Adhd In Hindsight - Tumblr Posts

I've discovered that I have a specific thread in my brain that is pulled back, soldered down, and devoted entirely to playing music in my head. At all hours there is some song playing, no matter what I'm doing; it's never silenced. It's annoying when I get a song stuck in my head that will play for days on end, but sometimes it provides good background noise.

The only time it will stop is when I hear the music instead of imagine it. When this happens, my brain stops working to play the song, and it frees up a LOT of processing power. I get really productive with this extra brain juice. I can apply it to anything, too - creativity, concentration, computation, or anything else I need at the moment (especially things that start with 'c').

Even then, sometimes a song stuck in my head will continue to play in the background, taking precedence over whatever is actually playing. This can be annoying, but sometimes I do it on purpose to tune out a song I don't want to hear.

I can't imagine my brain going silent. I think I would go crazy.

I still don't know if I'm a morning person or a night owl.

It used to be that I would wake up at 6:30 every Saturday morning and play video games until noon. I don't do that kind of thing anymore (since I can play whenever I want to now), but whenever I wake up early in the morning, I'm at my happiest and most creative. I LOVE mornings, in fact.

But I can't wake up to save my life. Lately I've been waking up at noon! It's really sad. Part of this stems from my other tendency - I hate sleep.

Many nights, I'll end up staying up until three in the morning. I try to limit that to midnight during the week, but it's because I hate sleeping. I never want to sleep, so I avoid it as much as possible... by staying awake until o'dark stupid in the morning. Oddly, I don't feel tired when I do this (most of the time). There's a little bit of drag, but I can stay up for a long time with energy to spare.

It gets really confusing on a day like today, when I went to bed at 2AM and woke up at 7AM more rested than having slept from midnight to nine (like on a weekday - that's getting dangerously close to missing class). Even when I go to bed at 10PM I still can't seem to wake up when I want to.

One of these days I'll figure it out... maybe.

The following is a dramatization of real events:

"My charger for my computer broke! One of the wires must have frayed. Oh well, I'll be out of commission for a couple of days. I'll just order a new one via Amazon Prime.

"WHAT?!? It's EIGHTY DOLLARS?! Not happening! This had BETTER be covered under warranty.

"I've been on hold for the past thirty minutes... What, it's under warranty? Great! How long will it take to get here?... FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS?!?!

"I'm gonna be without a computer for a WEEK! Classes will have started by then! Now I can't stream, or work on my mappacks, or distract myself during class, or refresh the same eight websites every five minutes, or... Or..."

.....................

*starts grinning*

"OH NO, now I can't do everything on my computer! I'm FORCED to learn how to better use my phone as a secondary way of obtaining information. How HORRIBLE!

"Aw man, now I can't play my computer games! I have to play my new 3DS games that I got the other day instead. One of them is even my first Pokemon game! It's pure TORTURE.

"Darn it, now I can't work on my mappacks! Forget the fact that I've been working on them for months and haven't made much progress on anything - I OBVIOUSLY can't be productive now! I guess I have to take a break or something.

"Now that my computer is out of commission, I can't do ANYTHING on it! I'm now forced to start doing everything else that I've been neglecting because I was doing all these IMPORTANT things on my computer! And things won't go back to normal for a WEEK! Whatever will I do..."

*packs away computer*

More thought processeses

*Setting: small dorm room with a sink*

Me: I should brush my hair now.

*gets out hairbrush, looks out window*

Me: Wow, it's a pretty day outside! I should open the window.

*leaves hairbrush on side of sink, opens window*

Me: Ahh, fresh air.

*glances back toward sink*

Me: That's right, I was doing my hair.

*walks back, glances at computer*

Me: I should probably turn that music up a little.

*taps volume once, notices water bottle*

Me: I'm thirsty.

*drinks water*

Me: That's better. What was I doing--

*glances at sink*

Me: Drat, I forgot again!

*walks back, glances at other toiletries*

Me: I should probably shave as well. After I brush my hair, of course.

*picks up brush, train passes by*

Me: Can't hear my music very well at all... maybe I should turn it up again?

