Red

Red

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Prompt - ‘Moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head in burning red.’

Notes - Smut

Loving Sirius Black was intense for lack of a better word. From the get go everything seemed to move fast but you were so caught up, so intoxicated by it that you couldn’t do anything more than hold his hand as the whirlwind romance began. Loving Sirius Black was passionate, it was needy and it was over just as quickly as it had begun.

You had liked Sirius for months now, it was easy to like him. He was charming, charismatic, one flash of that smile had you weak in the knees - you and every other girl at Hogwarts. Sirius wasn’t an idiot, he knew the effect he had on the girls and nobody was surprised when he had a new girl on his arm every week.

You had never been one of those girls and even though you knew it was terrible to want to be, you couldn't deny that given the chance you would be his girl of the week. This week it was a girl in your year, you didn’t particularly like her but seeing her on Sirius’ lap made you roll your eyes as you passed them, neither of them noticing you as they made out on the bench they were on.

“Party at Gryffindor tower tonight, you in?” Your friend asked you as you rounded the corner.

The thought of saying no crossed your mind, not wanting to spend the night obsessing over Sirius but something within you was nagging you to go.

“Sure.” You agreed, watching as your friend grinned at you and began talking about outfits.

You tuned her out all the way to potions and spent the rest of the lesson trying to push Sirius out of your mind.

By the time the party rolled around you were ready to cancel but somehow your friends ended up pushing you into going. As you entered the common room you couldn’t help but relax as the music and laughter washed over you.

“Let’s get a drink.” Someone from your group said and it wasn’t long before one drink turned into four and you were feeling the full effect of the alcohol coursing through your veins.

You found yourself in the middle of the common room which was being used as a dance floor, letting the music guide your movements. You weren’t sure just how much time had passed before you felt an arm slip around your waist and a warm body pressing up against your back.

“Having fun?” You recognised Sirius’ voice straight away, his tone deep and low as he pulled you further against him, dancing rhythmically against you. You felt goosebumps rise on your skin as his lips pressed against your neck in a gentle kiss.

You couldn’t help but turn your head upwards, giving him better access. You could feel him smirk against you before he obliged and began pressing kisses into your skin, you bit your lip before gasping as you felt him suck on the delicate skin. He kept sucking and let his arms that were still wrapped around your waist explore your body, one trailed upwards, brushing over your breast and the other went downwards, resting on the top of your thigh.

The feeling of him sucking on your neck was more intense than you would have ever thought, that mixed with his hands on your body had you letting out an involuntary whimper. You were more than aware that you were still in the middle of the common room but you couldn’t bring yourself to care, not when Sirius Black was pressed up behind you, finally noticing you.

You let out another whimper as Sirius let his teeth graze against the spot he’d been sucking before pulling away, not going far, and whispered in your ear.

“How about we head upstairs?” You couldn’t have said no even if you wanted to, something about him was addicting and now that you’d had a taste you didn’t think you’d ever be able to let him go.

At your nod he pressed another kiss to your neck before pulling away and guiding you up the stairs. You had no idea how the stairs let you into the boys dorm but the thought left your mind as soon as it had entered.

Once you were in the boys dorm and the door was shut, Sirius pinned you against it, wasting no time in crashing his lips against yours, the kiss was raw, it was desperate and needy. Your hands were finally tangled in his long hair as his hands gripped your face and you couldn’t help but moan into the kiss.

Sirius pulled away from you, a trail of spit keeping the two of you attached to each other before his lips connected with your neck again. Your head hit the wooden door behind you as you threw it back, moaning in pleasure as he wasted no time sucking at different spots on your neck.

Your cheeks were flushed as Sirius finished up on your neck, trailing open mouthed kisses down your neck, along your collarbone before stopping at the top of your shirt. His fingers found the hem and he was quick to pull it over your head, leaving you standing in your bra.

You watched him lick his lips before he helped you take the bra off, his mouth going straight for your breast. He took one in his mouth, as his hand came up to knead the other. You moaned at the stimulation, your hands coming up to grip his hair as he showed no signs of slowing down, though you did feel him smirk against you.

When Sirius pulled away you had no time to recover as his lips found yours again. As he kissed you hard, hard enough to bruise, he pulled you away from the door and, without pulling away, blindly led you over to his bed.

It wasn’t long before you were underneath him, Sirius in between your legs as he continued to kiss you. It was rushed and animalistic and you couldn’t get enough. You pushed your hips up, letting yourself brush against his dick causing you both to moan into the kiss.

Sirius took the hint and pulled away, his hands trailing down your stomach and stopping at the top of your jeans. He made quick work of unbuttoning them and helped pull them down before throwing them off to the side of the room.

With the adrenaline and alcohol pumping through your system you had no time to feel self conscious, though you did pull his shirt off of him as you saw he was still fully clothed and you were laying there in your panties that were already beginning to get wet.

Sirius was quick to strip out of his own clothes before turning his attention back to you, pressing his lips against yours again. He let his hands trail down, brushing against your panties and smirking as he felt the wetness through them.

“Feel good, baby?” He asked, nipping at your jawline. You couldn’t reply, just let out a loud, needy moan as his fingers gently stroked you through your underwear.

Sirius wasted no time in lowering himself so his face was between your legs. He pressed a kiss against your thigh before hooking his fingers around your panties, pulling them off and tossing them out into the room.

You were a moaning mess as Sirius attached his lips to your clit, his fingers still brushing against you as he sucked and licked you. His fingers kept teasing your entrance, pushing in gently before he withdrew them causing you to let out loud groans of both pleasure and annoyance.

Without warning two fingers pushed into you causing you to arch against the bed, you felt Sirius chuckle around you causing you to moan louder as the chuckle vibrated against your clit. You were panting as he pumped his fingers inside you, his pace quickening each time. One of your hands was in his hair, fingers clutching the dark curls, holding him in place whilst the other gripped the bedsheet tightly.

“Sirius, Sirius please,” You cried out, the feeling of both his fingers and his mouth becoming too much.

Sirius pulled away and leaned up to connect his lips to yours, both of you moaning into it. The kiss was filthy, you could taste yourself on his tongue as you both messily kissed each other.

