Marauders Angst - Tumblr Posts
mouth wide open | s.b.
tw: major character death
post-azkaban sirius x reader
summary: your husband, sirius, returns to you after twelve years. but at what cost?
A million different memories flash in your mind as you stare transfixed at the man in front of you - intertwining your fingers together when you first entered Hogwarts at 11. Smiling into the first kiss the two of you shared at fifteen. Being held in his arms as you sobbed into his chest when he proposed at twenty-one. Once memories to treasure had now morphed into memories to desperately grasp onto as they were snatched away from you.
“You just wait and see, love. I’ll leave you with your mouth wide open,” he used to say confidently, a grin on his face before he went and did something stupid to impress you. A small smile forms on your lips as you recall how often he claimed that in your teenage years.
It felt surreal, the moment you had dreamt of for years finally taking place right before your eyes. Twelve years, to be exact. You continue to stand there dumbly, quietly taking in his features and timeless beauty. His long, silky black hair, now unruly and messy with lack of care. His hypnotising grey eyes, now sunken and without a spark. Hey, what about that smile of his - the one which always made your heart flutter? You lock your eyes on his lips, eyes lighting up as you see the corners of his mouth tilted up in that familiar, teasing smirk. The familiar sensation of butterflies soaring in your stomach takes over your senses as you look him up and down.
Sirius Black. A name you had grown so accustomed to calling, but a name that had never left your mouth for the past twelve years. He was here now, after all this time. Sirius kept his promise - he said he would return to you, and he did. Your prayers had been answered. The world had brought your husband back to you.
But oh, how you wished he had been brought back to you alive.
“Miss?” the mortuary worker asked irritably, her voice filtering through the haze in your head, causing you to snap back to reality. “Is this your husband or not?”
You glance at her, inhaling sharply. The taste of blood is metallic in your mouth as you bite your lip to stop it from quivering. “Yes,” you murmur, your eyes glossing over as you reach over and gently close his eyes. “This is my husband, Sirius Black.”
“Good,” she mutters to herself, scribbling something on a piece of paper before grabbing the cart carrying his dead body and wheeling it out of the mortuary. You silently watch as he leaves you again. He had left you with a broken heart, crushed soul, and true to his words - your mouth wide open.
mouth wide open | s.b.
tw: major character death
post-azkaban sirius x reader
summary: your husband, sirius, is returned to you after twelve years. but at what cost?
A million different memories flash in your mind as you stare transfixed at the man in front of you - intertwining your fingers together when you first entered Hogwarts at 11. Smiling into the first kiss the two of you shared at fifteen. Being held in his arms as you sobbed into his chest when he proposed at twenty-one. Once memories to treasure had now morphed into memories to desperately grasp onto as they were snatched away from you.
“You just wait and see, love. I’ll leave you with your mouth wide open,” he used to say confidently, a grin on his face before he went and did something stupid to impress you. A small smile forms on your lips as you recall how often he claimed that in your teenage years.
It felt surreal, the moment you had dreamt of for years finally taking place right before your eyes. Twelve years, to be exact. You continue to stand there dumbly, quietly taking in his features and timeless beauty. His long, silky black hair, now unruly and messy with lack of care. His hypnotising grey eyes, now sunken and without a spark. Hey, what about that smile of his - the one which always made your heart flutter? You lock your eyes on his lips, eyes lighting up as you see the corners of his mouth tilted up in that familiar, teasing smirk. The familiar sensation of butterflies soaring in your stomach takes over your senses as you look him up and down.
Sirius Black. A name you had grown so accustomed to calling, but a name that had never left your mouth for the past twelve years. He was here now, after all this time. Sirius kept his promise - he said he would return to you, and he did. Your prayers had been answered. The world had brought your husband back to you.
But oh, how you wished he had been brought back to you alive.
“Miss?” the mortuary worker asked irritably, her voice filtering through the haze in your head, causing you to snap back to reality. “Is this your husband or not?”
You glance at her, inhaling sharply. “Yes,” you murmur, your eyes glossing over as you reach over and gently close his eyes. “This is my husband, Sirius Black.”
“Good,” she mutters to herself, scribbling something on a piece of paper before grabbing the cart carrying his dead body and wheeling it out of the mortuary. You silently watch as he leaves you again. He had left you with a broken heart, crushed soul, and true to his words - your mouth wide open.
Hi! Can I request James's sister with Sirius, but Sirius for some reason thinks she has a crush on Regulus? Thx I love your page! <3
thank you for the request angel! ♡
date | s.b.
tw: hurt/comfort, teensy bit of jegulus
potter!reader, sirius black x reader
“Potter. Do you think using unicorn’s blood instead would make our potion have a more iridescent colour? Because that’s what Slughorn wants,” Regulus asked dryly, shoving the book towards you and pointing at a paragraph which looked like nothing but muddled words.
You look at the book for a moment before sighing, letting your eyelids flutter closed and leaning back in your chair.
“No idea.”
Your hands come up to rub your eyes, exhaustion overwhelming your senses. Regulus and you had spent the whole day in the library like crazed scholars desperate for a good grade on an assignment.
That was exactly what you were. You had been paired with him for a Potions project, and ever since Professor Slughorn had made a breezy comment about your potion-in-progress, it had been driving the both of you mad. Although you weren’t exactly friends, there was a mutual agreement that doing well on this project was necessary to salvage both your grades.
The past few weeks were a blur - late nights wasted researching in the library and early mornings spent in the Potions classroom.
You groan and sit back up, willing yourself to hear him out and make sense of the lines in front of you. You blink and look up for a second when something, or rather someone, catches your attention. Sirius stands stiffly a few metres away, leaning on a bookshelf and looking over at the two of you.
When you meet his eyes, he quickly averts his gaze and pretends to be browsing the books on the shelf. You immediately sense that something is wrong - Sirius wouldn’t be caught dead in the library. You notice the hard look in his eyes, the subtle look of hurt in his features.
A frown instantly crosses your face. Your friend had been acting weird lately, ever since your lips accidentally crashed onto his at a party - and none of you pulled away.
It was a nice kind of weird, in which he fumbled over his words and his cheeks would get rosy when he talked to you. But ever since you had been swept up into the busyness of the project with Regulus, it was like whatever spark that was set ablaze had been doused out.
Sirius brushed you off every time you tried talking to him, yet you would catch him silently gazing at you in hallways and classes then immediately looking away as soon as eye contact was made. It made you mad, but more than that, it hurt your heart that the one person whom you thought would last forever was starting to drift apart from you.
Your annoyance started to get the better of you, slowly bubbling into anger in your chest. You take a deep breath and slowly stand up, your chair dragging across the floor. “Excuse me for a moment,” you mutter to Regulus, sidling your way around the table.
“Hey,” you make your way over to the bookshelf and stand in front of Sirius. He whips his head around, a false look of surprise on his face.
“Oh, hey Y/N! Didn’t think I would see you here. Anyway, I was just searching for a book for Moony - I should really make my way back now, James wants me to… plan some pranks with him,” he smiles, his lips pressed together. It’s obvious how forced it is.
You open your mouth to tell him your brother was in detention, his blatant lie adding fuel to the fire of irritation in you. But before you even say anything, he turns around to leave.
Anger flares up within you and before you can even think, you’re grabbing his wrist, your fingers wrapping around it with a vice-like grip. “Sirius!” you hiss, so unintentionally loud that Regulus looks up from his books, surprised. You look over at him apologetically.
Sirius turns back around, frowning. “What?” You flinch at the harsh tone, loosening your hold on his wrist but not letting go. You inhale sharply. “Talk to me,” you say, softening. “Please talk to me. What’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on. What do you mean?” he bites back sharply, more hurt than anger in his tone.
“Let me go.” He tries to pull away, but you tighten your grip. “No. Something’s wrong, and you’re not telling me. Why are you ignoring me? What did I do wrong?” you ask, desperation seeping into your voice.
Sirius glares at you for a moment, seeming to be contemplating something. Then he sighs, his anger melting away as he runs a hand down his face.
