret both of you would jeopardise a mission if the other was in danger. That cannot happen here, whatever Erso is building is dangerous, it’s deadly. You must stay.”

“I can’t do that, Sir.” You told him with a frown, knowing his words weren’t wrong. “Cassian’s out there somewhere. The others can focus on Galen, my mission is to get Cassian and K2 out of there.”

There was a moment of silence and Draven knew you were not asking for his permission, he knew no matter what he said you would be making your way to Eadu in the next few minutes and all he could do was sigh.

“You and Andor are going to be the death of me, Y/L/N, I can feel it.” He told you and you grinned at him before nodding your head and heading down the hallway and into a ship.

You flew the ship easily, you weren’t as natural a pilot as Cassian was but he had taught you enough that you were a decent enough flyer, though you preferred it when Cassian was in the pilot's seat and you next to him.

As the other pilots made their way to the base you flew lower to search for Cassian and K-2SO. It felt like you were just flying around aimlessly when you finally spotted a ship that seemed to be grounded and prayed to whoever was listening that this was them and not just some random abandoned ship.

You landed your ship and opened the doors, stepping out and wiping at the rain that fell onto your face, walking over to the ship with a blaster in your hands. You got close enough to the ship and recognised it as one of your own, breathing a sigh of relief though you didn’t lower your blaster yet as you stepped in and looked around seeing it empty.

A noise from the cockpit had you raising your blaster only for you to laugh a second later and lower the weapon.

“Y/N!” K2 said and you grinned at him. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, K.” You told him just as the ship lit up letting you know it was functional again. “Where’s Cassian? Where are the others?” 

“Cassian and the pilot went to look for Galen Erso, the others followed them.” K2 informed you and you cursed, already hearing the sounds of the battle in the distance.

“Get the ship in the air now!” You commanded and K2 didn’t question you as he took control of the ship and had you in the air in moments. “There! They’re there, K2, go down!”

“Shoot Y/N!” K2 ordered and you immediately did as he said, shooting at the Imperial ships before opening the door and calling for everyone to get in, smiling despite the situation as Cassian paused to stare at you in shock before he shook himself and ran onto the ship.

Cassian waited until the door closed to turn to you, seemingly frozen for a second before he pulled you into his arms, resting his chin on your head. You didn’t hesitate to hug him back, the two of you clinging to each other as if your lives depended on it.

“It’s good to see you.” He murmured and you smiled, nodding against him as you tightened your grip on him. “I have missed you.”

“I missed you too.” You whispered, “I hate that they won’t let me be a part of this mission.”

“You lied to me.” A voice said, pulling you and Cassian out of the bubble the two of you seemed to enter whenever you were together, blocking everyone else out.

You heard Cassian sigh against you before he pulled away from you, squeezing your arm gently before letting go and turning to Jyn.

“You went up there to kill my father.” She accused and you couldn’t help but wince, she wasn’t wrong, that had been Cassian’s mission but you still couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. “Deny it.”

You frowned as she continued, continued to put the blame solely on Cassian when he was simply following orders, putting the Rebellion’s needs above everything. You reached down slowly and took Cassian’s hand in your own, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze causing Cassian to let out a soft sigh.

“I had every chance to pull the trigger but did I?” He asked her and you couldn’t help but frown. It wasn’t often that Cassian went against orders. “I had orders, orders that I disobeyed. But you wouldn’t understand that.” Cassian snapped and the woman continued to place the blame on Cassian’s shoulders.

“You might as well be a stormtrooper.” She accused and you took a step forward, only stopped by Cassian tightly squeezing your hand before he pulled away and stepped close to Jyn.

“What do you know?” He asked, “We don’t all have the luxury of deciding when and where we want to care about something. Suddenly the Rebellion is real for you. Some of us live it. I’ve been in this fight since I was six years old, Y/N since she was eight! Our childhoods stolen from us! You’re not the only one who lost everything. Some of us just decided to do something about it.”

“You can’t talk your way around this.” Jyn said and you couldn’t help but glare at her, you understood her side of things but she couldn’t keep placing the blame on Cassian.

Cassian was right, the two of you had been in this fight longer than you’d been out of it, neither of you hardly remembered a time before it. No matter how much you hated it, it was your lives and you would do what you had to to see the end of the Empire.

“I don’t have to.” Cassian told her before walking away from her and Jyn’s eyes fell on you, jutting her chin out when she saw your glare.