Before you could even register it Sirius was lining himself up against you and sliding in causing you to whimper in pleasure, your eyes screwing shut as Sirius sucked on your neck. Your arms were wrapped around his shoulders, fingernails digging into his back.

Once he was in and made sure you were ok, Sirius wasted no time. His rhythm was unrelentingly hard and fast, a fine line between pain and pleasure had you a moaning mess, Sirius’ name falling out of your mouth like a prayer as you pleaded for more.

Sirius was moaning against your neck, face buried against it as he thrusted into you. You were incoherent at this point, the only name on your lips was Sirius’ and it wasn’t long before you were pleading with him, begging him to let you come.

“That’s it baby,” He murmured against your neck, letting his teeth graze across the sensitive skin, “you feel so good, come for me, baby.” He continued, praising you as he fucked you fast and hard.

It wasn’t long before you were clenching around Sirius causing him to let out a low moan. You cried out as you orgasmed and Sirius wasn’t found behind as he came inside you with a moan of his own.

The two of you lay there for a moment, the air hot and heavy as the two of you panted for breath. Sirius was the first to move, pulling out of you carefully and picking his wand up from the nightstand. He made quick work of cleaning the two of you up and then collapsed down beside you in the bed, pulling you into his arms so your head lay on his chest.

“You okay baby?” He whispered as he pressed a kiss to your hair.

You were still slightly out of it, everything about tonight felt wild and passionate and overwhelming so you just nodded against him and let your arm rest against his stomach.

Sirius smiled down at you, letting his fingers trace your skin.

“Go to sleep, Y/N.” He murmured, smile growing as you nodded sleepily against his chest.

It wasn’t long before you fell asleep in Sirius’ arms.

You were the first to wake, the curtains around the bed had been drawn and you assumed the other boys were back in the room. You didn’t want to get up yet, didn’t want to leave Sirius’ embrace, the feeling of his arms around your waist, holding you close…it was easy to pretend this was real.

You let your fingers gently trace his chest, touching him like this made you realise that this was what you wanted. You wanted Sirius Black and you didn’t know how you were going to give him up after one night with him. This one night with him was perfect, it felt like the colours in autumn, so bright, so beautiful, but you could see the end too, when the autumn leaves died and fell, that was what was destined to happen here - one incredibly great night and then whatever was between you and Sirius was supposed to shrivel up and die.

Except that’s not what happened…

That morning Sirius woke up, his arms still holding you close. He brought you in for a soft kiss and the two of you spent the morning in his bed, lazily kissing and giggling as he told you stories of pranks and mischief and you told him stories about yourself.

From there the two of you headed down to the Great Hall, Sirius’ arm thrown around your shoulders and holding you close. During the meal he kept up the conversation, not bothering with anyone else around you.

You figured that it was finally your chance to be the girl of the week, not just a one night stand but someone for Sirius to keep around before he got bored. And you shouldn’t have been ok with that, you knew you deserved more than that, but spending time with Sirius was worth it.

So when week two came and Sirius slid into the seat next to you for breakfast, wrapping his arm around you and kissing your lips, you could only look at him in confusion.

“What?” He grinned as he plucked a piece of fruit from your plate.

“What’re you doing here?” You asked him, eyebrows knitting together in your confusion.

“Ouch and here I was thinking you liked me.” He said, dramatically holding a hand to his chest causing your friends to laugh.

You didn’t respond, you didn’t know how to respond. Sirius Black had never been with the same girl for longer than a week, it was common knowledge.

So why was he back?

“What’re you doing this weekend?” He asked you as you packed up your things to head to class. His hand slipped into yours as you both headed towards the stairs.

“Nothing?” You told him, though it sounded more like a question.

“Let me take you out, we can go to Hogsmeade.” He said, smiling over at you with that charming Sirius Black smile.

How could you say no to that?

-

At the four month mark you were still confused about why Sirius was with you, down right nearly died of shock when he asked to make things official one night as he snuck the two of you to the astronomy tower, talking about the different stars and constellations.

Four months in and you had fallen hard. It wasn’t difficult considering how much you had liked him before getting together but being around him everyday, getting to kiss him whenever you wanted, knowing that he was yours…it wasn’t hard to fall in love.

You had him memorized, you knew him as well as you knew the words to your old favourite song. When you touched him, you knew he was what you wanted and somehow he wanted you too.

You hadn’t realised just how hard you had fallen for him until your first fight. It was about something ridiculous and ended with the two of you storming away from each other. It was after hours and Sirius had headed up to the dorm whereas you had snuck out and found yourself sitting at the edge of the astronomy tower, legs dangling over as you looked up at the starry night.

Sirius came to find you that night, apologising. You had brushed it off, made it seem like it was no big deal just so things could be ok again between you but deep down you knew that that wasn’t right. The fight was intense but everything about your relationship with Sirius was intense so why shouldn’t that be too.

-

You shouldn’t have been surprised.

You knew he had a reputation, knew what he was like before you had gotten together. You knew he had a different girl every week. How could you think you could change that about him?

Watching him as he pressed some Ravenclaw against the wall, kissing her like he needed it to survive…

You hated the scene in front of you but you couldn’t look away. It was only when the Ravenclaw opened her eyes, seeing you stood there, that Sirius acknowledged you. The Ravenclaw pushed him off her, a look of embarrassment taking over her face as she quickly readjusted herself and picked her bag up before hurrying past you with an apology.

You didn’t hang around to hear what Sirius had to say. You turned on your heel and followed the other girl out, ignoring the pleas from Sirius as he begged you to hear him out.

You ended up in a dusty, old classroom. It looked like it hadn’t been used in a good few years…or decades. You didn’t care though, the state of the room was the last thing on your mind as you let the door fall shut and your back slid down it until you were sat on the floor with tears falling down your face.

You knew, deep down you knew that it was for the best, knew that you and Sirius could never have worked out but that didn’t make it hurt any less. The relationship was too much, loving him was too much. It was all too much, too fast. Every moment spent together was too intense.

You didn’t know how you were supposed to move on from him though because despite how intense things were between you, you really did love him and moving on from him seemed impossible when all you could see in your head was him.