*walks over to computer, notices stuff lying on shelf*

Me: Hold on, I should put that in my pockets.

*walks over to shelf, puts stuff in pockets*

Me: There. Now what was I doing again--

*noise stops, train has already passed*

Me: Oh yeah... guess I don't need to turn the music up anymore.

*glances back at toiletries*

Me: That's right, I should shave.

*walks over to sink*

*notices hairbrush*

Me: NOT AGAIN WHAT THE HECK

~This has been Thought Processes with WillWare. Tune in next time to hear WillWare say...~

Me: I should write a blogpost!

New agenda:

Instead of thinking about things and wondering about what I might do and overthinking every little bit and telling myself that I can't do it now for whatever dumb reason and figuring that I have all the time in the world to do it later--

Maybe I should actually do it, instead of letting my imagination run the show. That's a good idea, I'll think about trying that do that from now on, all the time.

I've literally spent my whole life daydreaming. Thinking about games, about designing, about trying new things, about being social. About starting to do Let's Plays, about streaming, about blogging, about doing my own freaking homework. And you know what? About 1% of those ever come to fruition, because I always tell myself that I can do it later, or that I'm not ready and I'll make a mistake.

Well, screw that mindset. I'm done daydreaming. I'm gonna start living my dreams instead.

My sense of time is so screwed up lately it's not even funny. It'll be Friday or something, and the next time I check it'll suddenly be Tuesday; but then the next two times I check it'll still be Tuesday, and then I check again and it's Tuesday of next week. I can recognize that time passed in between, and on average it passes at normal speed, but everything else could be either twenty times faster or twenty times slower than normal. It's very difficult for me to keep track of things to do like this, especially when one Monday I get an assignment due on Wednesday and the next time I think of it is Thursday.

So how the heck am I supposed to do my assignments like this, much less keep up a blog or a Youtube channel? I've already had to set a reminder on my phone every day telling me that another day has passed. That's not helping either, so now I have to find another alternative...

It's like my life is a game of Mario Party now. Roll the die, go that many days forward all at once, realize I accidentally gave half my coins to Luigi on the way.

Some days I sure wish I could roll a 0. I think that feature is in Mario Party 9 Life Simulator 9? But I also hear in that universe you have four people in your body?? I think I'll stick with this universe for now, thanks.

Don't let anyone fool you: Adults don't really know what they're doing all the time. You don't magically earn the drive or the strategy to do all your responsibilities when you turn 18, or when you get out of college - or at any point, for that matter. And if anyone looks like they have it... they don't.

As I was walking around the house, my neglected responsibilities jumped out at me all at once. Dishes in the sink. Unfolded clothes. Homework. All of them important things that I should have done days ago, but they're still lying around. Some have deadlines! And as I asked myself why I can't handle such simple tasks with any decency, I began to wonder whether I'm fit for adulthood at all. How can I be expected to survive on my own if I can't even get myself to take regular showers?

I started to despair about bigger matters like rent. Clearly I'm not cut out for these responsibilities, I told myself. Maybe I should stop trying; I'm just going to fail anyway. It was a crushing thought... I was about to break down on the spot.

But then I noticed the things I'm doing well. My room is mostly clean (other than the clothes, but even those are in a hamper in the corner). I'm well-fed. I'm still in college - I live off-campus, and I've survived this long! I have supportive friends. Heck, I just took out the trash moments before this meltdown.

Really what I was afraid of was that I can't seem to do anything, when that's not true. I can do some things, just not everything. And in the end, I concluded that the things I'm doing right outweigh the things I'm not doing. I need to learn to juggle all my responsibilities first before I master them, and that's part of what college is about.

I've seen what it looks like to not do anything, and I'm not nearly there... But if I'd given up, I sure would be. So it's okay! I'll forget to wash the dishes some days, and that's okay, as long as I'm trying at all.

[WillWare is sitting in his room, alone. Enter Smart Alex.]

Smart Alex: Hey look, you're in your room by yourself again. Looks like you've been busy, eh?

