Tw Trauma - Tumblr Posts - Page 3

Packs of sharks all staring at me...

Unblinkingly.

The dark eyes glare in disapproval,

And I'm just trapped there, unmovable.

They circle around me with no effort,

All while I flounder, I gasp, I panic;

I try to fix my mistake.

They know of my weakness

And they take bites of my brain.

"You're an idiot! You're a clutz!

"We're ashamed to call you one of us!"

My own feelings shut me down.

My body won't listen to me.

While the sharks all just go to town,

And then leave me to the mercy of the sea.

Finally they swim away from me; a job well done

Hundreds of sharks swimming as one.

I try to follow because I'm desperate,

So desperate to not be alone.

The sharks swim so fast just to breathe,

And I'm left behind;

Left to sink into the darkness of the open sea.

THIS. THIS, THIS, THIS!

Hit the nail on the freaking HEAD, my friend. You summed it up perfectly; I don't think there's any more to add. I can tell that you've got a lot of empathy and, while I'm not an expert at it myself, you really know your psychology.

On a separate note, I'm glad you're not afraid to say heavy words like people seem to be becoming (probably because most websites, particularly YouTube, are run by cowards that treat everything as an irredeemable swear word these days).

Also, on another separate note... I just want to give our boys a hug, a safe space, and piles and piles of indisputable proof that they're better than they think they are but also let them know their pain is completely valid.

Solar seems to cope similarly to Sun.. they both kind of repress their trauma..

And also they both view themselves as they're bad and not good enough and they blame themselves for things that went wrong..

I think that the difference is that Solar thiks that he's bad due to trauma and circumstances and it shows in the way of how he responds to our Sun..

He pushes him away because he doesn't want to go through the same thing like it was with his Sun and that's why he keeps Sun on distance and seems even sometimes passive aggressive towards Sun..

This is quite common thing for people who were traumatised the way Solar is.. Just avoiding the same circumstances that led to your trauma - even pushing someone away if needed..

Sun on the other hand seems to believe himself to be bad.. and it shows in the way he acts and in his general behaviour..

Sun also tries to avoid the circumstances that led to bad things that happened before.. but you can clearly see from the way Sun responds to events that are happening in his life that Sun thinks that no matter what he'll do or say he'll always mess up..

The difference between feeling that you're bad and believing that you're bad.. is that the first one is simply normal response to trauma and typical for many mental issues.. the second one on the other hand isn't a normal thing.. you believe yourself to be evil without a reason (some reason can also be there but your mind just always exaggerates everything to absurd scale)..

But funny thing is that you're trying your best to be good.. but in your mind you'll never be able to do something good not because you're not doing good things.. but simply because your mind will always find something to complain about you.. for example:

You: I'm going to buy this lovely present for my bestie <3

Your mind: You're only doing this because you want them to perceive you as a kind friend.. but actually you're doing it to boost your own ego.. you're definitely not doing it because you simply like your friend...

Or another example:

You: "I love you, mom" <3

Your mind: Why did you say that if it's not true? Cause if you genuinly loved your mom you wouldn't act like you do...

It's simply that that you don't believe that you have any good intentions ever... Unlike in first case when you believe that you're not good enough so you try harder and better and even sabotage yourself.. in the second case it's just everything can be fine, you can have good grades, be a good parent, spouse or kid or sibling.. but in your head you still view yourself as the most awful being.. your life can be good but you won't stop believe that you're evil...

In both cases 1) when you feel like you're bad and 2) when you believe yourself to be bad.. you're unable to accept kindness of others and happiness in your life which applies to both Sun and Solar..

In second case people also often perceive you as dishonest and two-faced.. just like many assumed about Sun at the beginning of the show.. iykyk💀

And also the anger issues and people telling you "you need to chill" - happened to Sun and me as well..

Cause I'm talking from my experiences..

Also when you believe yourself to be evil you often times let other overstep your boundaries cause when you speak up others often read that as you being too pretentious and/or angry..

That's why Sun most the time doesn't tell people to stop treating him the way it hurts him because he feels that it's both deserved and it would be seen as if he's asking for too much (even if in reality that's not true)..

Also did you realize how Sun always seem to be concerned about Moon's safety whenever the things about Old Moon are brought up? He rarely says that he's scared that Moon will start to abuse him once again.. It's more like "I'm scared that Moon will start acting like Old Moon and do something rush and endanger himself" (not real quote but example).. It's almost never about how Moon treated Sun but how Moon will potentially do something that may lead to him being harmed or even to his another death...