As you sat on the dusty floor with tears falling down your face, flashbacks and echoes of him invading your mind, you couldn’t help but feel all alone. You knew you’d be ok eventually but right now everything felt blue, it felt lonely and sad and you felt like a complete idiot for thinking that he could change, for thinking that you were worth enough to him to change when really all you were to him was some pretty little plaything and he had finally gotten bored of you.

You had been so focused on the good moments between you this entire relationship, the affection, the infatuation, the warmth, that you ignored the other side of the relationship - the anger, the jealousy, the miscommunication, those horrible aspects you’d blocked out hit you full force.

Merlin, you were such an idiot.

Loving Sirius Black was intense for lack of a better word. From the get go everything seemed to move fast but you were so caught up, so intoxicated by it that you couldn’t do anything more than hold his hand as the whirlwind romance began. Loving Sirius Black was passionate, it was needy and it was over just as quickly as it had begun but in time you knew you’d be ok.

________________________

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Harry Potter Masterlist

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- Sucker for you

- The Happily Ever After

- Idiot

- Everything Has Changed

- All Too Well

- In Another Life

- Holding On & Letting Go

- Mine

- Tell Me Your Secrets

- Wolf and All

- Red

- Midnight Rain

- The Weight of the World

- Making the Change From Friends to Lovers

- I Thought I’d Lost You

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

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Prompt - ‘So he calls me up and he's like "I still love you".’

Your relationship with Bucky Barnes could be described with many words - messy and toxic were the two most common descriptors. People never knew if you were together or not, your relationship status changing too fast for anybody to keep up. The two of you were as bad as each other and yet you always found your way back to one another no matter how much time had passed.

Despite it being a bad relationship there were some good parts and those were the memories you held close, the memories that kept sending you back to him. You remembered sitting in the movie theatre with Bucky, his arm wrapped around your shoulders pulling you in close as you introduced him to the movies he’d missed out on, whispered words and shared kisses as the movie played on screen. You remembered Bucky’s face as the two of you walked around science museums, Bucky marvelling at the technological advancements. You remembered dancing around the kitchen, the glow of the refrigerator door that had been left open the only source of light in the early morning hours, soft 40s music playing from the record player.

You remembered nights spent up all night worrying about him until you could no longer fight sleep and the absolute joy you felt when you woke up to see him laying next to you. You remembered him waking up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting whilst tears fell from his eyes as new memories from HYDRA resurfaced, you remembered holding him in your arms with his head on your chest, talking for hours until he was able to see past the blur of the Winter Soldier.

There were so many good things to remember that you just wished that it could be like that all the time, you wanted so badly for the fights, the arguments, the screaming to just stop.

But you and Bucky were able to rub each other the wrong way. Nobody made you feel how Bucky Barnes made you feel, never had you felt so happy in your life and never had you felt the need to punch somebody in the face so badly.

“This is it,” You exclaimed, mid argument. You couldn’t even remember what had started this fight, only knew that the two of you were stood in your apartment screaming at each other. “I’ve had enough, just get out!” You said whilst marching to the front door, pulling it open harshly and gesturing for him to leave.

You hadn’t seen him for about a month, he had been on a mission for two weeks and then when he had gotten back he shot you a single text telling you he needed space. Today he finally showed up at your door and things were fine for the first hour but fast as lightening the mood changed.

It always did.

“C’mon doll,” Bucky began but you shook your head, cutting him off.

“Out now.” You said through gritted teeth, watching him roll his eyes but he thankfully did as you said and you took great satisfaction in slamming the door right in his face.

It had been a few weeks since that argument and you hadn’t heard from Bucky since. You were at home when you heard a knock on your door, eyebrows knitting together in confusion as you weren’t expecting anybody.

“Hi baby,” Bucky greeted when you opened the door.

You positioned yourself so you were leaning against the door frame, not quite ready to let him into your apartment yet. You didn’t respond, just raised an eyebrow at him and waited to see what he had to say.

“Listen,” He sighed, “I really miss you and m’sorry for picking a fight with you last time I was here. I won’t do that again, promise.”

With a sigh of your own you nodded your head, letting Bucky slip into your apartment. You knew you were foolish to believe that you and him could work out but there were so many good things that you wanted to hold onto.

However when morning came and it saw the two of you arguing with each other again you knew you were done.

It was like all the fight had suddenly left you, it had left you feeling drained. The constant cycle of arguing, breaking up, Bucky calling you with an apology and love confession, you letting him back in and then starting all over again. It wasn’t worth it anymore, you couldn’t do it.

You sat at the kitchen table listening to Bucky go off. You usually gave as good back as he give but now you were over it. You just wanted him to leave, you wanted to be done with Bucky Barnes and the stress that came with him. This wasn’t a relationship, though it pained you to admit it.

“Say something!” Bucky snapped at you, finally noticing your quietness.

“I’m done, Buck,” you told him softly, not having anything left to give, “I love you, I really do, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m done and I mean it this time, we are never ever getting back together.”

You meant everything you said and it was like Bucky could tell you meant it too as you watched the anger fall from his face. You watched his face as it softened, eyes wide and pleading as he looked down at you, not expecting you to say that.

“No, c’mon doll, don’t do this. I’m sorry, ok, really I am. It’s just that mission was bad and I took it out on you. It won’t happen again, I’m sorry baby.” He pleaded but you just shook your head, eyes filling with tears.

You knew it was the right thing to do but saying goodbye to Bucky for good was so hard.

“You always promise that, you promised it last night and it lasted for a day. I can’t keep having these fights, I can’t keep falling for the bait and screaming at you that I’m right. I can’t keep going with this constant cycle of I hate you, I love you. I’ll always be here for you, you can talk to me whenever, talk to my friends whenever, but we, we’re done Bucky.” You told him and stood up, making your way over to the door.

As you held it open for him you couldn’t help but think back to just how many times you had kicked the man out of your apartment. This was the last time you’d do it, you swore to yourself.

Bucky followed you, his own eyes wet with tears as he cupped your face. You let him brush your tears away and didn’t pull away as he leaned down, softly connecting your lips together. You kissed him back just as gently, tears running down both your faces.

Bucky was the first to pull away, resting his forehead against yours.