“Fuck, you-” he gestures with his hands. “You-“ he groans and drops his arms to his sides. “Why do you play with my feelings like this? I thought we had something! I really- really thought we had something,” he mutters, his voice cracking slightly.
You feel your heart break a little. “Sirius,” you coo, moving your hand down to gently hold his. “We do. We do have something. Why would you think we didn’t?”
Upon hearing your words, he turns to you and huffs out a humourless laugh, pulling his hand away. “Really? You really think so? Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen you with Regulus.”
Your blink, your face morphing into one of confusion as you stare dazedly at Sirius.
“Regulus? You think I like Regulus?”
He frowns at you. “Of course. Why else would you be spending so much time with him? It’s like you forgot I even existed.”
The absurdity of his words brings a small smile to your face, and before you know it, you’re pressing the back of your hand to your mouth to stifle your laughter. “Oh my god, no. No way. He’s the most annoying partner I’ve ever had to work with. Why would you think I like him?”
The crease between his eyebrows softens, and you catch a glimpse of relief in his eyes, though he still seems suspicious. “You don’t? Then why have you been spending so much time with him? Going on study dates or whatever? You’re never with me anymore.”
You huff out a sigh, realisation dawning upon you. “For the Potions project, of course. Professor Slughorn said our potion wasn’t up to the mark, so we’ve been working our asses off to fix it. I really need to do well in this to pull my average up. I don’t like your brother, Sirius.”
“Oh,” he breathes out, and you can practically see the tension leave his body. “Oh. Sorry,” he mutters, running a hand through his hair.
You chuckle lightly. “It’s okay. It’s kind of my fault, I still should have made time for you. But is this why you’ve been ignoring me? You thought I liked Regulus?” you ask bemusedly. He winces and nods sheepishly, earning a laugh from you. “Siri, have you seen the way James looks at him?”
His lips start to curve upwards, his usual playful demeanour coming back to him. “I caught him drooling while looking at Reg once.”
You giggle at that, clearly imagining your brother gazing at Regulus with heart-eyes. Sirius grins back at you, taking your hand.
“So we’re good?” he asks, intertwining your fingers together.
“More than good.”
“Great. Because I was just about to ask you out to Hogsmeade this Saturday. If you haven’t already got plans with emo boy, of course.”
“Sirius!” you whisper scandalously, trying to sound mad, but a giggle slips out and betrays your amusement. He chuckles, looking over at Regulus who was bent over a stack of papers and furiously scribbling down notes. “You better get back over there if you wanna survive till our date this weekend.”
“Date?” you ask mischievously, raising your eyebrow. “James would approve of that?”
He rolls his eyes at your feigned innocence, one hand on your shoulder as he gently pushes you back towards your table. “I’m pretty sure your brother is too lovesick for my brother to protest against it. So yes, love, it’s a date.”
Hi, i wanted to request a james potter x reader thingy :))
So the idea is that james and reader broke up during hogwarts/directly after because they had the children talk, james really wants to be a father but reader is terrified of pregnancy so they break up. But over the years the reader keeps yearning for james and eventually they meet again when james and lily are together and have baby harry and its just really angsty 😭😭
Hope all of this makes sense i thought of this while listening to a song lyric
thank you for the request babe i love how your brain works <3 this is quite angsty so hopefully you like it! and now i’m curious to know what song 👀
also here’s some shameless promotion for @astonishment’s series with the same name, it’s deliciously tragic (☹️☹️☹️) and everyone should check it out!!
in another life | j.p.
“Calm down, babe,” Sirius mutters as you walk in step, looping his arm through yours.
You nibble on your bottom lip anxiously, sighing as you glance over at him. “It’s not that easy, Siri. I’m seeing him after what — four years? I can’t just calm down!”
He rolls his eyes, reaching towards you and thumbing at your lip to save it from your torment. “You’re seeing me after four years.”
You turn to Sirius, and he huffs out a laugh at your deadpan expression. “Well, you never asked me to marry you.”
Sirius wiggles his eyebrows, his lips curving up into a grin. “Marry me?”
“Fuck off, Black.”
James and Lily Potter were holding a meet-up of sorts, and had invited most people in your year at Hogwarts. You were hesitant to go, given your history with James, but Sirius insisted you tag along. You knew he, Remus, and Peter had stayed in touch with James. Rightfully, you ought to have too. But neither of you tried to; maybe you both knew it was better that way.
Sirius simpers, coming to a halt in front of the large black gates of the mansion. He reaches forward and begins to twist the lock, and you instinctively reach over and grab his hand to stop him. He turns to you, confusion twisting his features. “What are you — oh. Oh, sweetheart.”
He softens when he sees the expression on your face. You’re biting your cuticles, and the anxiety in your features is palpable. Sirius sighs and firmly pulls your hand away from your mouth, intertwining your fingers together. “It’s gonna be okay. Just be cordial with him. There’s no bad blood, right?”
“Right,” you mutter, albeit uncertainly.
“But, um…” he sighs, dropping your hand to rake his fingers through his hair. “There’s something I should’ve told you before. But I didn’t wanna freak you out.”
“What?”
The apprehension in your tone causes Sirius to wince. “James and Lily, they… they’ve got a baby.”
There’s a beat of loud silence as the fact sinks in, a mount of uncertainty and hurt settling in the pit of your stomach.
“Oh.”
You’re trying not to show it, but the heartbreak on your face is painfully obvious. Sirius pouts, moving to take your hand again. “Babe, I’m sorry. I should’ve –”
He doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, the gates swinging open to reveal a beaming James Potter.
“Pads,” he grins immediately, eyes locking on Sirius as he moves towards him and swoops him into a quick hug.
You take the moment to look James over. He looked exactly like you remembered — messy curls, toned biceps, that movie-star grin. Yet something felt different, in the way he pulled Sirius into a hug without all the raucous fervour he would’ve at 16, how he held him so gently at arm’s length while talking to him. He’d softened, you realised, from the responsibilities of fatherhood and being a husband.
They pull apart a moment later, and his gaze drifts to you. His smile loses a bit of its sunshine, not softening but not quite dimming either. “Y/n, hey.”
There’s a moment of hesitation as he looks at you, but then he seems to decide upon giving you a hug too.
“Hi,” you mutter as he shortens the distance between you, needling his arms under yours to press them to your back. You embrace him in return, and a sudden pang of hurt shoots through your heart at the familiarity of the action.
Perhaps he was remembering it too, from the way he tightened his grip. Both of you were heavy on physical touch, and it was undeniably the best part of your relationship back in Hogwarts — how he’d always have a hand wrapped around your waist, how you’d wake up to cuddles and hugs every morning. You didn’t exactly have anyone to hug anymore, living alone.
So you convince yourself that the reason you hold on to James for slightly longer than necessary was because you craved human touch, not because of… anything else.
Finally, James pulls away, his arms dropping to his sides as he gives you a small smile. You plaster one onto your face too, for his sake. “So,” he starts as he turns around, beginning to lead you and Sirius into the mansion, “how’ve you been, Y/n?”
You can feel Sirius’ gaze burning holes into the side of your head, but choose to ignore him. “I’ve been great, yeah. You?”
James nods. “That’s cool. Yeah, I’ve been good too. Things have been fun, but kind of busy; you know, with work and Lily and the baby…” He seems to realise what he’s said, and clears his throat awkwardly. Oh, of course. The baby.
Sirius is beside you in an instant, arching his eyebrows and nudging your elbow to respond.
“Oh, um… congrats on the baby, by the way.”
James turns around to face you as you walk, and you give him a grin to prove that you’re being genuine — to show him that it didn’t feel like there was a knife being twisted in your gut every time the word baby was brought up.
His eyes soften, and you know he can tell how you’re feeling. But he gives you a grateful smile, and says no more as the three of you come to a stop in front of the house.
“By the way,” James mutters as he pushes the door open, “you guys are like, an hour early. You’re the only ones here.”
You immediately turn around to glower at Sirius for subjecting you to more torture than necessary by bringing you early. But he all but smirks as he follows you in.
