Venting - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
bpd is not knowing if you’re a good person or if you’re a bad person and you’re just gaslighting yourself to believe you’re a good person.
"Just as I thought it was goin' alright, I found out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right, It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all. I could say day, and you'd say night, Tell me it's black, when I know that it's white, Always the same, it's just a shame and that's all." ~ "That's all" by Genesis
(I know this song's about relationship issues, but I relate to the whole song and in particular, these lyrics, mainly given the repetitive cycle and how nobody understands where I'm coming from when it comes down to online controversy.)
i’m ready to kill myself i was kinda just hoping i could maybe have sex before i die tho
i don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm scared, I don't want to do anything. I don't have a strong passion. Maybe I'm not even a real person.
Just let me curl up in a bed and sleep for an eternity...
THIS, ALL THE FUCKING WAY.
HOW MANY TIMES DO. I GOTTA TELL THIS TO PEOPLE FOR THEM TO FUCKING LISTEN????
AAAAAAAAAAA /NEG
Stop implying mental disorders are easy to treat and if someone online has a mental disorder they just need to "touch grass" or go to a therapist and boom everything's easily fixed
Stop implying it's their fault for not "trying hard enough to fix themselves"
Stop shaming people who don't want to recover
Stop shaming people who won't go to therapy because they can't access it or they have trauma with therapists
10/8/2024
I know this is probably gonna result in me losing a lot of people I care about, but I've pretty much came to accept and acknowledge something that I'm finally understanding.
I'm a bad person who does bad things.
I manipulate people into either staying with me or getting what I want, I make insensitive comments (even if I didn't mean it that way), I don't respect boundaries as much as I want to, I talk about how nobody loves me all the time even if there are people who do love me, I talk about sex and needless drama a lot (even when I'm not supposed to), I'm mean to people when I'm angry, I ignore people on purpose if I find them "boring", HELL, I even use to emotionally abuse my (now ex) boyfriend and then call him the abuser when he tried to speak up about it, knowing damn well that this was damaging his well-being (and I wish i never did fyi, the guilt from the abuse I had done haunts me to this day and I feel like neither me or him can recover from that).
Not to mention that I am an egotistical attention seeker and I like to exploit my own mental health struggles for clout online (and making them worse in the process), sometimes even going as far as over-exaggerating it just so people can give me attention.
I am a major fucking red flag, but for some dumbass reason, people just love to throw on the rose-colored glasses and not only ignore those red flags, but instead blame the victims for what happened and tell me that I am a good person regardless, even though they know the truth about me.
It pisses me off how nobody even understands that I will hurt them, and I have flaws that will affect them, and it also pisses me off how people want to blame the people being hurt by my actions. HELL, EVEN MY THERAPIST IS TELLING ME THIS IS OKAY, WHEN IT'S NOT!
And the fucked up part?
I was doomed to be like this from the start.
I can't change myself because of the fact that a lot of my behavior stems from both my mental illness/disability and the environment I had to grow up in, and also I can't handle criticism for shit. Anytime someone calls me out for my shitty behavior, I tell them that they're a piece of shit and then block them before going on a rant about about how "oh, i'm so misunderstood and I'm trying to be good! please pity me and feed my praise kink for me!!! :(" and then continue to do the shitty behavior in question with no consequences.
I know i'm repeating this a lot, but I am genuinely so upset how behavior like this is so normalized and encouraged. People are being harmed by my actions yet I'm being told it's okay for some reason. They don't even bother to try and address my flaws and hold me accountable for jack shit, and it makes me wonder how far they're willing to go just to defend my actions...
So overall, I'm just stuck in this limbo of being aware I'm a bad person yet never being held accountable for it, and it's basically driving me insane.
But at the same time, I'm terrified of abandonment, and if I lose the people I genuinely care about over this I'll just go into another crisis and threaten myself again, so I just force myself to take in the praise just to keep me alive.
I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could stop hurting people, it's killing me atp..
I'm not even gonna bother to use tone tags for this because it'll just sound like I'm making this a joke (fuck the people who misuse the /srs tone tag btw), feel free to interpret this however you want. I just needed to get this out of my system before it fucks me over again.
In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.
Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.
From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.
By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.
I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.
I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”
This pain is so real. I hate doing Edgenuity assignments in a linear order.
absolutely sick that i have to do these assignments in a linear order
I want to say yes, but I won't. I want to try again oh so desperately, just to feel you close once more. I want to believe that this time it will be different but I know it won't.