“Please don’t do this, baby.” He whispered and you had to take a breath to stop yourself from crying even more.

You placed your hands on his chest, letting them rest there for a moment before pushing him away and turning your head. If Bucky didn’t leave now you knew you’d end up back in that toxic cycle.

“I love you but you need to leave.” You told him, voice barely above a whisper. Bucky went to talk but you shook your head, stopping him before he could.  “Please.”

Bucky nodded, choking back words that he knew wouldn’t win you over this time. Usually a well placed apology and a promise to do better was all it took be he could see this time was different. This time he knew he really had to work to get you back.

“I love you too.” He told you quietly as he stepped out of the door, watching as you nodded before closing the door with a soft click. Somehow that hurt more than all the times you had slammed it in his face.

You let your back hit the door, tears falling down your faces as sobs finally left you. At some point you ended up sitting on the floor, tears long since dried on your cheeks and struggling for breath.

You really had meant it this time when you said you weren’t getting back with him. It’d be hard not to fall back into that old familiar cycle but you knew you couldn’t do it anymore.

Weeks passed and Bucky gave you the space you needed, never once showing up at your door uninvited, no texts or calls. He asked your friends how you were and forced a smile as they said you were doing well.

You talked to his friends about him, despite not being with him you wanted to make sure he was ok. Neither of your friends believed this was the end, how could they when you’d broken up and gotten back together more times than anybody could count.

Hell, even Bucky still believed the two of you were getting back together.

That’s why he called you after three months of radio silence, he was so ready to have you back. Usually when the two of you broke up you were back with each other fairly quickly and always at least texted one another.

You watched your phone light up, Bucky’s smile filling the screen. There was that old familiar feeling in the pit of your stomach that always came when he called after so long but you were determined not to fall back into old habits no matter how easy it would be.

It was only with slight hesitation that you answered the phone just before it went to voicemail, willing your voice to stay steady.

“Hi Bucky.” You said into the phone, curling up on the sofa and fiddling with the ends of your shirt.

“Hey baby,” He replied, a smile clear in his voice. “I miss you.”

You bit your lip as the sound of his voice flooded over you, the soft confession making your heart ache.

“I’ve missed you too.” You finally told him honestly.

There was a brief pause of silence before Bucky spoke again.

“How’ve you been?”

“Good,” you said, slightly surprised at how much you meant it. You had been doing good lately, spending more time with your friends, smiling and laughing and not constantly waiting for the next fight. It had been the most stress free three months of your life since you’d started dating Bucky. “Really good.”

“I’m glad to hear it, sweetheart.” Bucky smiled into the phone, “I just wanted to call, wanted to hear your voice. I want to see you again, doll.”

If he had called two months ago with those words falling from his lips you knew you would have given into everything, you knew you would have opened your door to him and started the toxic routine again. Two months ago you were still heartbroken over actually ending things with the man, spending most nights more often than not crying yourself to sleep or partying too much with your friends.

Two months in you had finally started to realise just how good it was to not have Bucky around, not wondering if you would be lovers or enemies that day.

Three months in and you were finally in a place where you didn’t need Bucky. Sure you missed him, missed the good moments, but now you could really see just how damaging that relationship had been on the both of you.

“I love you,” He told you when you didn’t say anything.

Those words usually won you right over, Bucky knew that, but now they were the worst words he could have said. It was like those words had doused you in cold water and you were pulled from your memories.

“Bucky,” You said, thankful your voice was even, “I meant what I said the last time I saw you, we are done, we are never getting back together. It’s exhausting being with each other, you know that. It isn’t fair or healthy for either of us. I love you, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop but being with you is draining.”

Bucky was silent, he had no words. He for sure thought that after a little time apart you’d be ready to welcome him back into your life, ready to try again with him. He’d meant what he said when he said he loved you, despite the fighting and the crying and everything in between, despite the spiteful words and thrown pillows, he loved you.

Why wasn’t that enough?

“Don’t do this, Y/N/N,” he pleaded with you, “Don’t throw us away like this.”

You shook your head, hating that you felt like the bad guy here as tears filled your eyes. This, this is why you couldn’t be with Bucky. You hated feeling like this and the only person who brought out this side of you was Bucky.

“I have to,” You choked out, cursing yourself for showing how much he was affecting you, “Goodbye Bucky.”

And with that you hung up the phone, letting yourself cry one last time over Bucky Barnes.

__________

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I Almost Do

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Prompt - ‘I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.’

It had been an exhaustingly long case, both you and Derek being forced to act like nothing was wrong between you when in reality being around the man made you want to cry.

Things had been great between you, together for over a year, moved in with one another, things had been great. You couldn’t even pinpoint when things had started going bad, you just remembered that the two of you were arguing more, you remembered that in the last few months you’d spent more time in the guest bedroom than you did in your own.

The tension between the two of you eventually seeped into your work life and Hotch had taken to keeping the two of you as far away from each other as he could whereas he usually paired you with each other for most assignments, knowing how well the two of you worked together.

Derek was the one to finally put an end to the relationship after months of fighting, months of faking smiles and telling everyone things were fine, everyone had rough patches, after months of sleeping alone and days without talking to one another.

“We can’t do this anymore Y/N,” He had snapped one day, the two of you were arguing in the kitchen. Hateful words thrown at each other in the heat of the moment. Derek sighed before softening his voice and repeating, “We can’t do this anymore.”

You blinked against the tears, you knew he was right but it didn’t mean you wanted it to end. All you wanted was for the fighting to stop, you didn’t even know what you were fighting over anymore. You’d never fallen out of love with Derek, you still loved him more than anything but ultimately you knew he was right.

“I know,” You replied, voice just as soft as his.

You watched his face fall, your expression mirroring his as you both came to terms with the fact your relationship was just over.

Derek took a step closer to you, lifting his hand to cup your face, giving you plenty of time to pull away before he dipped his head down and let his mouth connect with yours.

It was then you let the tears fall, the saltiness could be tasted on both your lips as he kissed you softly, trying not to let his own tears fall.

When he pulled away he rested his forehead on yours, looking at your face he couldn’t help but let a single tear fall as he brushed yours away.