Your eyes coast around the mansion, taking it all in. It’s decorated in a minimalist aesthetic, white couches and brown rugs. It was pretty, that was for sure; but you couldn’t help but think how different it was from James’ place in the dorm — posters and stickers all over the walls, boisterously red curtains and LED lights. It used to be so full of life.
Honestly, you might’ve guessed an old couple lived here, if not for the small signs of their life as a family — the pacifier on the dining table, a cradle at the far end of the living room, and the heart-shaped photo frames lining the walls.
James watches you, a small smile playing on the edges of his lips. “You like it?”
He knows you wouldn’t like it, it’s everything you aren’t. Your dorm had been just like his; trying to fit as many vinyls and posters onto that small space next to your bed as possible. There would be fairy lights in every corner and succulents on the nightstand, a dreamcatcher which he’d gifted you hanging right above your bed. You were messy, as a person, and with your love too. You thought he was messy as well; but apparently he’d gotten his shit together already.
“Yeah, it’s simple. Pretty.”
“Honey —“ Lily bustles out the kitchen, a small gasp escaping her lips as she sees you and Sirius. She’s holding a ladle in one hand, and has her other arm wrapped around a baby perched on her waist.
You don’t register it when she kisses your cheek and hugs you, asks you how you’re doing and leads you to sit on the couch. Your gaze is locked on the baby, every second spent staring at him worsening the nauseous feeling at the back of your throat.
You must’ve asked for his name, because the word, “Harry,” registers in your head. This beautiful baby, with Lily’s deep green eyes and James’ luscious curls, was Harry.
Would you have named your baby Harry? Probably not, it was too generic. But it was too late now, to pick out names and choose a less boring aesthetic for a house together.
You had lost your chance back in seventh year, that night when you were laying on James’ bed, limbs tangled together as he raked his hands through your hair with all the love in the world. You’re gonna be my husband one day, you’d whispered, feeling so much affection for him you thought your heart would burst. Yeah, baby, he’d replied with a soft smile. We’re gonna live in a mansion, with our dogs and children and —
Children?
I don’t… I don’t want children. And that’s where it all started going downhill, that’s the moment James’ smile turned upside down and his hand dropped from your hair. It had turned into an argument, a screaming match — and eventually a reason to break up. James couldn't understand much you feared it, the pain of pregnancy and the exhaustion that came with motherhood. And some part of you knew that you weren’t blameless either — calling him awful things and accusing him of not loving you; though love was all he ever gave till the day you told him it was over.
The feeling of Sirius’ nails digging into your palm brings you back to the present, and you see him nodding absentmindedly as Lily rambles about how much trouble Harry’s been, and oh, she’s picked up a hobby of crocheting, and…
You flit your eyes to look at James sitting opposite you, gazing at you with his brows pinched in concern. Your emotions must’ve been obvious on your face, then. But he immediately looks away when Lily calls out to him, holding up Harry for him to carry.
You watch silently as James squeezes into the chair next to his wife, taking the small, lovely baby between his large, calloused hands. He smiles at Harry, looking at him though he was the most precious thing on earth. James’ fingers bunch Harry’s tiny shirt as he brings him close to his face, gently pressing a kiss to his forehead. Lily’s head lolls onto James’ shoulder as he shifts Harry into a comfortable lying position in his arms.
There you have it. The perfect family, with the gorgeous wife and the adorable baby and the man who could’ve been yours if you wanted.
It’s too much for you to take, and Sirius squeezes your hand as you start to shake. Harry coos, and you melt at how James’ face breaks into a sunny beam. He tilts his head to press a soft peck to his wife’s hair, and there’s so much love in that simple gesture that you feel like you could die.
You feel Sirius’ worried gaze on you, your hands trembling and your knee bobbing up and down. The taste of blood from how hard you’re nibbling on your lip is grounding; it brings you back to yourself, who you are, and not who you could’ve been.
“Hey,” he murmurs softly from beside you, but it doesn’t get lodged into your brain. The only thing you feel is your vision of the perfect family blurring, soft streams of regret rolling down your cheek. Sirius makes a small noise of pity from beside you, and James looks up instantly, eyes widening as they lock on you. Lily is fast asleep, baby Harry staring at you with his thumb stuck into his mouth.
“Y/n, you okay?” James asks gently, but you don’t reply, still looking at him with that distraught look on your face. You open your mouth, but you don’t seem to have the vocabulary to express the heartache you felt right that moment. It felt strangely like grief; like you were mourning for the version of yourself you never got to meet, for the version of James who didn’t have the chance to be yours.
James' mouth twists downwards in a frown as he stands up and steps closer towards you. It’s like an alarm is set off in your head, and you immediately jolt back to the present, sucking in a deep breath.
Your legs act of their own accord as you stand up, Sirius’s hand falling limp on the couch as he looks up at you in surprise. You gulp down the lump in your throat and fiercely brush the tears away, James coming to a halt in front of you. “Y/n, baby —“
“I’m not your baby.”
James slaps a hand to his mouth, eyes as wide as Harry’s now. “Fuck, no, it — it just came out. I didn’t mean to. Shit, you’re crying.”
“I’m okay,” you warble. James opens his mouth to retort but you don’t let him, knowing that the longer you spent here, the more the gaping hole in your chest would grow. You couldn’t bear it anymore, watching James with his wife and wishing it was you instead. The worst part was that it was all your fault, your stupidity and your rejection.
“I’m fine, really. I…I’m gonna go now, it was nice meeting you. Convey my love to Remus, Peter and the girls.” You pick up your bag, moving to the front door with a befuddled James tracking your movements.
“Y/n —“
“Bye, James,” you call out halfheartedly as you slip into your shoes. He comes to stand at the door, rocking Harry from side to side. He looks almost disappointed as you make to leave.
“I’m sorry.”
You look up, surprised. “It’s not your fault.”
James’ lips pursed together with guilt, seeming like he wants to say something as he opens and closes his mouth. He finally sighs, “It’s not your fault either.
It was startling, how he still knew just the right thing to say — he always had. The regret that had been clogging up your heart for years was drained out upon hearing that one sentence. James didn’t hold the utter failure of your relationship against you, and that was enough. If you couldn’t have his love, at least you had his forgiveness.
You give him a half smile and nod, turning around to leave. You’d go back to yours, more of a house than a home. But at least no one but yourself could hurt you there, there was no one to turn away and no hearts to break. No one to love.
“Hey.”
You spin back around to face the door, heart stopping upon seeing the moistness in his eyes. You hear the scratchiness in his throat as he sucks in a deep breath.
“James…”
“No, don’t — don’t say anything. I just wanted to tell you, um…” he defeatedly runs a hand through his hair and exhales shakily. “I hope we worked out, you know, in another life.”
That catches you off guard, your heart involuntarily squeezing in your chest. James looks almost embarrassed as he says it, but you see the vulnerability in his eyes. He was right — maybe there was some planet on which you were less of a coward, another world where he could put a ring on your finger. He’d been yours to lose in this life, perhaps he was yours to love in another.
You clear your throat, feeling nausea brimming in the pits of your gut. “Yeah, I… I hope so too.”
You spare yourself one last glance at him before turning towards the exit, praying he didn’t see the tears dribbling down your cheeks.
You squeeze your eyes shut and will yourself to trudge forward, before he can call out to you and break your heart all over again.
In a few long strides, you’re out the gates; out of James’ life again.
There was a strange silence on the end of the phone, and a horrible static prickle ran down his spine. “Mary?!”
“You haven’t heard…”
“Jesus Christ, Mary, what?!”
“Remus… something awful has happened.”
She started explaining, and Remus fell to his knees as the whole world began to fall apart.
early November vibes :P
are we going to talk about this? or are we just gonna leave this for therapy? because i cannot stop thinking about this scene
Hear me out okay doomed by the narrative Bella desperately grasping for control in a life she can’t change
Bellatrix grew up being told every day of her life who she would be, how evil she’d become, by her cousins, by her classmates, even her beloved sisters. it was in her blood, it was her destiny.