I don't even know if Sun fully processed Old Moon's abuse and aknowledged it as something true that happened.. Remember like Sun hallucinated Old Moon and he told the hallucination that Moon wasn't like that.. "maybe at the beginning but he changed".. and it was a response to what OM's hallucination told Sun that he represents Sun's fear that Moon never loved him.. and Sun later said "I loved you.. I did"

Also the example I gave with telling your mom that you love her also fit Sun's situation - remember how many times Sun told Moon "I love you"? Compared to how many times Moon told that Sun it's like he almost never told that (on-screen, Sun told Moon that he used to say that more often but Moon didn't like hearing Sun saying that)..

I believe that Sun wasn't saying that many times that he loves Moon because he simply felt that it is fake due to how he was unable to help Moon and how many times he screwed up everything..

You may think that I'm exaggerating but.. the fact is that I know that it bothered people - the fact that Moon who isn't as emotionally open up as Sun says that more often than the supposed to be more emotionally open up Sun..

And I can't blame them, it's like I said people viewed Sun at not so kind and as if he hides a dark side to himself or that he's straight up two-faced because of how more Moon talked about his feelings and how little of Sun's p.o.v. we've ever gotten..

Sun tries his best but whenever he messes up even something insignificant and small or when things are going downhill he immediately takes the blame (internally) on himself and try doing things from a different angle and then again and again and again.. and list of ideas for what to change in himself and how to approach this problem differently for all those previous times that ended up horribly are getting shorter and shorter and shorter.. until you don't know what to do.. and everything is crushing you from the inside and often times you start to think that the only solution to all the problems is to kill yourself - not only because you want to end your own suffering but also because you don't want to be a burden and a problem for others...

I hope that what I wrote makes any sense.. even a little bit and I hope that I didn't make mistakes cause English isn't my native language.. QwQ

lição do dia 🪷✨

Por mais que você tente ser “body positive” e tentar aceitar esse seu corpo, nada muda o fato de que uma garota magra sempre será mais atraente e feminina que você.

A falsa confiança que você finge ter para não se envergonhar na frente das pessoas não te leva a nada no final do dia.

(TW trauma, flashbacks)

So he ended up coming home from work at lunchtime today because he was having a panic attack. He didn't let me know beforehand that he was leaving, on his way, etc., which would normally be fine and not really matter, EXCEPT:

I was still in bed on my phone when he got home, and I didn't hear him come in, so he surprise-opens our bedroom door in his work clothes and looks at me with a miserable look on his face. This is e x a c t l y the same circumstance - even down to our room and his work uniform looking the same - as two years ago when he came home early one day and told me he got fired. And that firing 1. happened during a time when we were both already fucking unbearably stressed, 2. kicked off one of the worst years of my life so far, financially, emotionally, etc. etc.

It was the closest I think I've ever come to a full-blown PTSD-flashback-style sobbing meltdown. I think the only thing that kept it from being one was that it took a minute for my brain to register what was happening because I automatically went into fawn mode trying to console him. Like I've def had similar-ish meltdowns before, but this is the first time I can remember where it's been such a cartoon deja vu trigger experience. It was honestly scary?? Like fortunately he kind of pulled it together enough to comfort me and help ground me a little, but man, it was real bad.

And the worst part is, it turned out he forgot to take his medicine today!!! Like that's literally what started all this!!!! And it obviously isn't something he did on purpose, but I'm fucking mad about it!!!!! How fucking senseless and stupid!!!!!!!!

Like I was planning to make today a self-care rest day after having such a busy weekend, like I *already knew* I was gonna be touchy and easily overwhelmed. And then the worst set of circumstances just ✨happened✨ to happen today!!! Fucking cool!!!! My brain is literally fried, like I've been having waves of crying and dissociation and dizziness all day. Fucking love that for me.

Yes I’m doing one of these again.

1. Jenny Rose Baker, hands down she is my queen!

2. SYDNEY PARRA AS KATE!!! I NEED IT

3. No comment (basically just the entire cast from the prom(Caitlin and Izzy as Kate and Eva? Yes please))

4. More focus on Reese in act two and more interactions between Kate and Eva (can we get a Kateva duet and a Reese solo please and thank you?)