“I’m sorry about your father but watch how you speak to him, we’ve all had to do things we don’t want to. It’s the only way we win.” You told her before shouldering past her and following Cassian up the stairs.

“You ok?” You asked as you sat next to him and Cassian nodded even as he didn’t look over at you. “It’ll be over soon, pretty soon all this fighting and following orders will be done and we can start something new.”

Cassian’s lips twitched upwards at that, at the thought of all the plans and dreams of a future the two of you talked about, at the thought of them becoming a reality soon and his hands reached over to cup one of yours so you counted it as a win.

“I’m glad to have you back at my side, mi querida.” Cassian told you, bringing your hands to his lips and placing a soft kiss to the back of it.

“Me too, Cassian, being away from you-”

“I will never let them separate us again, after this mission is done you’re not leaving my side.” He chuckled and you joined him, not at all mad at that plan.

“I wouldn’t complain about that.” You told him, the two of you smiling at one another before he tugged you close, your head on his shoulder and his arms holding you tightly, both of your thoughts on a future after the war was won.

From there followed a long meeting with the Council members, a long meeting of listening to Jyn plead her case and you had to admit it was a good speech, inspiring for somebody who hadn’t seemed to care for the Rebellion only a week ago.

“Rebellions are built on hope.” She told the people in the room and you couldn’t help but smile at the words you had heard spoken before by the man you loved, clearly he had made an impact on her too.

“Without the full support of the Council…the odds are too great.” You felt your eyes fall shut at her word before you turned to leave the room after Jyn.

You walked out of the room with her, ignoring the conversation around you as you leaned against the wall, thoughts on surrender after all you had given, after all Cassian and the countless others had given to the cause.

As they spoke you looked up in time to see Cassian stepping forward, a small crew behind him and couldn’t help but beam at him, Cassian catching your expression and smiling back at you. 

You should have known surrender wasn’t an option.

“We’d like to volunteer,” Cassian told Jyn and you felt an overwhelming surge of love for the man before you. “We've all done terrible things on behalf of the Rebellion,” He said, eyes glancing over to you and you looked down, thoughts haunted by all you had done since joining. 

“Everything I did, I did for the Rebellion and every time I walked away from something I wanted to forget, I told myself it was for a cause that I believed in, a chance to give the people I love something better.” When you looked up Cassian’s eyes were still on you and you gave him a soft smile, watching as he relaxed slightly. “Without that we’re lost. Everything we’ve done would have been for nothing.”

You and Cassian stayed locked on each other as he spoke, out of the corner of your eyes you saw Jyn turn around, following Cassian’s eyes and seeing they were focused on you, a small smile pulling at her lips.

“I couldn’t face myself if I gave up now. None of us could.” The two of you stood like idiots just smiling at each other as everyone else moved into action before Cassian made his way over to you.

His hands came up to cup your cheeks, bringing you close to him as he rested his forehead against yours, staying silent as his eyes slipped closed.

“You can’t come.” He whispered and you frowned, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion but you didn’t pull away from him, instead you stayed silent and waited for him to continue. “I need somebody here I trust and there is no one I trust more than you, my love.”

You stayed silent still, a part of you was screaming that you shouldn’t let him leave the base without you, something about him going felt wrong but you chalked it up to your dislike of being away from Cassian, the time away from him already not doing you good but after this mission you wouldn’t have to be away from him again.

Still it was hard to ignore how wrong it felt to let him leave.

“Stay safe.” You finally murmured and he grinned at you, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’ll be home before you know it, darling, I promise.” He told you and you couldn’t help but smile back at him before he ducked his head down, pressing his lips to yours.

The kiss was full of passion, making up for all the lost kisses in the time you’d been apart from each other and full of promises of many more to come. By the time he pulled away you were left with swollen lips and panting for breath.

“I’ll see you soon,” he promised and you nodded breathlessly, causing him to chuckle, pressing another softer kiss to your plumped lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Cassian.” You told him with a soft smile and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing you once more before running off into the ship waiting for him.

Your smile widened as he grinned, mouthing another ‘I love you’ at you and you couldn’t help but chuckle as you lifted your hand to wave him off.

Once he was gone your smile faded and you let the worry settle in, knowing you could be in for a long wait in which you could do nothing but let your mind focus on the what if’s. 

“Sitting this one out, Y/L/N?” A voice asked and you turned to see Admiral Raddus marching to his ship.