“I love you baby.” He whispered, causing you to scrunch your nose up as you tried desperately to stop more tears from coming.

“I love you too,” You told him, nodding slightly as you did.

From then on everything became tense. You and Derek didn’t know how to act around each other. Hotch continued to keep you separate and the two of you avoided each other as best you could and you did quite a good job considering the close quarters you worked in.

Emily hadn’t hesitated to offer you her spare bedroom as you looked for your own apartment and she watched as you fell apart after rough cases, the only thing that could help was the one person you couldn’t have.

Sometimes Derek reached out, a phone call or a text, but you never replied. As much as you loved him, and you did love him more than words could say, you couldn’t say hello to him again and risk another goodbye. You knew he probably hadn’t even considered that but the first breakup was so painful, you couldn’t go through it again.

Tonight though it took everything in you not to call him. Tonight you just wanted to be with him, his arms secure around your waist, holding you tightly, his touch grounding you. You wanted him to kiss your forehead and whisper sweet nothings that always made you feel better.

But you didn’t call or text him. You didn’t get in your car and drive to the place you once called home. There were so many times where you had nearly given in, nearly gone to him, almost done it, but you resisted.

The thought of having him back just to lose him again was far too painful.

You knew in some ways that it was probably for the best the two of you had parted ways before you ruined everything with each other forever. At least calling it quits when you did meant there may have been a possibility, somewhere down the line, there was a chance you could reconnect, be friends again, be in the same room without any tension.

It had been an exhaustingly long case, both you and Derek being forced to act like nothing was wrong between you when in reality being around the man made you want to cry. You bet at this time of night that Derek was still up, just as tired as you after a long, hard week. You bet he was sitting in that chair by the window, looking out at the view, in the seat that you had both once occupied, you in his lap with his arms holding you securely.

You hoped he was thinking about you as much as you were thinking about him, you hoped he missed you as much as you missed him. You hoped one day that the two of you would be ready to find each other again and this time not let each other go.

______________

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Prompt - ‘But you're in London and I break down 'cause it's not fair that you're not around.’

You and Emily had never gotten along. From the day you walked into the BAU there was tension between the two of you though you hadn’t known why. As you settled into the job, becoming more comfortable around the team, your relationship with Emily became more tense as the months passed.

Nobody knew why you didn’t get along but it was common practice now for Hotch to make sure you didn’t get paired together on cases as more than one argument had occurred that meant neither of you were doing work.

Rossi had tried to get it out of you repeatedly, tried talking to you about Emily and what history you had but there was no history, before the BAU you hadn’t even heard of her. You didn’t know why she hated you or why you couldn’t stand to be around her, all you knew was that nobody knew how to push your buttons more than Emily Prentiss.

The tension between you and Emily was intense, both of you overly passionate in your arguments and that’s why it didn’t shock you the first time you fell into bed with each other. Rossi had always told you that with tension like that he was surprised that there were no underlying romantic feelings. You’d always scoffed when he said that but some part of you knew he was right, not about the romantic feelings of course but the way you and Emily got way too heated when you fought, it was only a matter of time before you turned that energy to something else.

In your defence, it had been a bad case. The unsub had been killing women that resembled you so naturally you offered to go undercover. Hotch readily agreed, there was nobody better at undercover work than you, the Undercover and Sensitive Operations Unit had been trying to poach you from the BAU for years but you turned them down every time despite loving undercover work.

It should’ve been easy but when was anything that involved the BAU easy?

They got you set up in a ground floor apartment and for the next few days you played your part as a regular citizen, going to the unsubs hunting ground in hopes of catching his attention. On the fourth day, however, another woman’s body had been found and the team had to respond to that.

You figured you hadn’t caught the unsub’s attention yet and so your guard was down but after disposing of the woman’s body, the unsub found his way to you. Nobody had profiled him to be stealthy, everything about him profiled as reckless, so when he was able to sneak up behind you and knock you out…well, the team had to refigure the profile before it was too late.

Thankfully the team managed to track you down before the unsub could really start his work, so after a few stitches in the back of the ambulance and pleading with Hotch not to send you to the hospital, you were on your way back to the hotel with the team and staying the night as it was too late to call the jet.

“You sure you’re alright, kid?” Rossi asked you from the front seat. You were sitting in the back between Derek and Spencer.

“I’m fine, Rossi, I promise.” You insisted, rolling your eyes as he shot you a look through the mirror.

It wasn’t long before you were pulling up to the hotel, the others pulling up just behind you.

“You’re rooming with Prentiss.” Hotch told you as he held a room key out towards you, bracing himself for the argument that he had no doubt was coming.

“Excuse me?” You said as the other joined you.

“Y/N,” Hotch began but you cut him off.

“Seriously, I just got kidnapped and nearly tortured and now you’re telling me I have to room with her.” You said, gesturing towards Emily with your chin before glaring up at Hotch.

“It’s one night, Y/N, and it’s already late. Just go to bed and get some sleep.” He told you as he slipped the key into your hand and walked away leaving you glaring at his back.

“Goodnight kid.” Rossi smirked whilst patting you on the back.

“I hate you all.” You grumbled before following him into the hotel missing Emily’s eye roll.

You couldn’t even remember how it happened. One minute you had been arguing with Emily and the next the two of you were frantically kissing each other, hands everywhere exploring each other's bodies, clothes were pulled off quickly and the two of you ended up sleeping with each other.

When morning came the two of you refused to acknowledge what had happened. You pushed yourself out of bed first and headed for the shower and by the time you had come out Emily and her bags were gone. You found a text from Spencer saying everyone was meeting downstairs to head to the jet and quickly packed your things away before heading down to the lobby.

The arguments hadn’t died down between you and Emily, though for the first few days after sleeping with her you avoided each other more. It would be months before you would sleep with her again but after the second time it became a regular occurrence. Anytime either of you needed to relieve some stress or if a case became too much, you found yourselves in each other's bed, never talking about it in the mornings but always knowing the offer was there.

Everything was going great until Emily had to go and talk about it.

-

“Are we seriously just never going to talk about this?” She asked one night.

You were at her apartment, not long back from California. It only took one glance at Emily, one nod from her, before you were climbing into her car and into her bed.