5. Reese. I can see her taking on a vengeful attitude in another universe, girl was pent up.

6. Before the Breakdown (Reprise). I know it’s short, but I feel like nobody is acknowledging the amount of raw EMOTION that Zoe packed into that 1:18 song. 

7. Kateva, I say this every time is anyone even surprised anymore?

8. I feel like we would be sitting in awkward silence. Kate is literally the textbook definition of my type, and I feel like I would just be silently gay panicking the whole time and wouldn’t actually be able to talk to her. She would probably think I’m weird XD

9. I would give the song to Reese and put it after Move on, or even just add her to Move on. I wanna see more focus on Reese in Act 2, she killed and innocent person, took away another human life by complete accident, that shit leave emotion scars and trauma. We have no idea how she’s been dealing with this and I would like to see a song about her coming to terms with what happened and trying to cope with it.

10. The shower didn’t kill her, murder did. (it did kill Clark though, he literally got hit with the shower head).

We Are The Tigers ask game

1: Favorite cast member?

2: Which understudy cover are you the most mad that we never got to see?

3: Dream cast?

4: If you could change one thing about the show, what would it be?

5: If the murderer had to be a character other than Riley, who would you assign the role of murderer to and why?

6: Most underrated song?

7: Favorite ship?

8: If you were stuck in an elevator with your favorite character, how do you think it would go?

9: You get to add in one more song anywhere in the musical. What is it about, which character do you give it to, and where do you put it?

10: Did the shower kill Farrah?

LONG ASS POST INCOMING IM GONNA REBLOG SEVERAL OF THESE TODAY FOR MY OWN REFERENCE

Communication abuse:

abuser punishing you for not showing enough interest in what they’re saying

abuser deciding what are appropriate reactions to their words and actions

abuser humiliating you for showing excitement/happiness

abuser shaming you for not showing will to participate when they think you should

abuser punishing you for a certain face expression(s)

abuser punishing you for having a certain emotional reaction to their words and actions

abuser demanding you shut down your emotions except for the ones they find convenient

abuser punishing you for contradicting them/challenging them on anything they say

abuser punishing you for confronting them on their lies

abuser comparing you to others to point out how you’re lacking/somehow worse than everyone else

abuser using any kind of inexperience/lack of knowledge/lack of skill to humiliate and depict you as a failure or an idiot

abuser making you extremely self-conscious about how you look and sound while you’re trying to socialize/communicate

abuser making you feel like everyone is noticing the same faults in you

abuser forcing you to consider how you’re viewed by them to the point of being unable to focus on what you want to say/express/do

abuser watching you when you’re not aware of it and proceeding to humiliate/hurt you for what you were doing while you thought you were unwatched

abuser making you feel like you’re always watched and judged by repeatedly catching you off guard and punishing you for it

abuser disregarding all your expressions of needs and emotions, letting you know that what you want and need is not important, and making you feel stupid for even voicing it

abuser ignoring your expression of pain or repeatedly insisting that you stop expressing it, have no reason to express it and finding your expression of pain an annoyance or a bother or even an attack on them

abuser hurting you even worse in reaction to your expression of pain, convincing you that the more you express it, the more they will hurt you, effectively making you scared of expressing pain and connecting it to further punishments

abuser taking your expressions of emotions as a personal insult and accusing you of hurting them on purpose, or even punishing you for it, just for expressing your personal emotions

 Social abuse:

abuser showing off their control and authority over you in front of others

abuser humiliating you in front of others

abuser ordering you around, minimizing your presence and importance, and twisting your words and expressions in front of others

abuser talking in your name to others and making decisions for you

abuser making you seem selfish/cruel/inconsiderate/rude/mean to others if you disagree with their decisions

abuser publicly criticizing your appearance, actions, achievements or problems

abuser talking as if they’re the absolute authority on who you are and what your potential is

abuser talking about you to others as if you’re beneath them, and as if it’s okay to ignore your needs and interests completely, and not feel guilty or concerned about it

abuser encouraging and succeeding in having other people approve of abuse/perpetuate the abuse as well

abuser convincing other people the abuse is for your own good and getting validation for it

abuser having people on their side and rutting them against you

abuser successfully convincing other people you’re just trying to get attention and they should ignore you

abuser spreading information about you to your peers/friends/teachers that humiliates, ridicules, invalidates or villainaizes you

abuser painting a picture of you as a liar, hysterical, too emotional, delusional, crazy, unstable and not to be trusted in order to make sure you will not be believed when you try to speak out against them, or about any issue that bothers you