She spent everyday of her life pushing herself past the limits, past the expectations. Further than anyone expected of her.
Now as she stood eyes meeting her lovers terrified gaze, mind shattered. She smiled, she wasn’t ruled by fate. She made herself a monster fate had nothing to do with it.
goodbye. It's starting to happen.
(the angst of marauders october)
the art of letting go; jp x sb x rl
pairing: james potter x sirius black x remus lupin
synopse: James always wants to take care and love the others so much, that he sometimes forgets to do so with himself. thankfully, he has two amazing boyfriends to do so.
warnings: slight angst, panic attacks, self hate kinda, poly relationship, maybe peter redemption, hurt/comfort, too many italics
word count: 4k
a/n: long time no see :) literally love the idea of these three together. i’ve only read things where james is the one putting sirius and remus back together, so why not change that? also, if you don’t like, don’t read.
James always felt a necessity to care. To give. To love.
He had been this way since a little boy; always making sure his mum, Euphemia, and his dad, Fleamont, were alright, and helping with everything he could.
This need only grew when he went to Hogwarts and met his friends, Peter, Sirius and Remus. Lily, Marlene, Dorcas. Even people he didn't know that well, from other houses.
James always wanted to take care and love the others so much, that he sometimes forgot to do so with himself.
.
James had been feeling blue for a few weeks. Not that it mattered, his problems were nothing compared to the others.
When Peter felt insecure about his body, James was there to tell him he was awesome, and that not everyone could have the same, intitulated perfect, body shape. He even got Peter going out with a pretty Hufflepuff in the meantime. None of the Marauders have been seeing much of Peter lately.
When Sirius was enraged and frustrated with another less than caring letter from Walburga Black, James was there to make him smile again and go to the Honeydukes with him, just to cheer him up. James was there to hug him and tell him that he loved Sirius, and that he would always have him. Sirius never would stop grinning for the next few days when James was like this; always by his side, or on his lap, hugging him constantly.
When Remus was feeling closed off from the world, mind travelling back to dreadful bright moon nights, James would hold his Moony, would lull him to sleep and try to do his homework. James would fold his socks. James would convince the House Elfs to make Remus' favourite chocolate cake, and he, Sirius and Remus would stay up together, sharing cuddles and hugs (and kisses).
So, yeah. James really should pull himself together because he didn't have the right to feel sad. To want to cry. To want someone to hold him instead. He had lovely parents, he was a star player in his quidditch team, girls and guys threw themselves at him left and right, and he had the bestest friends and boyfriends anyone could ask for. He had the perfect life, he always heard.
"Honestly, James, you're just so amazing. I don't know what I would've done without you. You're just so perfect, your life's perfect," Peter once commented. "And you're really smart, which is also cool and-"
James then tuned him out. Peter was lately spending less time with James, Sirius and Remus. James logically knew why; he had a girlfriend, he had made new friends, he wanted to give the rest of the Marauders space for their relationship. He had even started to sleep in Longbottom's dorm, which had a free bed, and the two of them had become the greatest of friends. Logically, James knew this.
But, at the same time, he couldn't help but feel like he made something to draw Peter away. Like James failed. When, in reality, Peter would always be grateful to James to pull him out of his shell, and find the relationships that he was longing for. He had a beautiful, kind girlfriend. He had other friends. He felt at home with the Marauders. The bitterness that sometimes Peter would feel disappeared completely. Peter would always be grateful for having a friend like James.
James just didn't understand this. And for that he would always disagree with Peter- James really wasn’t amazing.
.
At first, he could fake it. The sadness and the growing despair inside him. He would smile, he would joke, he would be confident. Even Padfoot and Moony, the ones that knew him the most, the ones that he loved the most, didn't really notice something at first. And why would they? Even James didn't know what was wrong. If he ignores it, it will go away, he's sure.
However, slowly, Sirius and Remus realised that something was wrong. They just didn't know how truly wrong it was.
The first time it was after a Quidditch game against Hufflepuff. They had lost, and it was thanks to James. At least he thought it was. He couldn't get one goal right, and their point disadvantage was so big, that even after the red seeker catched the golden snitch, it wasn't enough to win.
Remus thought it was just a bad game, even though he did find it odd. He couldn't see James' face from the standards, so he would have to wait until he could hug both of his boyfriends to give his signature comforting smile and say 'Don't worry, next time it will be better'.
He had been waiting outside of the Griffindor's locker rooms, where the team would shower after the games, for about 15 minutes now.
The door opened and Remus turned his head towards it's way, expecting to find a wet haired Sirius with his arm around a pouting James. Instead, he only found a frowning Sirius, and no James.
"Where's Prongs?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow and opening his arms for Sirius. Being the tallest one with 6'3, Remus leaned his head on Sirius's, kissing his hair. Sirius, not very much behind on the height department being only 2 inches shorter, nuzzled his nose on Remus' chin.
"Something's not okay, Moony," Sirius closed his eyes, frown deepening.
"Watchu' mean?" Remus said, still looking towards the door to see his other love.
"Prongs. James. His eyes... he was really sad."
"Well, I mean, it wasn't the best game, I know, but-"
Sirius pulled back slightly, mouth still frowning and eyes swimming with worry. "It's not that, Moons. He was just... I don't know, you'll understand when you see him, but he just kept his eyes down the entire time, said to the team that he was sorry for disappointing us, and went to the shower. He's still in there. He told me to come get you and for us to go get dinner and that he would meet us in the dorm. Something's not okay, Remus."
It was now Remus' turn to frown. This wasn't like James. After a bad game, James would get out of that locker room, his hair wet and messy, glasses crooked, and his arms crossed, all while pouting like a child. He then would come into Remus arms, and ask demand him to carry him towards the dorm, not carrying who saw them. Sirius would be close behind, talking exasperatedly and dramatically about the game to Remus and James would sulk and hide his face on Moony's neck, while his legs would wrap around his waist. Being the smallest of the three at 5'10, this really wasn't a problem for Remus.
But this didn't happen. Sirius and Remus shared a worried look but went to the Kitchens, hand in hand, to go get dinner and bring it to their dorm. They asked for an extra treacle tart for their bespectacled boy.
And when James finally got there, almost half an hour later, with his eyes lost and a tired smile, neither said anything. They only held him and kissed him throughout the night.
.
The second time it happened was during Transfiguration. It was known that James Potter was quite good at it, and it never failed to make Minnie very proud (insert a rolling of eyes and a reluctant smile by the elder professor).
They were being given back their papers, the ones they did the previous week. McGonagall said that she was proud of the class, that they all did good. When it got to James' turn, she gave him the smallest smile, and continued to give their papers away. A big, bold red 'A' was written on the corner of the page. Acceptable.
Huh, James thought. Okay then. He usually got an O, as he always did outstandingly well in these, but apparently he really wasn't that good.
"Hey, Potter, how did you do? An 'O' again?" Lily Evans exclaimed from a few seats at the front, turning around and flashing her daring but nice smile. They had studied together for this paper. James noticed the 'O' on her paper.
Students were talking excitedly to one another, eager to show their good grades. James looked at her and smiled weakly at her, but to others it seemed more of a bashful smile. "Not this time Evans, got an 'A'."
He noticed the noise lower slightly, his friends glancing his way with a curious look. Lily was surprised, but tried to hide it by shrugging it off while saying something akin to "Oh, that's also alright then". James knew she didn't mean it, but it sounded a little condescending, like when you're talking to a small child. He looked down at his red 'A' again.
He was a good friend. He was good at Quidditch. He was bright at Transfiguration. At least he thought so. As the days passed, James was starting to doubt it.
He missed the look Sirius and Remus gave him from each of his sides. He didn’t really notice the arm Sirius wrapped around his waist or the hand that Remus was now stroking. James could only hear the blood rushing through his ears, and he lost himself in his own head. He almost didn’t catch the dismissal from McGonagall. He unwrapped himself from his boyfriends hold and rushed out of the classroom, his paper grasped tightly in his hands. His ears were ringing, he didn't hear the calls of his name; McGonagall wanted to talk to him, having noticed his growing silence in her classes. Lily wanted to apologise, for having come off as rude, when she saw the glare Sirius sent her way. Peter wanted to show James his 'E', excited for his good grade. Dorcas and Marlene wanted to go on a walk, to tell him the newest gossip. Sirius and Remus just wanted their Prongs back, but he didn't hear them at all.