“What?” You asked, half asleep and not expecting her to strike up a conversation.

“Are we not going to talk about us?” She asked again and this time you pushed yourself up onto one elbow to look at her.

Emily had to hide a smile as you looked at her through sleepy eyes. Sometimes when you came to her, she knew it wasn’t about a case, no matter what you said, sometimes she could tell that you just needed to sleep but there was too much going on in your mind. Sex had always been a sure fire way to make sure you slept.

“Us?” You asked, feeling too tired for this conversation.

Why was she talking about ‘us’? There wasn’t an ‘us’, she hated you, she had from the minute you stepped into the BAU so why on Earth was she talking about ‘us’?

“Come on, are you really going to sit there and say you still hate me?” She asked, raising a brow at you. “We’ve been sleeping together for months now, Y/N.”

She was right, it was probably near on a year since your undercover case when you first slept together. What confused you though was the fact she said you hated her, you had never claimed to hate Emily, only mirrored her attitude towards you.

“You’re the one who hates me.” You grumbled, instead of answering, causing her to roll her eyes.

“I don’t hate you, Y/L/N,” she said like you were an idiot, “sure I argue with you but you’re the one who started this.”

“What are you talking about?” You asked, sitting up now and glaring down at her. “You’ve had it out for me since the day I started working at the BAU.”

“What are you talking about?” She asked right back. “I didn’t have it out for you. I was excited to get a new team member and you were nothing but cold towards me.”

“You’re kidding right? First day I was there all you did was posture and glare at me!” You snapped and began to make a move to get out of bed.

“Wow, ok, just wait, ok?” Emily said as she put a hand on your forearm, stopping you in your tracks. “Listen, I think, maybe, we might have gotten lost somewhere. This isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go, ok?”

You didn’t reply, instead you shook her hand off of your arm and crossed them over your chest. You didn’t make a move to leave though so Emily continued.

“I just wanted to know what this is between us, ok? You say this is just sex, fine it’s just sex but if you want something more…” She said, trailing off.

Your eyes went wide at her words. You could honestly say you hadn’t considered anything more with Emily, not thinking that there would ever be a possibility of more. Hell, half the reason for your fiery arguments was because you were jealous of how she acted with everyone else, she treated everyone else like she liked them and then when she turned to you it was like she was a different person.

“You’d want something more?” You asked, avoiding giving an answer causing her to smile.

“This isn’t about me.” She said, reaching over hesitantly and placing her hand on your knee.

“It’s as much about me as it is about you.” You shot back causing her to roll her eyes.

“Fine,” she relented, not wanting to start an argument. It would be so easy for you to argue with her now, your go to deflection when it came to each other was to argue, pointing your weapons at the others deepest hurt. “Yes, I’ll admit that lately I’ve been thinking about something more with you.” She confessed, her voice steady and confident…more confident than you felt right now.

With Emily you knew where you stood, you were meant to not like each other, you were meant to argue and fight but now she was completely rewriting the narrative and you felt out of place. Thoughts of what could be crossed your mind and you had to say you didn’t hate what you saw.

“How would we even work? I mean, I don’t think we’ve had a single conversation where we haven’t argued.” You said and Emily watched a small smile pull on your lips.

“We’re not arguing now.” She told you, causing you to roll your eyes but the smile stayed so she figured she was on the right track. “You don’t have to say anything now.” She told you softly.

You shook your head.

Giving it a try couldn’t hurt…right?

“You get one date to impress me, Prentiss.” You said seriously causing her to let out a laugh of disbelief before she pulled you back down onto the bed and wrapped the blanket around you.

“You really are something, Y/N.” She said, causing you to smile into her chest before the two of you finally fell asleep.

-

Emily had impressed you and it wasn’t long before you were falling for her hard. You told yourself you wouldn’t get attached but it was hard when Emily was so amazing.

The arguments didn’t stop at work but they became lighter, you stopped aiming for each other's biggest weakness and instead poked fun at each other, the arguments turning into bickering.

The team had raised their eyebrows but everyone was too thankful that the arguments had stopped to bring it up, deciding that it was best to let the two of you work things out and bring it up to them. Though that didn’t stop Derek poking fun at Emily and Rossi at you.

The two of you began getting paired up together on assignments, working in harmony together causing Hotch to shake his head at the pair of you. How many times had the man told you both how well you’d get on if you just gave the other a chance? He’d lost count but surprise, surprise the man was right.

Everything was going great. You and Emily were spending most of your free time together, she took you out to dinners, movie dates, she took you to gallery exhibits and you made sure to return the favour. Though all the going out dates were amazing, the two of you were partial to staying home, cuddling on the sofa with a glass of wine and something forgotten playing on the TV as the two of you focused on nothing but each other.

Really, should you have been surprised when it came to a crashing halt?

You were all gathered at Rossi’s for JJ’s surprise wedding and you were outside with Spencer but excused yourself to go and grab a drink from inside. Just as you were about to round the corner you paused as you heard Hotch ask:

“How are you?” You heard Emily let out a sharp exhale causing Hotch to speak again, “That bad? He asked.

“What?” You heard Emily ask in confusion, causing you to smile.

“That’s your tell,” he told her and the two of them continued on like that for a moment before Hotch drew the conversation back to the original topic.

You stayed hidden, not liking the fact that you were eavesdropping but you had noticed something had been off with Emily, it had been ever since she had come back to the team but then the two of you got together and things went back to normal. However, in recent days she had been acting nervous but shrugged it off everytime you asked.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hotch asked and you leaned closer, awaiting her response.

“Absolutely,” she said after a moment of silence, “but not now.”

“First thing tomorrow?” Hotch replied.

“It’s a date.” Emily assured him and you were quick to move when you heard footsteps.

Once Hotch had passed, making his way over to Beth, you rounded the corner and saw Emily stood alone with her drink.

“A date, huh, should I be worried?” You asked with a forced smile. Emily looked at you in surprise before smiling at you.

“Of Hotch?” She asked before shaking her head, “I wouldn’t be.”

Though she was smiling at you, you could tell her thoughts were somewhere else.

“Are you sure everything’s ok?” You asked, watching as she stayed silent before nodding.