abuser telling others about abuse and trauma you’ve been thru without your permission/blaming the symptoms you show on trauma of their choosing

abuser telling others you’re abusive/selfish and twisting your intentions and actions to vilify you

abuser telling others about your mental illness, sexual orientation or other sensitive personal information that can easily be used against you, without your permission

abuser isolating you from your friends, support, and community and convincing you that nobody will stand on your side when it matters

abuser punishing you for who you choose to include in your social life and finding ways to make you regret it in order to dictate who you’re allowed to talk to

abuser stalking/eavesdropping/invading your privacy and using information they found against you/to control you

abuser convincing you that even people you thought care about you couldn’t possibly care because of who you are as a person, and shaming you for thinking for a second that you could be lovable to someone

abuser reacting to anything you say as if it was a stupid and unnecessary thing to say, and using it as a proof of you being of less intelligence

abuser continually reminding you how badly will others think of you if you continue doing what they disapprove of

abuser continually finding something wrong with you and pointing out how will others react to it if you don’t change it

abuser lying to you about what others have said about you/what they think of you

abuser deciding how others perceive you and what they think of you

abuser deciding what your place is in society and reminding you to “know your place” if you act outside the role

abuser displaying anger and punishing you if others give you positive attention

abuser denying others the chance to give you positive attention (taking their attention, getting them away from you, interrupting and starting a new topic when they’re trying to talk to you)

abuser making a show of caring about you, only to change it into ridicule and humiliation

abuser putting you in situation they already know is going to end up in public humiliation

abuser having you spend time in an abusive and hostile environment, being forced to endure socializing with people who will take any chance to attack and emotionally abuse you, without the ability to confront them or escape

abuser forcing you to change what you think of yourself based on how they see you, having you look at yourself only from their point of view and deciding it’s who you are

abuser taking away your means of communication (phone, internet, and any other means you would usually use to communicate with others)

Social Abuse and Communication Abuse: Abuse that will affect the way socialize and see yourself within a social group, and the way you’re able to express and communicate. Bold or copy ones done to you, italicize and copy if you’re not sure! Alternatively, just count how many apply to you and write down the numbers.

Communication abuse:

abuser punishing you for not showing enough interest in what they’re saying

abuser deciding what are appropriate reactions to their words and actions

abuser humiliating you for showing excitement/happiness

abuser shaming you for not showing will to participate when they think you should

abuser punishing you for a certain face expression(s)

abuser punishing you for having a certain emotional reaction to their words and actions

abuser demanding you shut down your emotions except for the ones they find convenient

abuser punishing you for contradicting them/challenging them on anything they say

abuser punishing you for confronting them on their lies

abuser comparing you to others to point out how you’re lacking/somehow worse than everyone else

abuser using any kind of inexperience/lack of knowledge/lack of skill to humiliate and depict you as a failure or an idiot

abuser making you extremely self-conscious about how you look and sound while you’re trying to socialize/communicate

abuser making you feel like everyone is noticing the same faults in you

abuser forcing you to consider how you’re viewed by them to the point of being unable to focus on what you want to say/express/do

abuser watching you when you’re not aware of it and proceeding to humiliate/hurt you for what you were doing while you thought you were unwatched

abuser making you feel like you’re always watched and judged by repeatedly catching you off guard and punishing you for it

abuser disregarding all your expressions of needs and emotions, letting you know that what you want and need is not important, and making you feel stupid for even voicing it

abuser ignoring your expression of pain or repeatedly insisting that you stop expressing it, have no reason to express it and finding your expression of pain an annoyance or a bother or even an attack on them

abuser hurting you even worse in reaction to your expression of pain, convincing you that the more you express it, the more they will hurt you, effectively making you scared of expressing pain and connecting it to further punishments

abuser taking your expressions of emotions as a personal insult and accusing you of hurting them on purpose, or even punishing you for it, just for expressing your personal emotions

