Justification - Tumblr Posts
I have a problem with guilt.
I am haunted by these specters
One by one
Till all I can see is the need for my damnation.
It is easy for me to get turned around in it.
Perhaps I can force down a couple thoughts
But all it takes is one big self-accusation
Then I am drowning beneath the broken damn.
Everything is my fault.
So my mental anguish tells me.
I am responsible for all the bad
Makes me easy to manipulate.
I gaslight myself for fucks sake
And always need to see the best in people.
Suddenly years are lost
While I'm still wondering
"maybe it really is me?"
Add to this a troubled connection to reality
And all the other psychological insecurities,
I risk reverting to that corner
Holding my head
Rocking violently back and forth.
I don't want to go to those dark places.
I don't see poetry in it like I used to.
I don't want to die
And I do not wish to feel compelled towards it.
My torturers have always been loved ones
Ever since I was a little child.
"I love you!
I'll never hurt you!"
While his hand is wrapped around his child's neck.
Kept repeating
Hurt by love.
"Be this do this don't you love god?
Wicked
Sinner
"How can you even face yourself!"
I always bowed.
Evolved to hide in plane sight.
Subservient
I never did anything of my own volition.
I didn't offer ideas or options
I just recycled what I knew they wanted to hear.
I became perfect
And was perfect
A marvelous reproduction
Of the conscience of the person talking at me.
I regurgitated their own words
"and it was good"
I mimicked their neuroses
"and it was good"
I broke me into a malleable putty
So I could be molded into their image.
I became a shape shifter
And disappeared entirely.
.
I have made a lot of progress.
Hurt the people I cared for most
When I turned out to be hollow.
Worse than hollow
Filled with raging psychic pain
From the life long concealment of my person.
A lie
Who professed to love.
Drew close to the door of my own extinction.
Saw what I had become.
Been fighting to heal
To grow and mature.
Yet somedays I still get low
Even after a stellar day,
Especially after a stellar day,
And begin to question myself
Wondering
"what if I am wrong?"
Guilt for being happy.
Guilt for being free.
Guilt for refusing the old pains
And the ones who caused it most.