Abuse Survivor - Tumblr Posts - Page 3
They’re everywhere.
My new boss has told the director of sales (my colleague) that she should bring him along when she’s going to deliver a proposal because men are better at closing deals.
He called me ‘Dear’ on the phone and told me I should have more staff on when we are busier and less staff on when we are less busy (how insightful, I never would have thought).
He also insists our numbers are higher than they are despite my explicit explanation (and the math) as to how that is impossible.
Furthermore, he told my other colleage and counterpart that he should speak to me “as a friend” (he actually is my friend by the way) about my attire and how it’s not appropriate for my role. I should dress more professional “ a skirt maybe”, and wishes to avoid an awkward encounter with me himself.
Not that I want to give his suggestion much gravity, but I’ll explain something fairly quickly that he, as my boss, should have figured out within 5 minutes of discussing with me what I do. My role in other larger companies would likely be a desk job with some sales/retention work with clients. I’d probably have a nice office and staff to do about 50% of the work I currently handle myself.
Unfortunately, our site is on the smaller side and I run my department basically from ground level. This means my job is about 60% physical - I’m running a lot. So the suggestion of a dress and heels to work isn’t just offensive and inappropriate, it’s fucking downright impractical.
I have to have a meeting about this. I may get fired over this. Whatever the outcome, I’m not staying at this hellhole.
How the fuck is it, that every time one of these fucking shitbags enters a work place they kill off everything good around them? Why am I the one who has to find something else?
Some girls have all the luck.
How ironic it is,
They wished for my dismay
And laid on me a curse
But all I got was peace
Self doubt, my old friend.
victims of abuse be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?
I think the abuse robbed me of my capacity for joy; that whole "in the moment" feeling everyone talks about.
It's conditioning from years in the cycle, where a happy few hours came to a screeching halt ( literally) due to some inconsequential blip, and days of misery would follow.
Beware the happy times - the worst ones come next. How do you relax and be present when that's been your programmed mantra?
This is the reminder card for my follow up appointment after my abortion. I've kept it since receiving it in the last few days of 2016. My woman asked why I've kept so many things that hurt and remind me of terrible times.
These scraps corroborate my story. If I don't keep them, the terrible things that have happened to me just become a figment of my imagination; another false excuse as to why I'm not a better adjusted Adult.
Furthermore, and probably the darker side of my trauma response, I've felt I deserve the misery these memories stir up. Comfort is not something I'm entitled to given my sins and finding reminders of that is part of how I can atone. Real pain is penance after all.
I told her. She said all of the right things. The kind, supportive words we all allow to bounce off of us; so unlike the things he would have said, which I would have allowed to soak into my core.
But I will try a little harder, and today I shredded this damn thing.
Driving in a snowstorm last night I came to a realization.
My sense of self preservation is returning.
There are lots of accounts online and elsewhere of people experiencing guilt due to a perceived lack of productivity right now.
I have that feeling every day regardless of what I've accomplished. He made sure I never felt comfortable resting; there was always something to do, some task that needed completion immediately after the last one, and some ball I was dropping by sitting on the couch and day dreaming for a few minutes.
This guilt is crippling and so hard to shake. It's a fight to remind yourself that rest, particularly in streessful times or when healing, is not a luxury.
It's a necessity.
I wish I could say this wasn't true anymore. While I can say it hurts less, I can't even confirm that it happens less frequently.
It's incredibly upsetting that despite moving on and finding the most gentle and kind person to be with, he still pervades my thoughts.
I still think about him basically every time I get a quiet moment: in a fitting room, at a red light, in my office, in the shower.
Recovery is a bitch.
Every fall my mental health dissolves. You can set your watch by it.
His words, my voice
It’s been years, and I still can’t handle making a mistake.
I’m taking a French class and we had a class on the Imparfait tense tonigh. I used it incorrectly while doing an exercise where we were speaking aloud. Now I want to quit the class because my brain is telling me that I’m not good enough to be here. Furthermore, I should go to bed and never come out because I’m an embarrassment to myself and everyone thinks I’m a fool.
I teach English to newcomers. Mistakes are inevitable when you’re learning a language. They’re also a great way to learn. But apparently only for other people.
A prevailing symptom of my abuse is not believing myself when I don't feel well.
Today I am going to bed early. My body is feeling symptoms of stress, and it’s high time I started listening to it.
I always assume that everyone struggles with confidence at one time or another. So I ask myself, do I actually have residue from the abuse or do I just lack resilience?
I’m sure you know how my brain answers.
Since covid, I’ve been in conversations where my mind has just gone blank. “What have you been up to?” “How have you been?”
It’s back to “I have no idea. I exist, I guess.” If only I could actually say that.
a mess
A question for the abuse survivors, did you lose the ability to recognize when you're happy? I feel like someone took an eraser to my amygdala.
Did you get yours back?
The self-loathing bits of my brain are so mad at you right now, OP.
if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now
My partner is brushing her teeth before bed and clearly watching something very funny because all I can hear is her giggling from the other room.
My heart is so full and I'm crying.
I couldn't have imagined such a simple pleasant home some years ago.
4am Musings
Is childhood inherently traumatizing?
Cheers to not letting the monster take over.
““How to make a monster: First you must take something innocent, then feed it hate, ridicule and betrayal. All that is left is a soul poisoned by the world.””
— -via iitisveryoverrated (via bialyanqueen)
😬