Nothing's changed, it's been 4 years since I felt you last and we are both exactly the same, so much so that I can play the conversation in advance, like a practiced dance.
But this time I won't falter, because I know better, because I know how 'trying it out' ends. And because I'm responsible.
God be damned for making me responsible, for making it so that I can't help but shoulder every burden, and put everything before my desires.
Because I so desperately want to be with you again
how could i forget? you play sick games on me in my sleep every night. my body goes through the motions of being terrified (i wake up to scratches all over me, and the inside of my mouth chewed to shreds). my mind is blank, no matter what fucked up things you do to me in my sleep.
i half wonder if this is the end. i'm doing better now. i don't want to say goodbye, but i don't know when i'll see you again. i wonder if you feel used. i sure do.
Vent Post: FRI. Sept. 13th, 2024
I figured today would be bad..
Rainbow is sick and probably close to dying, my mom is stressed and in a really bad mood which makes me very depressed because I hate the bad energy, and she'll take her anger out on me eventually.
The despairing feeling has been here 2 days now and I'm already depressed as f*ck, and it'll be like this for who knows how long.
I don't feel like doing anything, I have no one to talk to, everything sucks. I haven't been keeping track of how many times I've wanted to k*ll myself over the years, but I'll be doing it now.
Day 1 of suic1de ideation
Just finished Chapter 30 and I wanted to put my thoughts and feelings out there, so don't mind me
Again, this manga is making me cry a h h h
It hurts me just as much as the other characters while I read this cuz I've experienced the same things and I subconsciously relive those terrible memories along with them T^T Like, I have to limit how much I read before I start going mental
Why does love and maintaining a relationship have to be so complicated? All these different feelings and not knowing how to deal with them, it just sucks. Having a rough past and having it affect your current lifestyle so much.. Just- UGH, this manga is so real and I have a love-hate relationship with it right now
*sigh* I'm hoping things start looking up for the two as I continue reading, but with my luck, I wouldn't be surprised to see more of my life experiences on the pages. Please please please no one start harming themselves and the other is forced to just watch it unfold in front of them and there's nothing they can do to stop it. And then it gets to a point where the person harming themselves tries different ways to kill themselves and then they're in the hospital all hooked up to heart monitors and stuff cuz they went and tried to OD, making the other feel guilty and feel forced to do whatever in order to keep them from self-sabotaging their life further. PLEASE, I can't go through that again
Fuck everyone who thinks poly relationships are stupid or think the partners are all just "cheating" on each other.
Cause poly relationships are the best things I've ever seen and they just warm my heart😭😭😭
Doll.
doll grew up around a lot of things in life.
doll saw many things that their mother said to "forget about, it was in the past."
doll is afraid to get back into a vehicle because of their mother driving high behind the wheel. doll went mute for hours.
doll hasn't gotten into a vehicle since that time. doll has seen their mother do such things they wish they could forget.
dolls mother is a good one, regardless, but doll has so many things bottled up inside it's hard to talk about, in fear their mother will find out they spoke about it.
doll has friends, trustworthy ones they speak to, yet there's still fear that lingers in the back of their mind.
doll wishes to get therapy soon 𖹭 and they will.
What To Do If You Catch Me Venting In A Conversation:
- liSTEN.
- Try to calm me down.
- DO NOT say that my emotions/things I am talking about are invalid.
- Put yourself in my shoes and try to see it from my perspective.
- Don't. Leave.
- Try and understand.
* I'll probably tell you sorry the next day or so if I find I'm overreacting. I'll probs just say I'm sorry in general.
I watched the muchova-osaka match and heard Chrissie's commentary on muchova's playing style and in my opinion while I understand the sentiment she was going for her delivery was suspect at best. We still live in a world where "you hit like a girl", "you play like a girl" are still widely used in the English lexicon making statements like Chrissie's very harmful as it reinforces the stereotype that women can't have an aggressive playing style with awesome volleys and out of this world net play. It is rhetoric like this that is also used to demonise players of colour with wrongfully empowered sports journalists making caricatures of female players of color. I'm so glad that it was addressed so quickly by Ons and it honestly makes me love her even more as she is a shining example of what Chrissie would describe as playing like a man, I rarely see female players hit tweeners and Ons became that representation that I so desperately needed, Aryna is also another example seeing her practice tweeners inspired me and that's what the game is all about. Creating innovative new ways to play the game so I implore the tennis community to continue to shun such verbiage and for the commentators to be more mindful of how they phrase their comments.
