It's Erwin - Tumblr Posts
Hi, everyone, I'm Erwin (he/him). I'm a DID alter who was dormant for maybe 8 years? So this is my own little blog, where I can talk about the struggles of being an alter gaining consciousness after being inactive for almost a decade and how weird age and time is for me
Life was very different for us when I split off and when I went dormant, so I feel like a fish out of water right now. It is as if I am much different from the rest of the system, who seem to have so much in common, so now I'm trying to figure out where I fit into this group of people
I have a hard time putting my feelings into words right now, but I hope to explain how it feels to be me as I learn and grow, so that's partly what this blog is for
I feel like I need to introduce myself better, but that might be another post. This one is already a mess 😅
Age is very weird when you got a complex dissociative disorder
I am physically 28, but internally, I see myself as a man in my late 30s, but also I formed as an alter when we were 18 or so and then I went dormant for most of our 20s, so even though I identify as older than the rest, I almost feel like I'm the youngest. I feel awkward and insecure like I was when I stumbled through the last part of high school as a misdiagnosed neurodivergent person who was bullied and mocked for "being weird". I feel like a teenage girl even if I internally see myself as a man nearing 40. I was formed by the brain of a high schooler and since I went dormant for almost a decade, I kinda didn't mature in many ways. It's especially weird being an introject and feeling this special type of shame around not being as capable as your source. I am not some strong man, who can handle intense stress. I'm essentially a traumatised child playing pretend. I'm holding on to so much shame and guilt for being such a poor excuse of an adult person. I feel so anxious and wrong for just existing - just like I, or we, did back when I split off
I'm still trying to get used to our current life as a 28 year old living alone away from our abusers, and hopefully I will feel more mature as I process my trauma and forgive my past self. But as of now, I am basically a 38 year old man in a 28 year old body with the mind of an 18 year old neurodivergent girl from 2014
I doubt I'm the only person who's dealing with this, but I'm feeling quite lonely in being an alter who formed as having an internal age being much older than the body (mid-late 30s), but I formed in our late teens and went dormant in our early 20s? maybe 20-21? And only resurfaced again a few months ago now we are 28.
I feel simultaneously like a depressed teenage girl and a 30-something y/o man. It's very confusing, especially because I'm a fictional introject and I don't really feel like many people would understand how different I am to my "source"? I see myself as looking similar, but this character is a ruthless military commander and I'm the manifestation of teenage girl depression 😅 Like, I remember we used to be extremely depressed and were attempting or at least planning our suicide all the time and we felt like we were the worst person in the world. Uh, I still feel that. I hold all those old feelings of guilt and shame like I'm just "wrong" for just existing. I guess this character had a part of his story being that he hated himself for causing his dad to die by accident and he felt like he could never atone for his sins as he lead people to die on the battlefield as a military commander and had a lot of survivor's guilt. Like, I get why we introjected him, I guess? But I'm feeling so embarrassed by being such a failure of an alter. I guess my whole point as a part is to hold all of these feelings of shame and survivor's guilt from our trauma, but it's hard. I feel like I was supposed to be a big, strong man, but I'm weaker and more fragile than our parts that visually look like children. Or that's how I feel. I think being dormant through some very important years, including me last being host/co-host when we still lived in our abusive home and were wrongly diagnosed/medicated, has made me more "immature" in many ways
I'm actually genuinely shaking right now writing this 😅 I feel like crying. It's so confusing and weird surviving trauma. It's so weird being an introject and not matching your source that much. Idk what to say, but I just need to let some of this out
Anyway, I'm gonna try to be brave and talk more and let myself exist if I can. This healing journey is scary, but uh... I'll do it scared 😅
Just gonna reblog my post from our system blog so I have it on my own personal one too. I literally can't stop smiling ❤
Hi I'm gonna be so brave now, but hi Erwin here, I'm super scared about existing and I'm literally shaking and holding back tears right now haha 😅 I'm uh... lowkey in an emotional flashback and I'm trying to be super brave and just sit with it and be kind to myself and be proud and happy that I didn't go through with some of my suicide plans in the past. I was a host when we were in our late teens and I recently came out of dormancy. I hope it's a sign of healing. I don't know, I feel so scared but relieved in a way? Like I'm free in a sense? Idk maybe I'm finally realising I am not having to endure abuse anymore. I don't have to let myself be used. I don't have to kill myself. God, I'm actually crying now. I really need a hug haha. Idk I'm just... It actually over? We survived? Like I thought we wouldn't. I thought we'd die and I never really wanted to die. I just felt like I needed to die to spare others because I was somehow ruining my family's life by existing. I wanted the pain to stop, but I wanted to experience the world and I was mourning not being able to go travel and try things as I was preparing the noose to hang myself in our garden
I'm alive and I don't have to let anyone use me ever again. I can just say no. I don't need to let myself be abused. I can walk away. I can fight back. Man... I did not expect myself to have this moment on a random Tuesday night, but here we are. I'm feeling so happy? Idk... Like.... Fuck... Idk how I'm alive. Shit.... Thank god...
Man... we haven't cried in ages and it feels good to finally let it out. Idk man... I'm at a loss for words kinda (I say after a long rant)
Anyway, I'm gonna stop this rambling now before I repeat myself even more times over. But we survived... fuck...
I'm still feeling so happy about being alive. Man.... I don't know what's going on, but healing is so worth it ❤ I'm free!
I'm still feeling so happy about being alive. Man.... I don't know what's going on, but healing is so worth it ❤ I'm free!