WillWare: As a matter of fact, I HAVE been busy. Been hanging with friends and getting work done. It's been a productive couple of weeks.

Smart Alex: Wow! Impressive. Sounds like things are going pretty well for you, for once.

WillWare: Har har.

Smart Alex: Ever start any of those projects you've been jabbering about so much?

WillWare: No, not yet. Haven't found the motivation. I'm enjoying the ride right now.

Smart Alex: What's to lose? What, are you afraid something's gonna come along and kill your progress? That's never stopped you before, heh.

WillWare: ...

Smart Alex: ...Wait, you're serious.

WillWare: A little bit, yeah...

Smart Alex: Come on, dude! It's not like the universe is going to kill you if you try something new.

WillWare: It's not about trying something new!

Smart Alex: Then what is it? Scared? Too much work? Not enough people breathing down your back? I bet I can get someone on your case if you--

WillWare: I'm scared I can't finish what I start, okay?

Smart Alex: ...Something from the outside, or something from the inside? Cause I've got a pet snake, I can make it something external.

WillWare: [mutters] where the hell did you get a snake

Smart Alex: Tell you what, I can make this one easy. Finish this conversation.

WillWare: ...what?

Smart Alex: Finish this conversation with me. Right now. That way you've finished something. Confidence!

WillWare: Is this a trick? [glances around for camera] Are you setting me up?

Smart Alex: What? No. I'm trying to be nice to you. I know that's not exactly normal of me, so you should take advantage of it.

WillWare: But--

Smart Alex: If you doubt my generosity on this one, I could just stay here for a few hours and leave on my own terms.

WillWare: ...Um... Okay then. Thanks for coming by.

Smart Alex: See you later! And do get some work done, won't you? [Exit.]

[WillWare pulls out his computer and starts clicking away furiously.]

Smart Alex: [from behind] How's it going?

WillWare: HOLY FRICK-- [jumps] WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!?

Smart Alex: Good, you're hard at work. Get back to it!

[Smart Alex pats WillWare on the back before leaving. WillWare grumbles as he resumes working.]

Sometimes the things people say don’t make any sense. Someone might say something so tangential to the conversation, so out of place, that it catches us off guard. Other times people may seem to make a big deal over something that seems inconsequential, or focus on a particular detail that no one else seems to care about.

However random it may seem, it makes sense to them. It’s obviously relevant or important to them, although it may not seem that way to you. A thought usually doesn’t cross someone’s mind without meaning! So instead of discounting or disregarding it, try to figure out why they said it. Who knows, you might learn something new.

But especially don’t shame them for it.

Here’s a question I’ve been wrestling with for the past few weeks:

I do a lot of daydreaming. At any given point in time, I’m deep in my thoughts playing out some scenario or another. Most of the time, they’re not ridiculous or anything - it’s just me organizing my music, making levels, going out and being social, or playing video games. Remember this post? It’s still an issue.

Why, then, can’t I turn those thoughts into reality?

I wouldn’t say any of this is unreasonable. I mean, what’s any of that take out of me? Thirty minutes of my time at worst? That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, I can just go right back to whatever I was doing afterward. And then I have the satisfaction of getting the thing done to go with it.

The real problem is that in the meantime, I’m doing nothing. Sitting around listening to music, or watching a video on Youtube, or reading my dashboard here on Tumblr, not even taking time out of my day to get dressed sometimes. I know this is the life for some people. No, really, I get that. First-world problems and all. I get it. But that is not me. I don’t like to sit around and twiddle my thumbs - I like to get stuff done. I enjoy being creative and funny and productive; moving and breathing and doing.

So I don’t understand where this whole “sit around and be a blob of consumption” thing came from. Especially since, the whole time, I’m imagining how awesome it would be to get up and get dressed, when it takes no more energy to flail my arms and legs to put socks on my head and pants on my feet. Great, now I’m imagining me being all happy and doing stuff - why can’t I just do this in reality?

I am a freaking potato and I don’t know what to do about it.

Saying “I’ll do it in a few minutes” is a death sentence every time.