 Social abuse:

abuser showing off their control and authority over you in front of others

abuser humiliating you in front of others

abuser ordering you around, minimizing your presence and importance, and twisting your words and expressions in front of others

abuser talking in your name to others and making decisions for you

abuser making you seem selfish/cruel/inconsiderate/rude/mean to others if you disagree with their decisions

abuser publicly criticizing your appearance, actions, achievements or problems

abuser talking as if they’re the absolute authority on who you are and what your potential is

abuser talking about you to others as if you’re beneath them, and as if it’s okay to ignore your needs and interests completely, and not feel guilty or concerned about it

abuser encouraging and succeeding in having other people approve of abuse/perpetuate the abuse as well

abuser convincing other people the abuse is for your own good and getting validation for it

abuser having people on their side and rutting them against you

abuser successfully convincing other people you’re just trying to get attention and they should ignore you

abuser spreading information about you to your peers/friends/teachers that humiliates, ridicules, invalidates or villainaizes you

abuser painting a picture of you as a liar, hysterical, too emotional, delusional, crazy, unstable and not to be trusted in order to make sure you will not be believed when you try to speak out against them, or about any issue that bothers you

abuser telling others about abuse and trauma you’ve been thru without your permission/blaming the symptoms you show on trauma of their choosing

abuser telling others you’re abusive/selfish and twisting your intentions and actions to vilify you

abuser telling others about your mental illness, sexual orientation or other sensitive personal information that can easily be used against you, without your permission

abuser isolating you from your friends, support, and community and convincing you that nobody will stand on your side when it matters

abuser punishing you for who you choose to include in your social life and finding ways to make you regret it in order to dictate who you’re allowed to talk to

abuser stalking/eavesdropping/invading your privacy and using information they found against you/to control you

abuser convincing you that even people you thought care about you couldn’t possibly care because of who you are as a person, and shaming you for thinking for a second that you could be lovable to someone

abuser reacting to anything you say as if it was a stupid and unnecessary thing to say, and using it as a proof of you being of less intelligence

abuser continually reminding you how badly will others think of you if you continue doing what they disapprove of

abuser continually finding something wrong with you and pointing out how will others react to it if you don’t change it

abuser lying to you about what others have said about you/what they think of you

abuser deciding how others perceive you and what they think of you

abuser deciding what your place is in society and reminding you to “know your place” if you act outside the role

abuser displaying anger and punishing you if others give you positive attention

abuser denying others the chance to give you positive attention (taking their attention, getting them away from you, interrupting and starting a new topic when they’re trying to talk to you)

abuser making a show of caring about you, only to change it into ridicule and humiliation

abuser putting you in situation they already know is going to end up in public humiliation

abuser having you spend time in an abusive and hostile environment, being forced to endure socializing with people who will take any chance to attack and emotionally abuse you, without the ability to confront them or escape

abuser forcing you to change what you think of yourself based on how they see you, having you look at yourself only from their point of view and deciding it’s who you are

abuser taking away your means of communication (phone, internet, and any other means you would usually use to communicate with others)

If you bold more than 5 of these, you’ve been abused and sabotaged from ever establishing a healthy way of expressing, communicating and socializing with others. In other words, no you’re not bad at expressing, you’re not bad at communication, you’re not at fault for struggling to socialize, this was done to you to sabotage you from ever having a healthy start. (also if you’re struggling with social anxiety it’s very likely abuse has played a part in it, or at least made it worse)

REBLOGGING SEVERAL OF THESE TODAY, CHECK THE TAGS AND MUTE IF NEEDED

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

WRONG BLOG

“Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault?” game! Bold all the items that happened to you, if you’re not sure, italicize! Alternatively, just write down the score for every category. TW for explicit abuse mention.

Brainwashing; forced to take responsibility for abuser’s actions:

I was forced to apologize after being beaten/abused

I was beaten/abused while apologizing and in obvious pain

I was beaten/abused while crying

I was forced to thank them for beating/abusing me

I was forced to promise them I would change my behaviour in the future

I wasn’t allowed to cry or express pain after being beaten/abused

I was told the parent was the one with the right to cry/be upset after beating/abusing me

I was forced to comfort them after they beat/abused me

I was forced to take on pain/humiliation/guilt until I would agree that it was all my fault

I was forced to agree that I was forcing them to beat/abuse me, with my misbehaviour

I was forced to agree that I deserved the abuse

I was forced to make up to them after they would abuse me

I was forced to clean up the mess they made during abuse

I was forced into breaking down to tears if I tried to fight for myself

I was forced to hurt myself to prove my remorse for behaviour

I was forced to repeat that it was my fault

I was told the abuser didn’t enjoy doing it and was in fact forced to do it for my own good

I was called a monster/demon/sadistic/evil and accused of enjoying abuser’s pain

I was told abuse was done for my own good and that one day I will understand and be grateful for it

