Crazybishthoughts - Tumblr Posts

The gurgle of the coffee maker,

The clink of a spoon on the frigid counter,

The sizzle of bacon residue in a frying pan,

and an egg cracking over it.

The murmurs of the news reporters on the tv,

The distant roar of a train in the background,

The dive into sensory pleasure,

while reality dissipates.

The smell of hazelnut creamer and cinnamon,

The taste of a eggs in toast with bacon,

The warm sun on my face through the window,

today is good; today will be different.

The giggles of the eggs and coffee,

The light conversation and hard laughter,

The feeling of home... within them,

a sudden shift in atmosphere.

The sharp loss of appetite

The grieving of what wasn’t lost

The shared remorse for nothing you’ve done

they tell you that you’re pathetic.

The despair in your mug dropping into the table

The swallowed tears and screams

The chaos that covers every square inch of you

distance between you and hope still stands.

The kitchen and your empty stomach

The distressing moonlight that creeps in the window

The anger in thinking you’re liberated this time

sounds of an empty home stir.

The cold seats that have accompanied nobody

The wallowing roar of silence

The jacket of despair that wears you..

But who the hell even am I to be even walking in this

life.. 🥴

Just your average day in the dissociative brain.

Today, I stood underneath the bridge.

I looked up at how high I was going to fall in.

My eyes still hurt now from the tears I cried.

“No one cares about you” a voice whispered.

A loud ‘DING’ frightened me, it was followed by an annoying vibration.

They were calling me. They were worried about me.

I didn’t want to be under the bridge today.

The whisper led me here.

They tell me that once I’m gone, everything will be easier for everyone.

Then I think about my kids with no mother.

My cats with no owner.

My man with no plans.

My friends with no me.

It would only be easier for me. But hard for them.

So I carry on, hoping that one day I’ll feel less empty.

In my darkest moment,

I gave you my light.

In my weakest state,

You had my strength.

I broke myself to build you up.

I sat there, in the dark,

Waiting.

You never returned.

While my demons tore apart my soul,

You continued to bask in your stolen light.

I found the strength to pull myself from the depths of my own hell,

As I climbed the searing brimstone, relighting my torch with hell fire,

You craved my new-found strength like a fiend,

Because I was A Phoenix, born from my own ashes,

And your soul was desperate to heal.

I see the ghosts of my fallen formers animated before me,

I have yet to meet the stranger who reads me bedtime stories.

Haunting cosmic music lures me from my bed at night,

I feel pink static tickle my brain before I take flight.

I’m not equipped to handle the energy mania bestows upon my mind:

A hypernova blast ripping through my universe, leaving nothing left to find.

The bustling sounds- of what once was- draws me downstairs,

I hear the kettle boiling, the television blaring, the scraping of chairs.

The magical love I feel is compressed, in my chest, into a tiny singularity.

If this is what you call crazy, then I don’t want to come back to reality..

Can you see me?

I’m standing still while running circles,

fixated as if I'm looking through you,

Can you see me, yet?

I’m sorry you can’t understand,

Maybe it’s better off that way.

I can’t have you feeling this pain for it would choke you,

You my friend are strong,

but this takes a deeper strength.

A weight only people like me can carry.

I could never ask you to walk in my shoes for that might still sometimes isn’t enough.

I still feel smothered,

Floating,

Numb,

In a lifeless body.

Can you see me floating?

Can you see me arguing with myself?

I have good days, but I have just as many bad,

The bad takes over at times and wears out its welcome.

Can you see me?

I used to be full of life,

I miss me.

I know you miss me as well,

But I’m on pause,

And with that I have no answers,

because without fault you'll never see me, for I'm afraid that, that girl just may be dead, with no means to be seen again.

I am slowly learning that I will never be the person I was before. Things happened, and my heart was shattered. Pain went through me like thread through a needle, and roughly tacked the broken parts of me into its very colour. I know that this, too, will be okay one day. Like the time when I had forgotten how to breathe and pretended to smile just to not let everyone else worry about me, and then slowly I found myself smiling without even trying. My Mother said that if you wear a mask for too long, eventually it becomes a part of you.

On most days, the world seems too heavy, but for my sake, I am learning how to carry the weight and still live a little in my own way. I understand that pain will always be there, and the only way I can face it is by accepting its existence. I am realising that no matter how much I regret choosing wrong things in my past, it won't change my future. People will leave or choose someone else. I can't do anything about it. I will be the only person to stay and pick up parts of me. I will be the only one who will pat myself on my worst days. So, I have to take care of myself. I am not looking for closure or reasons why people did what they did. All that's left now is the consequences of my choices and I am learning to accept it. I want healthy habits and healthy relationships. I don't want to make justifications for anything I did. I want myself to learn how it is to eat rice without crying on Sundays when I have no one else. I want to learn how to watch movies and eat in a restaurant alone. I want to teach myself that there are things that are beyond my control and if I try to control them, I will lose sight of myself. So, the best I can do is watch it unfold and change my life accordingly.

