Dissociatwt - Tumblr Posts

On today's life of dissociation.. this happened today.

The gurgle of the coffee maker,

The clink of a spoon on the frigid counter,

The sizzle of bacon residue in a frying pan,

and an egg cracking over it.

The murmurs of the news reporters on the tv,

The distant roar of a train in the background,

The dive into sensory pleasure,

while reality dissipates.

The smell of hazelnut creamer and cinnamon,

The taste of a eggs in toast with bacon,

The warm sun on my face through the window,

today is good; today will be different.

The giggles of the eggs and coffee,

The light conversation and hard laughter,

The feeling of home... within them,

a sudden shift in atmosphere.

The sharp loss of appetite

The grieving of what wasn’t lost

The shared remorse for nothing you’ve done

they tell you that you’re pathetic.

The despair in your mug dropping into the table

The swallowed tears and screams

The chaos that covers every square inch of you

distance between you and hope still stands.

The kitchen and your empty stomach

The distressing moonlight that creeps in the window

The anger in thinking you’re liberated this time

sounds of an empty home stir.

The cold seats that have accompanied nobody

The wallowing roar of silence

The jacket of despair that wears you..

But who the hell even am I to be even walking in this

life.. 🥴

Just your average day in the dissociative brain.

Beautiful girl, when you are finished falling, after you hit rock bottom and watch yourself come apart into a million pieces, no one is staying to help you collect yourself, no one is sticking around to pick through your pieces to decide which parts of you are worth keeping. That’s for you to decide. So stay down for as long as you need to. This is the most important part. Take your time. Pay attention. You already broke. So the easy part is over. Go slow.... I know, you thought the breaking was the most painful chapter. It wasn’t. Turn the page. The next part is much longer. It’s the healing. The rise. The comeback. It’s the birth of the new you. And it’s not easy. But you are strong and brave and worth it. You’ll have to leave a lot of yourself behind, you’ll have to let go of all the parts of you that you’ve outgrown. We’re not making ourselves small anymore. We’re not bending to fit where we don’t belong anymore. Do you hear me? We’re going all in. Count your wounds, every scar ripped open, every drop of blood you bled like a promise, every tear you cried like a bet in the name of crossing your whole heart, your whole soul, was all for this moment. Right here. Right now. You had to hurt like that to get here to this version of you who knows exactly who she is, who she’s not, who she will never be again. Drop the apologies, babe. We’re not sorry anymore for who we are, we’re not sorry for what we had to do to get here, and we’re not sorry for the time it took to learn our worth. Step out of the box of all you were supposed to be, according to everyone who wasn’t you, and walk into the you, who’s comfortable in her own skin. It’s time. You earned it. We no longer wear the expectations of anyone else and we no longer let anyone else decide what we’re worth. Because we know now. We finally know.

And now it’s time to celebrate it.

Get up, babe. It does not hurt anymore.

Now go show YOU what you’re made of.

Today, I stood underneath the bridge.

I looked up at how high I was going to fall in.

My eyes still hurt now from the tears I cried.

“No one cares about you” a voice whispered.

A loud ‘DING’ frightened me, it was followed by an annoying vibration.

They were calling me. They were worried about me.

I didn’t want to be under the bridge today.

The whisper led me here.

They tell me that once I’m gone, everything will be easier for everyone.

Then I think about my kids with no mother.

My cats with no owner.

My man with no plans.

My friends with no me.

It would only be easier for me. But hard for them.

So I carry on, hoping that one day I’ll feel less empty.

Can you see me?

I’m standing still while running circles,

fixated as if I'm looking through you,

Can you see me, yet?

I’m sorry you can’t understand,

Maybe it’s better off that way.

I can’t have you feeling this pain for it would choke you,

You my friend are strong,

but this takes a deeper strength.

A weight only people like me can carry.

I could never ask you to walk in my shoes for that might still sometimes isn’t enough.

I still feel smothered,

Floating,

Numb,

In a lifeless body.

Can you see me floating?

Can you see me arguing with myself?

I have good days, but I have just as many bad,

The bad takes over at times and wears out its welcome.

Can you see me?

I used to be full of life,

I miss me.

I know you miss me as well,

But I’m on pause,

And with that I have no answers,

because without fault you'll never see me, for I'm afraid that, that girl just may be dead, with no means to be seen again.

Depersonalization is just brutal. It leaves you feeling empty, confused and hurt. It takes you in circles over and over again. One minute you swear you’re getting better, you feel like you’re starting to connect with the world and yourself again. Then, the next minute you’re back to feeling distressed and disconnected. It’s like you never know what to believe or trust. Because no matter what you do, none of it truly changes anything .. you’ll always be stuck in this loop 😭 I’m just so tired of being this way..

Sometimes I think of killing myself.

How the end would be so nice..

How the darkness would swallow me up,

And how the numbness would suffice

My need for all the voices of the feelings,

That constantly keep me reeling..

To softly slow to a hush.

As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush..

How wonderful it would be,

To have that powerful silence.

Not even grasshoppers would bother

To wake me.

My cells would stop dividing.

My brain would stop the lying.

Myself would stop denying..

What I truly want.

But but but

This is just a reckless fantasy,

A way to elude one’s own reality.

Because as I sit here on the floor.

Tears drip drip dropping..

I realize there’s those who care for me more.

Cherish me more.

Love me more.

Than I love my own self..

The crickets chirp..

Time to pick yourself up off the floor. 💫

I’m here but I’m not.. it’s as if I’m floating. But not in the good way, maybe I’m drowning? 🤔💭 anxiety. Mania. Panic. All these emotions spirialing through me the past few days.. I’ve isolated. Gone distant. Definitely been in some kind of zone. I’m here but I’m gone. 😕😏😣honestly I’m not really sure who’s here at the moment. So bare with me while I float on through this wave of emotions. 😔

Dissociating is a lot like being high or drunk, except you get none of the happy giddy feelings, but all of the "what the fuck is going on" and "where the fuck am I" feelings. And you don't get to decide when it happens, or when it starts, or when it stops, and you get no say in how intense it'll be. You could be at work, or the store, or driving, or at doing something and it will just hit you and won't go away, and there's nothing you can do about it. And then a hour, a day, a week or months go by and you loose that time and yourself entirely, and become someone else. And this amnesia like feeling occurs and the anxiety and panic kick in to try and scramble the pieces to make sense of it..