Cassian had told you he needed you here but you could do everything you could here just as easily as you could on his ship and grinned at the General before following after him, the General gesturing for you to get on board before giving the command to head to Scarif.

“They closed the shield gate.” You whispered and the General turned to you, a grim look on his face. “They’re locked in. We have to get it open!”

“You heard her, get it open!” Admiral Raddus commanded and there was a chorus of yes sirs.

You hated how useless you felt, all Rebel frequencies were blocked, there was no way to contact or get to Cassian. You wished more than ever you had listened to that screaming feeling earlier telling you to go with Cassian to Scarif.

You could only watch from the safety of the ship as the squadrons focused their attacks on the shield gate. Even as your deflector ships decreased you couldn’t find it in you to care, not  when you had no idea what was happening to Cassian.

“-this is Rogue One, come in. Over.” Your knees very well nearly gave out when you heard a voice come through the comms, tears already filling your eyes as the Admiral responded. “We have the plans. They found the Death Star plan. They have to transmit them from the communications tower, you have to take down the shield gate. It’s the only way they’re gonna get them through.”

You desperately wanted to ask about Cassian but knew you couldn’t, you just had to trust that he was ok as you helped the Admiral command the troops and couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as you watched the Star Destroyer go down, disabling the shield gate and knowing Cassian could get out once the plans were with you.

It would be easy sailing from this moment on and then you could be with Cassian again, the time for the two of you to lay down together in each other’s arms, no words needing to be spoken between the two of you as you just held each other couldn’t come soon enough.

“Admiral, we’re receiving transmission from Scarif.” Somebody said and you could help the laugh of relief that escaped you, glad that Cassian would be back with you any minute. ‘Admiral, we have the plans!”

“Sir,” somebody said and you turned to glance behind you, “We’re detecting a massive object emerging from hyperspace.”

“What is tha-” You began to ask but cut yourself off as your eyes widened and it felt like all the air had left your lungs.

“What is it?” The Admiral asked instead and you had to swallow past the lump in your throat before you could speak.

“It’s the Death Star.” You whispered, near silently but the words seemed to echo around the room as if you’d shouted them.

You couldn’t do anything. 

You couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. All you could do was stare out of the window, stomach churning and your blood cold as you watched the planet below you implode on itself. Tears made their way from your eyes and down your cheeks but you didn’t notice until the salty tears streamed past your lips. 

“Rogue one,” the Admiral said as you cried, hand on the window as you watched in horror, “may the Force be with you.”

Alarms began to sound throughout the ship, people yelled commands and cried out in fear but you ignored it all, barely registering the sounds, as you continued to stare out of the window. 

You were completely numb, completely empty like everything had been ripped from you. 

The explosion was still happening, completely destroying everything in proximity, taking the lives of everyone on the base. 

Taking Cassian. 

A part of you was waiting on a miracle. A large miracle from the galaxy, one gift for all that you and Cassian had given, had sacrificed, to protect it. Your eyes stayed focused on the scene hoping to see a ship, pleading silently with any force that would listen to you to just give you this. 

But nothing came. 

Nobody answered your prayers. 

You would have stayed there forever if you could, frozen in that exact moment in time for the rest of your life if not for the person pulling you back to reality as they bumped into you as they ran by, turning to face you as he shouted to you. 

“Vader’s boarding the ship!” He warned before continuing towards the escape pods. 

Anger flared in you, pure anger you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was all Vader’s doing, he should have to pay for taking Cassian from you. 

The time you had spent with Cassian wasn’t long, it would never be long enough no matter how much time you had spent with him. Vader had taken him from you, taken all the time that was meant to be yours and Cassian’s. 

Vader had doomed you to the worst of fates, to the coldest of lives. You would always be pining for Cassian, never able to move on from the man who you loved more dearly than anything else in the whole galaxy.

A life without Cassian Andor seemed…it didn’t seem real. It was impossible to think that you would wake up and the first thing you saw wouldn’t be Cassian but instead an empty bed where he should’ve been. It seemed impossible that Cassian wouldn’t be there to fight at your side, to hold you close and kiss you like you were the only person in the galaxy. 

The thought of living without Cassian Andor made you sick to your stomach and sobs finally escaped you as you fell to your knees. The sobs were those a person never wanted to hear, the kind that spoke of true loss and absolute heartbreak. 

You couldn’t do anything but sob, hunched over as the cries kept coming, even as the ship shook and the fighting carried on around you. 

“Hey!” You looked up when you heard a fist thumping against the window of one of the rooms behind you and saw the door was jammed. “Please, he's coming.” 