I am slowly learning that I have to be the one who fixes myself. Other people can't do that for me. Love surely helps, but if you don't know who you are, you might lose yourself completely again when the worst happens. So, I have to learn to take care of myself before giving a part of my heart to someone else. I am slowly accepting myself for who I am, and changing habits that are bad for me. I don't want to get caught up in things that aren't for me. I don't want shallow love, or friendship. I want to text people 'I miss you' at two in the afternoon when they are at their busiest. I am learning that I might not be special to everyone, but I should at least be special to myself.

I deserve that.

I love company..

In the form of anxious thoughts

I am less lonely.

Accompanied by twenty screaming voices..

Tearing at my every inch of flesh,

Pouring pain into my veins,

Crying is good for the soul,

They laugh in union,

As I lie lonely in my bed,

Hoping someone will find me,

Bruised and broken,

And take me into their arms,

Hold me like a child,

But you are too grown to feel such things,

These voices whisper, licking blood

Carefully off their fingers,

Spikes poke at my sides leaving no room,

For me to move or breathe,

I am slowly dying

And yet I tell you I am fine,

For if I were to ever admit,

That this is how I truly feel

My demons would take form

No longer shadows but figures

Ready to take me whole..

You loved her vividness.

She loved your darkness.

You admired her strength.

She embraced your weakness.

You wiped her tears of happiness.

She mourned your tears of sadness.

And when you saw her flaws,

You suddenly changed.

Dismissing the fact that she first loved your imperfections

Above all your lovable complexions.

Depersonalization is just brutal. It leaves you feeling empty, confused and hurt. It takes you in circles over and over again. One minute you swear you’re getting better, you feel like you’re starting to connect with the world and yourself again. Then, the next minute you’re back to feeling distressed and disconnected. It’s like you never know what to believe or trust. Because no matter what you do, none of it truly changes anything .. you’ll always be stuck in this loop 😭 I’m just so tired of being this way..

Sometimes I think of killing myself.

How the end would be so nice..

How the darkness would swallow me up,

And how the numbness would suffice

My need for all the voices of the feelings,

That constantly keep me reeling..

To softly slow to a hush.

As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush..

How wonderful it would be,

To have that powerful silence.

Not even grasshoppers would bother

To wake me.

My cells would stop dividing.

My brain would stop the lying.

Myself would stop denying..

What I truly want.

But but but

This is just a reckless fantasy,

A way to elude one’s own reality.

Because as I sit here on the floor.

Tears drip drip dropping..

I realize there’s those who care for me more.

Cherish me more.

Love me more.

Than I love my own self..

The crickets chirp..

Time to pick yourself up off the floor. 💫

It's my 2 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

I’m here but I’m not.. it’s as if I’m floating. But not in the good way, maybe I’m drowning? 🤔💭 anxiety. Mania. Panic. All these emotions spirialing through me the past few days.. I’ve isolated. Gone distant. Definitely been in some kind of zone. I’m here but I’m gone. 😕😏😣honestly I’m not really sure who’s here at the moment. So bare with me while I float on through this wave of emotions. 😔

Dissociating is a lot like being high or drunk, except you get none of the happy giddy feelings, but all of the "what the fuck is going on" and "where the fuck am I" feelings. And you don't get to decide when it happens, or when it starts, or when it stops, and you get no say in how intense it'll be. You could be at work, or the store, or driving, or at doing something and it will just hit you and won't go away, and there's nothing you can do about it. And then a hour, a day, a week or months go by and you loose that time and yourself entirely, and become someone else. And this amnesia like feeling occurs and the anxiety and panic kick in to try and scramble the pieces to make sense of it..

What living in America looks like..

Some days i wish i lived in another country, one that has their people in mind.. Were like the only country that literally charges an arm an a leg for EVERYTHING that is needed to be successful an thriving.

Min wage - between $7.25- $15 (depending on the state, some states have increased to $19 )

(Only allowed to work certain amount of hours)

Now let's do some math ...

Daycare costs - $800+ (a week per child)

Groceries - $160+ a week (organic add an extra $50-100)

Gas - $4+ a gallon

Health insurance- $300+ (wanna add family member add an extra couple $100)

Car insurance - $200+ (want to add a person, add a vehicle $200+)

Home insurance - $200+ (wanna add storm coverage, fire coverage, water damage $100+)

Life insurance - $100+ (want a higher sum , pay more)

Rent / mortgage - $1600+ for a 1 bd / $2000+ for a 2bd or higher

Electric / gas - $200 +

W/s/g - $80+

Phone service - $100+ (add a line 20-40+)

Internet - $80+

Wanna move somewhere - $5000+ (deposit, last, security, must have good credit)

And then they wonder why us as Americans are STRUGGLING to make ends meet. Why so many are homeless. Why so many are starving. Why so many barley scrape by each week.. why so many choose one bill over the other to pay some months, why some can only afford rent. 🤔 because THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ITS PEOPLE.