“I’m sure.” She said before taking your hand in hers and leading you outside.

It was a beautiful ceremony but your mind was focused on Emily. You noticed the looks of concern Penelope kept shooting her and the sad expression of Derek’s face.

You wished somebody would tell you what was happening.

-

You dropped it for the night, not wanting to ruin the happy atmosphere from JJ’s wedding but the next day you were determined to get an answer from Emily.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked as she entered her apartment after meeting Hotch.

“You tell me.” You shot back, not in the mood for any more deflections.

“Y/N,” She sighed, moving to come closer to you but you took a step back causing her to stop.

“Just tell me what’s going on.” You pleaded, eyes wide as you silently begged her. You watched as she sighed before nodding to herself.

“I got offered a job to run the London Interpol office.” She told you honestly, not wanting to drag this out any further. There was no delicate way to tell you but she couldn’t help but wince at her own words.

She watched as you frowned, eyebrows pulling together as you took in her words. She watched your mouth move but no words came out.

“What?” You finally spoke.

“Clyde offered me a job, running the head office. I haven’t given him an answer yet.” She told you quickly.

“But you’re going to say yes.” It should have been a question but it wasn’t, you knew Emily. If she was still thinking about this then she wanted it.

“I haven’t given him an answer yet.” She repeated, causing you to roll your eyes.

“But you’ve already made your mind up, right?” You knew she had, you knew she was going to choose this job.

“Y/N,” She pleaded but you just shook your head.

“No, it’s fine.” You said, nose scrunching as you pushed back tears, refusing to cry.

“Ever since I got back it’s been…I haven’t been able to grab onto my old life and pretend nothing happened.” She told you and you got that you really did but still you were allowed to be sad.

“You started this with me, Emily!” You yelled suddenly, fury coursing through your veins, “You started this relationship with me, I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask you to be with me, that was all you! And now you’re just leaving for some job in London!”

“Y/N please,” She began, she knew you were right. She hadn’t been fair to you.

“Good luck in London,” You scoffed before pushing past her and making your way out of the apartment, ignoring her calls for you.

You had told yourself at the start of this not to get attached to Emily but now as you sat alone in a bar, playing back the memories of the two of you, you could see that you had fallen hard for her…you loved her.

Weeks passed since Emily left. You didn’t say goodbye to her before she left, though she tried to contact you. You hated that you felt like this, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you sat in your empty apartment. You didn’t want to miss Emily, you didn’t want to need her.

You just wanted her to come back and be here with you.

When you were first getting together with Emily, if you had known what you knew now you never would have played so nonchalant, you would have told her that you loved her, you would have said those three words every single day.

But now she was in London, surrounded by taxi cabs and busy streets and yet none of them would bring her back to you.

-

You were finally on your way home from a long case, sat on the sofa watching as Spencer stared at the empty seat across from him, still reeling from losing Derek.

You missed him too. Being on this team, losing people, it was draining. You were still mourning the loss of Emily and it had been so long since you last saw her.

Hotch had taken himself off to answer a video call but you weren’t paying attention, you sat with your headphones in and looked down at your phone blocking everything out but your attention was brought back up when Hotch tapped your shoulder and gestured for you to take your headphones out.

“Huh?” You said, sitting up and turning to him.

“We have a case.” Hotch announced causing everyone to groan but before anyone could start complaining he said something that made you turn pale. “It’s Emily.”

The jet stayed silent, Hotch and Rossi glancing at you worriedly.

“What do you mean it’s Emily?” JJ asked which you were grateful for.

Hotch was quick to fill you all in on the information Emily had given him about the copy cat murderer but you were hardly paying atttention. Emily was coming back, she was going to be in New York with you.

You stayed behind the team as they entered the station, not ready to face Emily just yet. It had been so long since you last saw her and you hardly knew what to do.

“There she is!” You heard Rossi exclaim as he pulled Emily close, kissing her cheeks. You watched as a bright smile spread across her face.

She looked great.

JJ and Spencer hugged her, her smile only widening with each new person. You watched as she hugged Hotch before her attention finally settled on you.

“Y/N,” she began, feeling overwhelmed as she took you in. “Hi.”

“Nice to see you.” You said softly, playing with the hem of your jacket.

“It’s nice to see you too.” She replied, desperate to reach out to you but terrified of the response.

Hotch cleared his throat causing you both to turn away from each other.

“Rossi and JJ are heading to the crime scene,” He told her, “I’m assuming you want to join?”

Emily agreed and with one final glance at you she walked out of the door.

-

“What was that about?” Tara asked you, the only person on the team not aware of your relationship with Emily.

You shook your head, blinking back against the sudden wetness in your eyes before turning to Hotch. You didn’t even have to ask him if you could have a minute, he just nodded at you and told you to take as much time as you needed.

You managed a grateful smile before turning around and finding the bathroom. You locked yourself in a stall and sunk down to the floor, letting the tears flow. You hadn’t known just how hard it would be to see Emily again after all this time.

You thought you were getting over her but seeing her again, you were still so in love with her.

She might have been here in New York with you but she wasn’t staying and she wasn’t yours.

-

Once the case was wrapped up everyone was getting ready to head to the jet. Hotch had already told you of Emily’s decision to fly back with you all and as much as you hated the glimmer of hope you also held onto it like your life depended on it.

You didn’t speak to her on the plane and she gave you the space you needed and once you were back at the BAU she excused herself to see Penelope.

“How are you?” Hotch asked when the two of you were alone.

You sniffed before shrugging, not entirely sure how to answer that but Hotch was patient and he let you sort through your feelings before answering.

“I want to hate her,” You told him quietly, watching as he smiled sadly at you, “I want to hate her so badly. It’s her fault I fell for her in the first place. But seeing her today made me realise, I’m still in love with her, Hotch.” You confessed aloud for the first time, eyes filling with tears again and Hotch was quick to pull you into a hug.

“I don’t wanna need her this way.” You said into his chest.

“I know, I know.” Hotch said as he rubbed a comforting and grounding hand along your back. He watched as Rossi peeked into his office but shook his head causing the older man to shoot you both a sympathetic smile before leaving.

Eventually you pulled away and composed yourself, giving Hotch a forced smile before you and he made your way out of his office, joining the rest of the team in the hallway.