.
"I am scared, Rem," Sirius quietly admitted that night.
"I know, Pads. Me too," he whispered, still running his fingers through James' raven hair.
It was almost midnight. Peter was spending the night with his girlfriend, and while Sirius and Remus loved Peter, they were quite happy for the privacy. Especially now.
James was on top of Remus, head resting on his chest. His back was towards Sirius, who wrapped his arms around James torso, cuddling into Remus' side. They had only found James hours after the Transfiguration incident, hidden under his Invisibility Cloak on his bed (even though it was their bed, transfigured into a bigger king size, so the three of them could sleep comfortably together).
"I don't know what's wrong. He won't talk to me. To us. I just want our James back, Remus," Sirius continued, voice quivering from the lump in his throat. His eyes were suspiciously watery.
"I know, love, I know," Remus sighed tiredly, kissing Sirius on the lips and pressing a long kiss on the top of James' head.
Neither said anything when a lonely tear escaped James' eye.
.
Christmas was approaching now. Classes were ending today, and most of the students were happy to go back home and see their family.
It was breakfast, and James was sitting next to Remus, Sirius across them along with Peter and Frank. James was munching on his toast quietly, head leaning on Remus' shoulder, while Remus wrapped his arm around James' waist.
It was obvious to everyone now that James Potter was not okay. But one look at Sirius and Remus' faces and their opinions and thoughts would be immediately shut down.
The boys were talking with Lily, Marlene and Dorcas when an owl came in and dropped a letter on James' lap. James cleaned his hand with his napkin and opened a letter that was clearly from his parents. He couldn't wait to go home. That was probably all he needed, to go home for a few days, and when he came back he would be completely normal again. At least, what was normal for James.
He knew that his boyfriends were worried, if the constant affection and reassuring "I love you"'s were anything to go by. He loved them so much it hurt him, and he hated himself for doing this to them, but he couldn't do anything about it. He didn't know how to. James didn't even know what was wrong with him, why he was sad.
James felt his heart stop at his mother's writing.
Dear,
Your grandfather Henry passed this previous night. Monty and I will travel to London, for his funeral, this afternoon. It may be better for you to stay this Christmas at Hogwarts, sweetheart, as we'll only be back by next week to sort everything out.
We're really sorry dear, We promise we'll make up to you. Say sorry to Sirius and Remus for us, our celebration will have to wait.
We love you. Merry Christmas.
Mum and Dad.
Oh. Okay then.
James heard Remus' sharp intake of breath from beside him. He knew he was reading from over his shoulder.
"Jamie-"
"S' okay, Moons," James said, slowly removing Remus' arm from around him.
"No, please wait-" Remus tried once more, reaching his arms towards his James. His James that was hurting badly and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
The slight desperation in Remus' voice startled the others; if the usual calm and collected Remus Lupin was that worried, it was definitely not good.
"I'll be right back, Rem. Don't worry."
And with that James left the Great Hall.
.
Hogwarts was almost empty by the end of the afternoon. The majority of the students went back home. Sirius and Remus stayed, refusing to go anywhere.
The Gryffindor Common Room was filled with Christmas decorations to the brim. The light was dim, candles flying around. The harsh rain and wind from outside filled the silence. Being the only one there, Sirius was cuddled up under a big, cozy blanket, his and his boyfriends favourite, on his favourite sofa, looking longingly at the fireplace. He was waiting for James to return from wherever he went to hide. Remus was finishing his shower back in the dorm.
It had been a while since Sirius was happy, as he couldn't when one of his favourite two persons wasn't. The quidditch game, the one where all of this started, had been today three weeks ago. The full moon was a week after that. It has been a difficult month in general.
No matter how much he thought, Sirius didn't know what was wrong with James. He had always been proud of himself when it came too reading Remus and James. He knew them like the palm of his hand, they were his soulmates. It made him anxious not knowing what was wrong with one of them.
The sound of a portrait opening shook him out of his thoughts, and Sirius snapped his head in the sound's direction.
There, looking completely exhausted, was standing James Potter. His eyes were red, as if he'd been crying non-stop for hours. His breathing was loud, and Sirius was sure his lover's heart was beating way too fast.
Sirius Black was completely terrified because, as he'd come to realise, James Potter was reaching his breaking point. James opened his mouth and Sirius held his breath.
"Where's Remmy?" He asked quietly. So quietly that Sirius only heard him because they were the only ones there. Because the only thing that could be heard was the distant sound of rain and ravished breaths. Remus by now must have finished his shower. He must have, Sirius thought.
"He's just finished showering, Prongsie," Sirius's voice trembled slightly. He was sure that still, James didn't notice.
"Oh," his voice was soft, resembling the one of a small, innocent child, "Okay."
James looked out of the window, eyeing the rain. His mind was slipping, James realised. James felt small and sad and desperate and so tired. He wanted to count the tiny drops of rain that were painting the dark sky. He wanted to scream. He wanted Sirius and Remus. His ears were ringing again and James would've laughed at the thought if he could. They have been doing that quite much lately.
"I'm sorry-" James' voice broke. "I'm so so sorry, Siri.
And James finally let go.
.
Sirius saw James fall to his knees, Sirius saw James crying. The crying became almost immediately heart wrecking sobs.
Sirius jumped, and ran the fastest he ever had towards James. "Oh, my love," Sirius cried and pulled James into his arms. James gasped and pressed himself hard into Sirius body, as if trying to get out of his own and mold with him. Sirius was also crying in pain, as he could now see all of the despair James was in, but also in relief because he knew that this was necessary. James needed to break so he could heal. He needed to let go, and Sirius and Remus would be there to help pick up the pieces. It really was what he needed, what they all needed.
"Sirius," James called, body trembling, crying hysterically.
"I'm here, James, I'm here."
Sirius couldn’t really register his voice yelling for Remus. He picked James up, and walked the fastest he could to their dorm.
When he got there, Sirius threw the door open with one hand, the other still carrying James, who had legs wrapped tightly around the others waist, arms around his neck, hands mindlessly pulling at his hair, eyes tightly shut as the pain consumed him. James' sobs wouldn't subside, and his voice would be calling for either Sirius or Remus, saying that he was sorry and that he needed them and that he couldn't and that he was sorry again.
"Remus!" Sirius frantically called. "Remus, Remus!"
Remus rushed out of the bathroom shirtless, only having time to pull up his grey sweatpants. The sight in front of him would forever be the most heartbreaking thing in his life. Sirius with his eyes wide and hair completely messy, with tears running down on his face. His expression was of pain and fear. In his arms was a desperate James that sobbed and called for him, clinging to Sirius as if he needed him to survive. It was probably true anyway.
"Remmy, please, I'm sorry-" James continued, stuck in his own mind.
"I'm here baby, I'm here," Remus immediately rushed towards him, taking James into his arms to give Sirius some rest, and cupping his swolen, wet, red face with one hand. "You're okay now, Jamesie, we're here and we're not going anywhere. I love you."
Remus went to their bed, holding James tightly. He leaned his back on the headboard, keeping James on his lap. Sirius went to the bathroom and he came back with a soft towel, tissues and a glass of water. He put all of the items on the little table besides their bed and pressed himself into Remus' side, who let go of his arm to wrap around the balck haired boy. Sirius pressed his face into the back of James' neck, kissing and murmuring words of love into it. He felt James' frantic heartbeat start to slow down after a few moments that seemed too long and Sirius released a sighed of relief. Remus, who was previously nuzzling his nose on James' head, threw his head back, leaning it on the headboard as well, looking tired.
No one said anything for a few moments. The boys were waiting patiently for James to get out of his head, to collect his thoughts, to calm down. Sirius laced his fingers with Remus', who squeezed his hand.