I was expected to have positive reactions to abuse and any negative reaction was blamed on me

I was punished for showing trauma symptoms and for showing in any way that I was abused, only acceptable way of behaviour was obedience and unconditional gratitude

I was told others were treated exactly like this, even if they weren’t showing it, and that the abuse was completely normal

I was told my reactions weren’t normal and made to focus on how I was reacting to the abuse, rather than damage and injustice done to me

I was told my reactions to abuse were the reason of the abuse, and that I was in the wrong for fighting/pushing back/provoking/not listening/not being obedient enough/angering the abuser

I was told the abuse was because “I wouldn’t have it the nice way”

I was forced to endure harsh punishments for even a small mistake or no mistake at all

I was told all I got was what I deserved, even if I couldn’t connect to how I deserved it, except that the abusers felt I did

Note: Doing any of these to a child after having them go through beating or intense episode of shock, pain and fear will leave them in a broken and vulnerable state of mind, and anything said to them or forced onto them while in that state will imprint deeply into their subconscious, and they will accept the message without being able to fight it. This is a method of brainwashing. Abuser will do this to crush child’s spirit and to destroy the child’s ability to hold abuser accountable or responsible for any abuse that occurs in the future, to transfer all the guilt and responsibility for their own actions onto the child, and depict themselves as too powerful for child to ever be able to stand against.

Dehumanization: implication you are below a human being and thus do not deserve humane treatment

I was called animal names/slurs/insults and degrading terms continually

I was told I should be beaten up and abused more often than I was

I was compared to beasts and monsters when the abusers were angry

Beating/abusing me was talked about as if it was a good thing they were proud of

I was publically beaten and/or humiliated

I was threatened with public humiliation

I had my physical injuries minimized and dismissed as unimportant

I had my psychological and emotional damage minimized and dismissed as unimportant

I had my illness minimized and dismissed as unimportant

I had my needs and desires minimized and dismissed as unimportant

I had my achievements and accomplishments minimized and dismissed as unimportant

I had my opinions and thoughts disregarded and ridiculed as stupid, unwanted and unimportant

I was blamed for struggling with mental or physical illness

I was called crazy, delusional and insane if I pointed out the unfair tratment

I was looked at with disgust and contempt most of the time

I was accused of wanting to be abused and asking for it

I was accused of “causing a scene” when the abuser would lash out at me

I was forced to “learn my place” if I assumed the same rights everyone else had

I was excluded from positive activities the rest of the family participated in

I was denied the rights, benefits, resources and attention the rest of the family got

Forced gratitude/implication of debt: idea that you “owe” your parents to endure their abuse

parent kept reminding me of what they’ve done for me, even the most basic parental tasks

parent often stated or implied I was ungrateful/not grateful enough for them

parent insisted they were sacrificing themselves for me, implying they expect the same in return

parent kept pointing out others lower living standards to remind me I was “lucky” in comparison

parent demanded I would have to “earn” basic respect and boundaries

parent would not allow me to complain, object or resist their treatment and if I tried, they would remind me I deserved even worse

parent insisted any abuse is perfectly acceptable and rational and that I am wrong and “taking advantage of them/denying their rights” if I resist or fight it

parent stated or implied that I’m supposed to return their effort to them with favours, obedience, endurance and compliance, or I was not worth raising and being kept alive at all

parent insisted that they have the right to do anything to me since they’re the only reason I’m alive at all (I was treated like their property)

parent made it clear it was forbidden to speak of past abuse or past events that show them in bad light, but they would keep bringing up events which paint them as good parent and keep them central to how they should be perceived by me

parent accused me of making things up/lying/being crazy or mentally ill/trying to manipulate or hurt them when I tried to talk about an event of abuse and point out they hurt me

parent kept me hyperaware of how much I owe them and how much I would risk losing if I dared to accuse them/confront them on being abusive

parent would remind me it could be much worse, and would use other people’s suffering to shut me up and make me feel guilty for even thinking I could talk about my own issues

parent kept me aware that accusing them of any abuse is hurtful and abusive towards them, and that I am cruel and ungrateful if I dare to make any statement like that

parent told me I was wrong/weird/stupid for getting traumatized by abuse because “others wouldn’t get traumatized by that much”

parent made me aware of all the issues they were dealing with, and treated my needs for attention and positive environment like an extra issue they do not want to deal with

parent kept me aware of how sick/mentally ill/troubled/desperate/tired they were and kept me feeling guilty over not doing enough for them, not being enough of a support and help, and having my own needs and wants was out of the question

parent made me aware they’re ready to abandon me if I prove to be “too much work” or “too inconvenient” or even just “not obedient enough”

parent made sure I know all their other issues and life problems were more important than me, and that it was not my place to complain, ask for anything, or object to how I’m treated

parent accused of “living in the past” and “failing to be a bigger person” if I didn’t show perfect adoration and acceptance for them 

parents assured me i would turn into a spoiled, arrogant brat had they not abused me