“We’re having family dinner,” Penelope told you, Hotch and Tara, “you in?” She asked and you wanted to say no so badly. You wanted to go home and ignore everything until Emily Prentiss was out of the country.

But another part of you wanted to go, wanted to have the chance to at least talk to her. You hated how you’d left things with her, her thinking you hated her and you not knowing how she felt about you.

You saw most of the team looking at you in concern so you plastered a smile onto your face and agreed to go.

“If somebody is paying for the alcohol, I’m there.” You said, causing them to laugh.

“Yes!” Penelope cheered, “This is happening. You get to tell me everything about Mark and by everything, I mean everything about Mark. I want all the details.”  She said and the rest of the team watched your smile falter before you took a breath and forced it back.

Penelope seemed to notice her mistake as she winced and gave you and Emily an apologetic look but you just shook your head and stepped into the elevator.

The rest followed in and it wasn’t long before you were all sitting at a table, Mexican food in front of you and it was easier than you thought it’d be. You sat between Rossi and Hotch, talking and laughing like nothing was wrong.

You took the time to steal glances at her, savouring how beautiful she looked as she laughed at whatever Penelope was saying to her.

“You should talk to her before she leaves.” Hotch said to you. You turned to face him and bit your lip before nodding.

“I know but…I don’t know how to talk to her anymore.” You admitted, hating that you didn’t really know the woman you loved anymore.

“It’ll be easier than you think.” He promised as he patted your hand and excused himself to the bathroom.

Once JJ saw Hotch leave she nodded in your direction, encouraging Emily to get up and make a move. Emily sighed, she wanted nothing more than to talk to you but after the last conversation she really wasn’t sure how it would go.

Biting the bullet, she stood up and made her way to Hotch’s seat.

“Mind if I sit here?” She asked, causing you to look up in surprise. It took you a minute to respond but eventually you nodded. “Thanks.” She said softly, giving you a small smile.

The rest of the table continued chatting, not wanting to make things more awkward for the two of you.

Emily didn’t know where to start, she had dreamed of seeing you again for so long and now she had the chance and she was blowing it.

Thankfully you started the conversation but the topic made Emily wince.

“So Mark, huh?” You asked when the silence became unbearable. Rossi, who was sitting next to you, had to hold back a snort of laughter at your bluntness.

“What about Mark?” Emily asked, unsure of how you were going to take the fact she had a boyfriend.

“Nothing, nothing,” You said with a shrug, “just never really pictured you with a Mark.” You told her, nose scrunched in disgust causing her to smile.

“What’s wrong with Mark?” She laughed, watching as a small smile graced your face.

“Nothing, it’s just…Mark? Really?” That was the ice breaker the two of you needed and by the time Hotch was sliding into Emily’s seat the two of you were leaning into each other’s personal space, talking and laughing with each other.

It was the happiest the team had seen you in a long time.

“So,” You asked during a lull in conversation, “when do you leave?”

“Tomorrow morning.” She told you quietly.

“You can’t stay longer?” You asked and there was a brief pause where Emily looked at you, an unreadable expression on her face. “Not for me, of course. For the team, they miss you.”

“Of course.” Emily agreed. “I miss them too but you know, I gotta get back…Mark and all.”

“Ah, Mark.” You said with a nod causing her to smile sadly.

After that Penelope captured Emily’s attention and she got swept into a conversation with the other girls. You were able to leave the table without them noticing and headed outside, not noticing Rossi following behind you.

He took one look at you and pulled you into his arms.

“C’mere kiddo.” He said as he did and you willingly went to him, needed the comfort right now.

“I’m ok,” you assured him after a while, pulling away from him.

“I know you are.” Rossi said, causing you to smile. “You’re tough but you’re allowed to miss her.”

You just nodded but didn’t respond, not that Rossi was expecting you to.

“I think I’m gonna head home.” You told him after a moment of silence.

“You want me to drive you?” He asked but you shook your head.

“No please, stay. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You said and made to leave, before you turned the corner though you turned back to Rossi, “Thank you.” You called, causing him to smile at you before waving you off.

You hadn’t been asleep long when the knock on your door came. You groaned, cursing whoever it was as they wouldn’t stop banging.

You pulled yourself out of bed, not caring about your appearance, and pulled the door open. Before you had time to register who it was, a pair of soft lips connected with yours in a desperate kiss.

“Wow.” You said, pulling away and coming face to face with Emily.

“Y/N,” She began but you cut her off. Whatever she was about to say would be guaranteed to ruin this and you didn’t want that, if you could get one more night with Emily you were taking it, consequences be damned.

A one more night you got. The two of you fell into bed together, every move desperate, needy, hot…making up for all the time lost between the two of you. Your bodies moved in sync like you had never stopped being together.

Everything felt right and it was easy to pretend that things were normal but then morning came.

“I have to go.” Emily told you as she accidently woke you up getting out of bed.

“Emily,” You began, not ready to lose her again, “just come back, be here, please Emily.” You pleaded with her but knew it was no use.

“I have to go back, Y/N. Baby, please believe me,” she said, sitting on the bed and cupping your cheek, “I want to be here but I have a life there.”

“You have a life here, Emily.” You argued back but she just shook her head.

“It’s different.” She said and you didn’t know what else to say.

What could you say? She had made her mind up a long time ago about where she wanted to be and it wasn’t here with you, it was across an ocean in London with Mark.

“Okay,” You said, nodding your head. “I’m not saying this to make you stay, please don’t think I am but I have to say it, Em, because I regret everyday that I never told you.”

The look on her face told you she knew what you were about to tell her, her eyes filled with tears as she nodded at you.

“I love you.” You confessed softly, tears streaming down your face.

She pulled you in for a kiss, so gentle that it made you cry even more.

“I love you too.” She whispered against your lips.

Watching her leave again somehow hurt more this time around, probably because you had both admitted you loved each other but it still wasn’t enough. You still weren’t enough for her to stay.

She left and left you in pieces on your bed, tears steadily streaming down your faces as you buried your face in the pillow that still smelled like her, cursing that you needed her this way.

You just wanted her to come back to you.

__________________

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