"It-it started at the beginning of-of November more or less," James started, stuttering and fumbling over his words. Sirius put his arm around James' belly, and stroked the exposed skin, as his hoodie had rolled up. "I just- started to feel over, overwhelmed at taking care of everyone, and I felt sad. But, but I thought it wasn't important compared to all of the-the shit you two and the others have to face sometimes. So I just ignored it and, and kind of suppressed it." James furred his eyebrows, trying to concentrate, but the trembling of his voice didn't seem to want to stop.
"Shh, it's alright, baby, don't worry. Take your time," Remus quietly, but lovingly, reassured.
James nodded, cuddling more into Remus' warmth and grabbing the hand Sirius had on his stomach. " And it just- and it just kept getting worse. I just kept feeling more sad , and I was just so afraid of hurting and disappointing you..." He trailed off, lonely teats still running through his face. "I guess I just stopped caring about me, to the point where I didn't know what to do." James' voice broke and his lovers held on tighter to him.
He paused for a few seconds before he continued. "And when I went back to the Common Room, and saw Pads all cuddled up with our blanket... and, and he was frowning and his eyes were sad- I couldn't help but blame myself and feel like I disappointed you, and all of what I was trying to hold together these past few weeks just- just snapped."
"Oh, love, " Sirius sighed, stroking his thumb over the hand he was holding. Sirius then sat up straight, turned James back to Remus' front, and moved so he was right in front of the other two. He then grabbed James' face with both of his hands, while Remus wrapped his arms around James' waist and rested his face on James' shoulder. "I want you to get this through inside that thick head of yours, alright?" Sirius quietly demanded. "You should never ever feel like you don't matter, okay? Your feelings are just as important as Moony's and mine. You shouldn't feel like you don't matter, my love, because you do."
Remus lovingly kissed James' neck. "Padfoot's right, Jamie. And you could never disappoint us, baby, we love you so much."
James nodded softly, trying to get their words inside. Yeah. He can do that. He teared his eyes from Sirius' handsome face and looked down. Wow. I am such a fool.
"James." Remus murmured, noticing his boyfriend getting lost in his mind again. He continued to press small kisses to the raven haired boy. First his neck, then behind his ear. His jaw, his cheek, his temple and his hair. Just letting him know that he would always take care of his boy. Remus and Sirius would show James forever that he matters. That he is loved, that he is bewitching, smart and beautiful. Never again, Remus repeated in his mind.
Sirius lifted James' head once again and stroked his cheek adoringly. His hazel eyes were slightly dazed as he looked at Sirius. James gave him the littlest and sweetest smile. He looks so small, Sirius' mind echoed. And so precious. His boyfriend was absolutely adorable like this. In Remus' lap the size difference stood out; his hair was a mess and his glasses were crooked. His eyes were reddened and occasional sniffles were heard. His oversized black hoodie made the scene all the more cute. Not resisting, Sirius kissed James deeply and delicately, still stroking his face. Remus sighed contentedly and continued to press small kisses to whatever skin came across.
They stayed like that for a while. Throwing meaningful words of love and touches of affection. It was not until James finally slumped against them, with closed eyes and slow breaths, that Remus and Sirius pulled back and layed down, pressing James between them before all of them went to rest.
Sirius kissed Remus forehead and Remus kissed Sirius lips. Both of them pressed many tiny kisses into James' head, watching a peaceful smile appear. And it was then that it was clear:
James would always be okay, with his Remus and his Sirius, as long as he learned to just let go.
Regulus' funeral was the first time Sirius saw his family again after he moved out. He thought he could handle it, he had to for Regulus, but what he couldn't handle was them standing emotionless, impassive, looking almost bored, as the coffin of his brother, the man who always tried so hard to please his parents, was being lowered to the ground. And Sirius just snapped. Grief came crashing down on him and he broke down crying,yelling that it was their fault, that they had brainwashed Regulus and set him up for this, that they were heartless monsters who cared for nothing but their legacies. He stayed at Regulus' grave long after the funeral, hugging the stone, knowing it was the first time he had hugged his brother since they were 14. Knowing that he never hated Regulus, he never could hate Regulus, that was his younger brother after all, the boy who looked at him with stats in his eyes, and knowing that Regulus died thinking his older brother despised him
Congratulations on reaching a new milestone! So so proud of you! 💜
May i request a little blurb? I came up with my own prompt, I hope that's okay.
Sirius + "Don't make a girl a promise, if you know you can't keep it" 💜
Thank you, lovely ^^ I don't mind writing for your own prompt, so don't worry :D Though I hope you don't mind I decided on the place since you didn't add that to your request :) Also, this is probably not what you imagined, but I like to twist things around and I kind of ran away with it :D
Unbroken promise [Sirius Black x Female!Reader]
Published: 1 September 2021 Word count: 0.9k Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Prompt: "Don't make a girl a promise, if you know you can't keep it"
One whole hour. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. That's how long you have been waiting in front of the little muggle restaurant Sirius promised to take you to. But he was nowhere to be found. After all the week-long missions he had to attend, you just wanted to spend some quality time with him. You knew the war was closing in on you and you couldn't be selfish enough to take Sirius away from what could potentially save millions of people, but you needed him too.
A sudden voice calling your name made you jump, awakening you from your thoughts. Looking over your shoulder, you found Remus standing behind you, his face pale, almost grim. As if your heart could process what your brain couldn't just yet, it started raging anxiously.
"What are you doing here, Remus?" You asked, but he didn't answer. Instead he offered his hand to you, waiting for you to take it. A deep frown spread across your brows as you tilted your head, questioning the meaning of his presence, his gesture, his exhausted gaze. Your heart fluttered uneasily, uncertainty settling in the pit of your stomach. You knew something wasn't right. Heaving a heavy sigh, you accepted Remus' gesture and placed your hand in his palm, letting him drag you across the street to a dark alley. Before you could have even objected, he apparated with a strong hold around your hand, not daring to lose you.
Within seconds you found yourself at the Order's headquarter. Your frown grew deeper as you looked around, studying your surroundings. "What are we doing here, Remus?" Without a reply, he simply led you inside the house, pulling you up the stairs, before he halted in front of a black, wooden door. You were tired of the silence, the secrecy, you needed answers, but once Remus opened the door, you wished you didn't ask for them.
The room was barely lit by the dim lamp on the nightstand, but you couldn't have mistaken the person laying across the king-sized bed, his head wrapped in a white bandage, his eyes shut tight as though he was battling against the pain. Your legs led you inside, even before you could have realised.
Taking a seat on the edge of the mattress, you reached for his face to brush away a lock of black, silky hair, damp from sweat and tucked it behind his ear, whilst gently holding his other hand. Your heart thundered under your ribs, your own skin feeling tighter than usual. Seeing the love of your life injured, unsure of his condition made you feel useless. Without realising your own tears, they slowly escaped down your cheeks, leaving a trail of proof of their existence.
"Is— is he going to be okay?" You asked Remus in a hushed whisper without looking away from Sirius, your voice shaking regardless of trying to sound strong.
"Yes, it's nothing major," he said, earning a simple nod from you, accompanied by a relieved sigh.
Sirius stirred under the heavy duvet, a silent groan leaving his lungs. His lushes fluttered once, twice, before his eyes focused on you and a soft smile spread across his paler than usual face. "Hey," his voice was strained as though he was screaming for hours. His gaze moved to Remus who still stood in the doorway, but once his eyes met Sirius’, the door shut and Remus' receding footsteps echoed from the corridor.
"I hate you," you whispered weakly, your words more of a plea.
But he understood, his smile unfaltering. "I'm fine," he reached up to your face and cupped your cheek. "I'm alright."
"I still hate you," you repeated, relief-filled tears sliding down your face. "You promised to take me out on a date. A date that would take my breath away," you murmured, unwilling to raise your voice, fearing it was a dream to have him beside you with what seemed to be only a minor injury.
"I did, I'm sorry," he replied with a pained expression.