Societal brainwashing; forcing the idea that no parents are abusive, and that all parental abuse has to be forgiven at any cost

parent/society taught me I was a bad/selfish/ungrateful person unless I forgive and forget all and any abuse

parent/society taught me I was an awful, ungrateful and selfish child if I didn’t demonstrate perfect love and gratitude for my parents

parent/society taught me it was my duty to understand and accept my parents, and that no matter what, they were doing their best and wished only the best things for me

parent/society taught me that I was responsible for teaching my parents how to be better people 

parent/society taught me I should never judge or accuse my parents because “I couldn’t possibly understand how hard time they’re having”

parent/society taught me any animosity, hatred, anger or any negative thing I had to say about my parents proved me to be bad, ungrateful and unappreciative person

parent/society taught me that all parents only want the best for their children and there are no parents who hate or hurt their children on purpose

parent/society taught me that there was nothing that can be done about me getting hurt by my parents, and that it was up to my parents to decide what I deserve 

my parents/society taught me that being bothered by abuse was my own fault and if I wasn’t weak and pathetic, it wouldn’t have affected me at all

my parents had other people affirm they were good people and thus I was wrong to accuse or judge them for anything they did to me

my parents had other people agree that I was not normal and there was something wrong with my judgment and perceptions, so my point of view shouldn’t be trusted or even taken into consideration

my parents had other people agree that I was a selfish, unappreciative, and hard to raise child

i had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/acquintaces/therapists side with my abusers and against me

I had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/therapists defend my abuser and take their side, assuring me I have to, once again, forget my point of view and consider abuser’s side

I had other people/society defend the abuser and assure me I’m wrong to accuse them

my parents insisted the abuse/parts of abuse/events i remembered didn’t even happen, and that there was something wrong with me for making up such a thing (gaslighting;guilt tripping, maybe i should write another category for this one)

my parents were a part of religion/cult that excused all and any of their actions because they were doing it for the sake of the third party that had to be worshiped/obeyed (maybe i should write a cult category as well there is much more to this one)

If you bolded even one of the items on the first two categories, or multiple ones in third and fourth, you have undergone psychological abuse that would force you to believe it was your fault, or that you deserved the abuse. This is wrong, as you neither deserved it, nor it was your fault. You were a child, and there was no way for you to commit any crime bad enough to deserve anything like this. These methods are used for brainwashing and breaking a person, and abusers do these on purpose.

LONG POST, SEE TAGS TO MUTE

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something right when you need to finish and submit your final work)

Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)

if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.

Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.

LONG POST, SEE TAGS TO MUTE

Social abuse

they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life

they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life

they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with

they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy

they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone

their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company

they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them

they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public

they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends

they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings

they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine

they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful

they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through

they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others

they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes

they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it

they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy

Emotional abuse

they yell at me even when I’m already crying

they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough

they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”

when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me

they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them

they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller

they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them

they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing

they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing

they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs

when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work

they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past

they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again

they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work

it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs

they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return

they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all

if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead

they’ve cheated on me before

they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them

they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness

they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared

they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies

they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted

they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it

they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved

they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them

they lied to me about having other relationships or being married

they make me feel like I’m hard to love

they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me

they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me

they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it

I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do

I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important

I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty

I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me

I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did

I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me

I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it

I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time

I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.

I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.

I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.

I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.

I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.

I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.