Somehow you forced your body up and though the tears kept falling you made your way over to the door, you and the man both trying to push it open without success. 

The man’s head whipped around and you sniffed as you followed his gaze, seeing Vader stood at the end of the corridor.

“You have to get this to Leia Organa.” He told you, voice shaking as he held the information Cassian had died to get. 

Another sob escaped you at the thought. 

“Please!” He begged when you didn’t move to take it and you finally nodded, taking it as Vader marched towards the man. “Go!”

You did as he said, hearing the choked cries from behind you as you ran, crashing into droids and people because your vision was so blurred from the tears still making their way down your face.

This was Cassian’s last sacrifice, he had given his life to get this information to the Rebellion and you were going to make sure his last act was carried out. 

So you ran, you ran until your sides ached and then some more. From behind you you could hear heavy footsteps and the filtered breathing letting you know no matter how fast you ran you couldn’t outrun Vader. 

But you had to. 

For Cassian. 

You got to the hallway, could see Senator Organa’s daughter waiting for you behind the closed door, her face lighting up when she saw you. You took a deep breath, ignoring the tears and made your way over to her only to be stopped by an invisible force. 

You watched as Leia’s eyes widened and knew without needing to turn around that Vader was close behind you. 

You should have felt scared, should have felt terrified but you didn’t. The only things running through you right now were determination and anger. You knew one way or another you would get the information to Leia, there was no doubt about this, maybe if it hadn’t been Cassian’s last act but it was and you needed to see it finished. 

The anger was intense. 

You could feel it lighting you up from inside, such a drastic shift from the numbness you had felt only moments before and you used that determination and anger to force your feet forward, to fight against whatever was trying to hold you in place. 

It took all your concentration to put one foot in front of the other, a task that was made harder as Vader’s invisible grip on you only seemed to tighten but you made it to the door by some miracle. 

You pressed the button to open it and swallowed against the lump in your throat as it jammed, only opening the smallest amount. 

From behind you the heavy footsteps got closer and closer and when you glanced back you saw Vader was only a few steps behind, seconds away from you. 

“Princess Leia,” you whispered and she looked back towards you, a sorry look on her face. “Go.”

As discreetly as you could you moved your hand holding the data towards the small crack in the door and pushed it through. Leia’s eyes widened but a second later you felt her fingers brush against yours and the data was with her. 

‘Thank you.’ She mouthed and you nodded before closing your eyes, feeling Vader behind you before he turned you around and pinned you to the wall with the Force, your feet dangling from the ground. 

“You lost, Vader. The Rebellion will always win.” You told him, glaring at him even as the tears still slid down your cheeks. 

“Give me the information.” He demanded and you let out a laugh that sounded hysterical as it mixed with a sob. 

“You lost.” You repeated through gritted teeth as Leia’s ship disengaged from yours and Vader’s head snapped around to stare as his information was taken.

“You will not live to see what becomes of your precious Rebellion.” Vader told you and you could hear his rage even through the modulator, his words and anger only making you smile even with the tears still running down your face.

“You already ended my life when you blew that base up. You killed the man who means everything to me. Killing me now would only be a merciful act. I don’t need to live to see what will become of the Rebellion, I already know they will win. I only want to be with him now.” 

“Pathetic.” Vader told you and your smile widened into a grin even as an invisible force tightened its grip around your throat.

You knew what would come next, knew that there was no chance of you leaving the ship and you didn’t care. You knew you were about to die and you didn’t care, there was no fear, no desperation, no part of you wanted to scream and plead with Vader to let you go, to show mercy and spare your life.

No, you were ready for what Vader was about to do to you. You were ready to die because no part of you could envision a life without Cassian by your side. 

A galaxy without Cassian Andor seemed impossible. 

You had completed his mission, the two of you working as a team one last time to bring the information that would lead to the downfall of the Empire. You only hoped that when the end came Cassian would be waiting for you on the other side, the two of you ready to start whatever adventure waited for you after death together, hand in hand.

Vader tightened his invisible grip around your neck and you could feel your pulse stuttering, straining against the grip and your vision began to blur and darken. Even as you felt yourself slipping from consciousness you didn’t panic.

Instead you let your lips pull into a smile, it was a barely there smile but it was visible enough to make Vader snarl and tighten his grip even more causing a choked sob to escape you but the smile never faded even as you did. 

You were at peace.

You would see Cassian again soon enough.

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