"You are a liar!" You said as tears continued to roll down your cheeks. "Don't make a girl a promise, if you know you can't keep it," your voice hitched. Sirius attempted to push himself into a seated position, but your hands stopped him, gently forcing him down. "Don't you dare move. You need to rest," though you were meant to be stern, your words were nothing but a plea.
"I didn't mean to break my promise," he shook his head.
"You still did, so I'm going to give you one more chance,” you sniffled, waiting for a reply.
"Anything you want, love," his voice was soft, a gentle smile dancing in the corner of his lips.
"Good, because you’re going to have to promise me a lot,” you pouted as you wiped the remaining tears from the corner of your eyes. “Promise me that you will always come back to me. Promise me that you will live for me. Promise me that the next time we plan to do something together, it won't be Remus coming to get me just to tell me you're— that you are—," you couldn't even finish the sentence.
"I promise you. I promise you I will come back to you. I promise you I'll fight just to see that gorgeous smile of yours again. I promise you I'll come home just to wrap my arms around you, to show you that I'm still here and I don't intend to ever leave you," although they were only words, you believed them. You needed to believe them.
"I still hate you," you whispered as you buried your forehead in the curve of his neck.
"I love you too," he chuckled, pressing a soft kiss on your head.
Heloise's 3.5k Followers Sleepover and Writing Challenge
Harry Potter Characters Masterlist
𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞
𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐟!𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫
𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞.
𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐠𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬. |𝟏.𝟕𝐤|
|𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭|
Sirius looked like hell the night he ran away from Grimmauld Place. His eyes were hollow, missing their sparkle, he was thin, basically skin and bone and covered in bruises. His lip was split, dried blood crusting around his chin and the corner of his mouth. His bones and muscles were tight, like he was a toy tightly wound, something my mother had told us, with nausea written all over her face, was a side effect of the extended use of the Cruciatus Curse.
I cried, James cried, my parents cried, but weirdly, Sirius never cried. It was like he was numb, sat in front of our fire place, wrapped in a Gryffindor blanket. His eyes were blank as he watched the flames, waited for the pain relief potion that my father made for him to kick in. When it was decided that Sirius would be living with us for the foreseeable future, Sirius looked relieved.
We'd known living with Walburga and Orion Black wasn't easy, we knew they were abusive, vindictive, and it had pained us to watch him return there every summer. But this had drawn a line, marked the end of Sirius' ability to withhold the abuse. He'd snapped and he'd run to safety, to us.
He sat in front of the fire for hours that night, James by his side, silently waiting for his best friend to start talking. I went to bed, cried and cried and cried because my heart ached for him.
Sirius Black had the biggest heart. He was so caring, so smart, so brave. And seeing him reduced to a shell of himself, after only spending a month with his family, broke my heart into pieces that I wasn't sure could ever be placed back together.
Things got worse in the days that followed. Sirius was weak, he wouldn't eat, and when he did, he couldn't hold anything down. My mother spent half her time fussing over him and the other half sending owls to everyone she knew at the ministry, trying to figure out a plan to help keep Sirius protected within our family, and especially when we returned to Hogwarts after the summer. I gave him space, watching from afar as he withered away, lost his personality, spent all of his time staring at walls or into the flames of the fire. James, on the other hand, clung to him like a damned koala. I knew he was only worried, his best friend had shown up on our door step only nights previous and practically collapsed through the front door.
On the Monday after Sirius came to us, James arranged for Remus and Peter to spend the rest of the summer at our house. It perked Sirius up a little, to know that his friends were rallying around him and while he'd abandoned the family he'd had all his life in running away, he had a family here waiting for him, waiting to smother him in love and care. My mother heard back from a woman in the protective services within the ministry, who assured my mother that Sirius would remain safe with us. Walburga Black wasn't about to put herself under scrutiny for a boy who'd disgraced the Black name by being sorted into Gryffindor. He wasn't worth it to her.
A war was brewing, every one knew it, and the Blacks couldn't cause any unwanted attention before it was due their time.
Sirius would stay with us. He'd be safe.
Yet, I still found myself tossing and turning at night, my mind constantly reeling. I couldn't stop picturing Sirius, alone and scared, wondering how much longer he could withhold Walburga's wrath. I worried for what would happen if she ever saw him again, if he ever decided he, for some reason, wanted to go back. I was terrified for him, spending my every waking moment worrying and planning and breaking my heart.
The digital clock on my night stand read three am, blinking bright red and irritating my tired eyes. Sleep refused to come to me, no matter how tired I was. I sat up, rubbing my face, trying to clear my mind of the intrusive thoughts, the worries. The door opened, a head of messy black hair creeping around the dark oak wood and into my room. He looked even paler, even hollower in the dull light my fairy lights provided. He didn't say anything at first, only hovered nervously, like he was scared to come closer.
I watched him, tears in my eyes, willing him to come closer, to let me be near him, to just let me hold him. I'd waited, I'd given him space, a whole weeks worth. I'd waited for him to come to me, I'd let my brother be the one to comfort him in his time of need. But for my own sanity, I needed Sirius in my space, I needed him to be near me, to hear him breathing, to feel his heart beating.
"James' snoring is doing my head in." His voice even sounded different.
What he once would have said with humour and sarcasm as an excuse to sneak into my bedroom, he now said with sadness, emptiness. He was different, in every way.
"You share a dorm with him all school year." I point out, smiling despite the atmosphere.
"I know." An attempt at a cheeky smile graces Sirius' lips and I feel some of the pressure lift from my lungs.
He sits halfway up my bed, I pull my legs into my chest to give him more space. He doesn't seem to want that, because he tentatively grabbed for my hand. His skin was soft, hands bony. My lips wavered to a frown. He turned my palm upside in his hand, traced his index across the palm lines. I watched intently, let him do whatever he was doing. He was silent for a while, just looking at my hand in his.
"I'm sorry I've been distant." Sirius said quietly, placing my hand down on his lap.
I sighed softly, daring to squeeze his thigh gently. He seemed to relax, muscle memory taking over from his guarded stance.
"You're sorry? Sirius, you've been through hell and back. You could have shown up here swinging a bat in my direction and you'd have nothing to be sorry for."
He looked up at me, eyes snapping to look at mine, "I would never hurt you. Ever."
"I know, I know," I mumbled softly, squeezing gently again, "I know you would never. I'm just- You have nothing to be sorry for, Sirius."
He smiled to himself, shifting to sit next to me against my head board. He got under the covers, sat his hands in his lap. He studied the photo wall at the bottom of my bed, littered in photos of all of us. Photos from previous summers, photos of after quidditch parties, photos of sleepovers and christmases.
At the bottom, on its own, a photo of Sirius and I last Valentine's Day. We couldn't celebrate like everyone else, not without everyone finding out. But he'd taken me to the Astronomy tower, hustled a picnic from the kitchen elves and we watched the stars. He'd taken the photo of us, despite my worries that someone would find it. He promised no one would. He kept it taped to the inside of his trunk until the final day of term, and then he gave it to me, assured me I should take it over the summer, to remind me how much he loved me.
I wish I'd slipped it into his pocket, then. So that when he was alone, scared, he'd have known I was always with him.
"I missed you." He said, quietly, barely even there.
There were tears in his eyes for the first time since he came here - came home.
"I missed you, too."
He moved, slowly, his bones still stiff, moving closer to me and putting his arm over my shoulder. I fell into him, hugging my knees, head on his chest, just listening to his heart beat, beat, beating. I felt peaceful, the weight in my chest slowly retracting. He was home. He was safe. He was here. With me.
"There's a war brewing," His voice was soft, like he'd already made peace with the fact, "I made it clear what side I was on, Walburga didn't much like that."
His lips rested on top of my head, his nose breathing in the scent of my shampoo. He felt safe, relaxed, he knew it was over now. But for how long, with a war brewing?
"She used the Cruciatus Curse on you." I said.
It wasn't a question, it was a fact. One that broke my heart. She tortured him because she knew when the time came, Sirius would always pick the light in this world.
"She did." I felt him nod.
"I am so sorry."
"Not your fault. I'm safe now. I'm home." He pressed another kiss to the crown of my head, held me tighter.