I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.

they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave

Psychological abuse

they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards

they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt

they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life

they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic

they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation

they question my choices until I start doubting them myself

they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices

they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love

they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)

they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me

they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)

they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)

they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)

I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset

they make me comfort them when they hurt me

they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation

they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant

they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts

they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful

they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)

they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)

Body control

they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence

they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself

they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body

they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions

they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices

they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse

they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw

they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)

Physical abuse

they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically

they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again

they make it clear that they want to hit me

they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me

they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)

they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)

they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with

they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say

they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed

they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me

I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me

they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger

Social abuse

they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life

they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life

they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with

they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy

they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone

their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company

they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them

they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public

they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends

they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings

they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine

they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful

they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through

they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others

they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes

they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it

they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy

Emotional abuse

they yell at me even when I’m already crying

they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough

they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”

when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me

they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them

they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller

they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them

they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing

they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing

they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs

when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work

they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past

they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again

they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work

it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs

they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return

they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all

if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead

they’ve cheated on me before

they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them

they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness

they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared

they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies

they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted

they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it

they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved

they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them

they lied to me about having other relationships or being married

they make me feel like I’m hard to love

they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me

they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me

they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it

I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do

I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important

I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty

I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me

I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did

I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me

I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it

I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time

I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.

I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.

I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.

I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.

I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.

I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.

I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.

they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave

Psychological abuse

they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards

they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt

they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life

they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic

they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation

they question my choices until I start doubting them myself

they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices

they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love

they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)

they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me

they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)

they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)

they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)

I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset

they make me comfort them when they hurt me

they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation

they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant

they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts

they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful

they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)

they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)

Body control

they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence

they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself

they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body

they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions

they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices

they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse

they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw

they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)

Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)

they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances

they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things

they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)

they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me

they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income

they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do

they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)

they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it

they lie to me about finances and our current standing

they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)

I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings

I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble

I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose

they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances

Sexual abuse (tw rape)

they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”

they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act

they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me

they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me

I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex

they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing

if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards

I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do

they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them

they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to

they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before

they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so

they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze

they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me

they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing

they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me

they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex

they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex

they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex

they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with

they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act

they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey

they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex

they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually

they demand a lot of  sexual attention but refuse to give any to me

they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way

they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually

they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)

they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others

*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being

If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.

Maybe the reason I shut up when other people start talking even over text, waiting for them to finish typing before I start, is because I'm used to my comments being ignored/dismissed as stupid or being interrupted by my friends and parents for something more interesting. Maybe I'm just used to the concept that all ideas I have are wrong and ridiculous, all the things I believe are false. That's what I've been trained to believe, after all.

I'm used to my concerns and fears and ideas being ignored because someone else, anyone else, is more important and smarter and better to listen to. So I post them to the void on a blog no one follows or interacts with instead of talking to someone because my therapist knows me too well for me to bring up this stuff after a year. Hell, I even post them on my normal blog sometime, but it doesn't matter. Any interaction I get, any reassurance, that's pity, isn't it? For my insignificant issues that are grains of sand in the scale of the universe. That's what you've tried to force me to believe. I guess you got what you wanted, because it worked.

Being raised without stability really fucks with your head, you’re forever trying to figure out a person’s “pattern“ to see how you have to approach them, whether they’re in a good mood and it’s safe, or if they’re in a bad mood and you have to be careful or maybe avoid them altogether, just because those who raised you could never keep a consistent emotional reaction

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I came to a realization recently that my parents because much nicer and sweeter to me and more 'this house is your house!' once i moved out and began to cut off contact with them

Its not like they spent months beforehand telling me I dont need to move out, I can stay with them forever, and be under their rules and strictness. They've convinced me even now selling my house and going back to them would be a good idea.

If they had their way, they'd keep me trapped forever.

Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.

I'm never going to forget the day when I didn't answer my mother's phone call, which was her way of reminding me to wake up for work even though I have alarms, so she used her spare key to come into MY OWN house, then my room, and yell at me to wake up.

I fucking screamed thinking there was a murderer here and had a horrible panic attack once she left and didn't end up going to work anyway.

Honestly idk if ill ever be able to cope that i was shaped by my traumatic environment growing up, like some people say they arent defined by their trauma, but I definitely am. My ability to regulate emotions, my intense anxiety around abandonment, my sense of self, my maladaptive coping skills, my interpersonal skills, my ability to think in greys emotionally, my literal nervous system, all have been impacted by all of the things i went through. And if we’re being realistic, its probably at least somewhat part of just who I am now. Like if I hadn’t been through that who would i have been? Would i even like myself? Or am i too comfortable in my own disordered behavior? Ask me in a few hours and ill probably give you a different answer than now, because my whole idea of the world and myself can change over the course of one mood swing