It was like he was reminding himself. He was safe, he was home.
"You're safe. You're home." I whispered.
We lay down after that, Sirius ridding my bed of the display pillows. He opened his arms, insisting he just wanted to hold me, that he wanted to feel me, the weight of me, to ground him, remind him I was here, with him. I listen to his heart, beating steady, it lulls me to sleep. A peaceful sleep, my first one in weeks.
The creaking of my bedroom door wakes me up as the sun starts to creep through the window's drapes. My eyes blur, someone standing in the door way, but Sirius' hard chest is still underneath me. I blink, only to find James. If he's surprised or mad about finding his little sister in bed with his best friend, he doesn't say anything.
"He okay?" James asks.
"He's okay." I whisper, subconsciously moving closer.
Sirius tightens his arms, pressing a sleepy kiss to my forehead before falling back into sleep.
"You okay?" James asks, again.
"I'm okay." I nod.
He smiles. He understands. He shuts the door behind him on the way out.
"That went better than I expected." Sirius mumbles into the side of my head.
I laugh. For the first time in a week I laugh.
So does Sirius.
September 1st 1975
Regulus to james: I just want to tell him something!!
James: no you let them hurt him!!
Regulus: I just want to call him a liar
James: Why is that black?
Regulus: I'll tell you if u let me in
James: fine
Regulus to sirius: remember the first time you got punished because of me and I asked if we were still brothers?
Sirius: Hurry up, yes
Regulus: And you said nothing will ever change that? Yeah, wel ur a god damn lier potter
THE 9 TIMES REGULUS BLACK WANTED HIS BROTHER AND THE ONE TIME HIS BROTHER WANTED HIM
Not proof read but oh well. I had an idea and ran with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1-
The first time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was three. Walburga had found sticky handprints over an otherwise pristine glass cabinet. She had lashed at him with the cane that sat by the fireplace. Regulus cried for his brother. His brother would never hurt him like this. And he didn’t. Sirius sung songs to him as Regulus calmed down, and then he had cleaned off any remaining marks left on the cabinet before their parents saw them. Sirius was home to Regulus now.
2-
The second time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was seven. Sirius had been bought a broom by their Uncle Alphard. Regulus was not allowed one as his uncle believed him too young. So Regulus decided to sit by the window and watch Sirius try out the broom from a distance. Regulus wanted his brother then. Wanted him to look up and beckon him down. Wanted him to sneak Regulus out to have a go on the broom. Or maybe he wanted Sirius to pay as much attention to him as he did the broom.
3-
The third time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was ten. Sirius had gone to Hogwarts this year and been sorted into Gryffindor. Regulus received a beating that night, so that he knew that Slytherin was the only acceptable house. Regulus wanted Sirius to come home to wipe away the blood, to tell him that it didn’t matter what house he got into because Sirius would love him either way. Regulus wanted Sirius to come home for Christmas. But he didn’t that year.
4-
The fourth time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was 12. He had tried out for the quidditch team and gotten a place as seeker. He so desperately wanted to turn and see Sirius’ proud look on his face when he realised his little brother had become a seeker. But Sirius wasn’t there. He was with his friends instead, probably playing pranks, possibly getting detention. So Regulus turned to Evan Rosier instead.
5-
The fifth time that Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was fourteen. He had been studying in the library with Rosier and Crouch Jr when he overheard Sirius. He had been boasting that him and James had pulled off a foolproof prank on a Slytherin in the year above for hexing a first year. Sirius looked so proud of James. Regulus wished Sirius could be proud of him, to boast about him that way, but he wouldn’t. Regulus wanted Sirius to be proud of him, wanted him to sling his arm over Regulus’ shoulder instead of James’. But he didn’t.
6-
The sixth time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was fifteen. Sirius had told his brother that he would leave the house that night, that he’d go to the Potter’s mansion instead. That Regulus could go with him, away from their parents. Regulus wanted his brother to stay, or maybe to persuade him to leave as well. But Sirius just sighed and walked out. Regulus cried into Sirius’ pillow that night, and every night for the next two weeks. Regulus wanted his brother back so he could tell him he had packed a bag to leave. But Sirius never returned.
7-
The seventh time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was 16. His mother had dragged him out to a meeting. He thought it would be dull until he saw Rosier. But then Orion had grabbed them both by the shoulders and led them into a second room. This room haunted Regulus for months to come. As he looked down at the swirling ink forced upon his left wrist, he wished for his brother. Regulus wanted Sirius to storm in and save him from this fate, but it never happened. His chest aches this time, more than but ever had before. Regulus wanted his brother, but Sirius would never want Regulus now that he had this mark.
8-
The eighth time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was seventeen. Sirius had left Hogwarts and was still living at the Potter’s. Regulus heard he had been learning to become an auror and hoped he never had to run into him during his outings with fellow death eaters. Regulus had heard one day that the Dark Lord had become immortal. Horcruxes he had overheard. Nasty bit of dark magic that was, but now Regulus had a plan. He wanted his brother to find him. Just so he could pass on a message about his findings. Just so he could be proud that his brother was finally defying their parents like Sirius did all those years ago. But he never crossed paths with him.
9-
The ninth time Regulus Black wanted his brother was when he was eighteen. June 28th, 1979. Three days after his birthday, Regulus wanted his brother. Earlier that week, the Dark Lord had asked for a house elf. Earlier that week, Kreacher almost died. But now, Regulus knew where one of those nasty horcruxes was hiding. June 28th, Regulus had a plan. Kreacher took Regulus to the place that the Dark Lord had taken him, stupidly thinking the house elf would have died or been killed by the Black heir for his weaknesses now. June 28th, Regulus sliced his hand open, and boarded that little boat over to the island in the centre of that cave. June 28th, Regulus had drank that potion. He saw visions of his life, every time that Sirius had left him for James. Every time that Sirius had looked at him in disappointment. Every time his brother looked at Potter, his new brother, and his new family. Inferi were closing in quickly now, and with a simple command, he sent Kreacher away with the locket to return to Grimmauld Place. Regulus lay there, quiet and peaceful then. His job was done and his brother would be proud. His brother. Regulus had scrawled a quick note and deposited it in the basin where the locket used to sit. (R.A.B.) Sirius would know it was him. Sirius would be proud. Sirius. He wanted Sirius. Sirius was home. He would make it all better. Regulus couldn’t feel when the tears slipped down his cheeks, couldn’t feel when the inferi ripped at his skin and pulled him below the water. Regulus wanted his brother to see the note, to see that he hadn’t disappointed Sirius. Sirius could look at him like he did James. Like a brother again. Regulus’ last thought was that he had done is brother proud, finally. But Sirius never found out what Regulus had done and was never proud.
+1
Sirius Black wanted his brother when he was 19. He had seen in the Daily Prophet that Regulus Black had gone missing as was presumed dead. He had cried into James’ arms that night. He wished he had spoken to Regulus more, that maybe he could have prevented this death. Sirius Black wanted his brother again, wanted to ruffle his unruly hair, wanted to swing an arm around his shoulders again, wanted to smile at him once more. Sirius held out hope that Regulus wasn’t really dead because then he could tell him that he was proud, so very proud of him and that he could come and live with the Potter’s too. But Regulus was not found while Sirius lived. And when he killed Peter for betraying James and Lily, he hoped he could die too so that he could see his brothers one last time.
„you'll get better soon
'Cause you have to“
some classic wolfstar hurt/comfort aka the aftermath of a rough full moon
when I search james potter angst, I do not want to see a million james x reader posts where the reader is too busy pining over him and gets sad. nope. give me actual james potter angst. give me james potter, mr people pleaser, mr ive been the sun for so long i feel like i dont have a personality outside of it, mr i dont know who i am if i cant help people, give me james potter who breaks down and locks himself away, give me actual, genuine, james potter character analysis angst.
please and thank you 🙏
😭😭😭
I need you to listen to this song once while you think of it as Sirius' POV when he leaves Regulus for the Potters...
and then I need you to listen to it again while you think of it as Regulus' POV before he goes to that cave and leaves Sirius behind