Autism In Hindsight - Tumblr Posts

Unwilling introvert

Would you believe me if I said I was an introvert, but not by choice?

I know it sounds crazy - at least it does to me - but it's really true. I enjoy being with other people, but it's draining.

Most of the time us introverts are the way we are because taking thoughts and making them into words on the fly requires energy. Most of us don't even realize it; we're just turned off by the idea of being around others. We'll rationalize it by saying that people are stupid or that we're not good at socializing - or maybe that we don't know why at all - but the real, subconscious reason is that it's work.

In my case, I love hearing people's stories. "Life is about the stories," my dad always says, and I completely agree. There's something about someone's tale of woe or laughter that captures my attention and makes me wonder what happens next. (In case you're wondering by this point, yes, I'm a hit with older folk.) I also think that in-person conversation is the best way to communicate with someone, but I'm not so sure why I think that yet.

So whenever I work up the energy, I try to strike up conversations with people. People I know, people I don't know, doesn't matter much to me. Everyone has a story. And I have a couple of my own that I share, if I'm feeling especially energetic. Sometimes we come up with stories of our own, of worldwide power outages and the apocalypse following or covering the Earth with (2^32 - 1) CRTs displaying a single Linux computer. And I love every moment of it!...

...until I run out of energy.

If I don't have the energy, I avoid people at all cost. I duck down into my room and listen to music alone until I recover enough energy to at least get through the rest of the day's socializing - because people are a part of everyday life, and I have to deal with them to get my food and get through classes. And also because sometimes people just start talking to me whether I want them to or not, which can be devastating if I don't have the energy to deal with it. If this gets really bad, I lash out at people or shrink away in the corner until I get the alone time I need.

My real problem with all of this is that my social energy is almost constantly at a low level. Very rarely do I have enough energy to feel confident speaking with people. And it recovers so slowly that I need a day or so to prepare enough energy for an hour. It's really sad, because I enjoy being around people and would love to have more of the energy I need to do so.

At least it doesn't take energy for me to think - apparently that's a thing with some people.

Over time I've slowly discovered an odd phenomenon about myself and my ability to understand things: words are stored in my head as feelings.

The first time I figured this out, it was with the word "freezing." When I hear that word, I actually feel a little colder. It's a very subtle feeling, almost unnoticeable, and it lasts a shorter time than it takes for me to even say the word.

It's a subconscious thing. In fact, 99% of the time I don't even notice. Occasionally I'll just notice it for no reason at all. Other times I watch myself to see if it's really happening, or if I'm just making it up.

Naturally, I've tried other things. It turns out I do this with numbers as well. I have a very distinct feeling of the presence of "one," or "three," and even an idea of "one taken from three." It starts to distort with larger numbers; I can rationalize that 10,002 - 10,001 is the same as 2 - 1, but they don't feel the same. Another thing that works is punctuation; I can feel the breaks and pauses in the sentence differently based on a single comma or capitalized letter.

This plays into how I understand the world. When my teacher explains something in class, I'm able to connect with the idea in a way that lets me explain it to others in a way they can understand. When someone is telling a story of what happened to them, it's essentially happening to me at the same time; I'm able to empathize. It is the strangest and most wonderful thing.

Why do I say all this? Because maybe this is normal for people, and someone can get some use out of knowing this about themselves. Or, maybe I'm just lucky. One thing's for sure: this is all just further proof that I think too much.

I have a tendency to find patterns in two steps. This is both a good thing and a bad thing; it means I'm generally quicker to catch on to things than most people, but it also means that I often find patterns where they don't exist.

Let's use a mathematical example, shall we? I love math! Say I'm given two numbers:

1, 8

Here's the order in which I think of what patterns this might fit in:

Sequential cubes - 1³, 2³ (3³, 4³, n³) Add seven to previous number - 1, 1+7 (8+7, 15+7, 1+7n) Multiples of eight - 8⁰, 8¹ (8², 8³, 8ⁿ)

What tends to happen when I point out the first pattern that comes to mind is that I'm often wrong. Even if I go through all the patterns that come to mind, it could still be a different pattern, or it could just not be a pattern at all!

So what I've trained myself to do is wait for a third term to see if I have it right. I've been wrong on the third term before, but far less often. Most of the time my suspicion is correct at that point - except with things like human behavior, which I'm usually more careful about.

...no, I don't treat human behavior like numbers... I look for patterns in different ways...

It's funny just how powerful a few words are.

In real life social situations, I'm able to get away with silence. Just being with a group, whether I talk much or not, begins to open them up to me somehow. I've always sort of used that to my advantage (being shy and all), and strangely enough, it's served me well - I have a few lifelong friends just from existing in a location near these people. It's also helped me feel like I'm part of the group I'm with, that they know I'm part of them too.

On the Internet, that don't fly. If you want to be noticed, you have to speak up. And for the longest time, I never got the memo.

When I started out here on the web, I spoke briefly and went back to lurking. I thought people would notice my presence the "normal" way; that if I hung out long enough, I would be accepted more. But I didn't say enough, and even when I did, I never truly felt like I was part of the discussion. As a result, I've been pretty invisible.

Just recently I figured it out - if I don't say anything, how will people notice me? They won't. On the internet, you are displayed when you post something; if you don't post, you don't show up, simple as that. When I learned that, it hit me pretty hard, but then I realized just how obvious that should have been.

And then, just yesterday, I realized how easy it is to say something: just reply to other people. Original content can be hard/time-consuming (look how many posts I've made! hurr durr), but with a reply, the conversation is already started! And it's not hard in the slightest - I've always been one for situational conversation, just letting it flow while I comment here and there.

Not only am I putting myself out there, but more importantly, I'm also spreading joy. I always get super excited when someone replies to my tweets/posts/etc., so why not do that for other people? I'm happy, they're happy... it makes perfect sense!

I'm just surprised it took me this long to figure out.

What happens when I run out of social energy

what they say: "Hi, how are you?" what I hear: "HI HOW ARE YOU?? TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW" what it feels like: thousands of tiny needles poking my eardrums what they say: *distant chattering of others* what I hear: stnd*iat gchanteitr oxf st*heor what it feels like: turning the shower up too hot what they say: "Why won't you talk to me?" what they mean: "Are you okay?" what I hear: "Wow you are so rude for ignoring me!" what it feels like: getting punched in the gut what I say: "Can you leave me alone for a while?" what I mean: "Just for an hour tops, I'll probably feel better then, no hard feelings but I can't social right now" what they hear: "I hate you and I never want to see you or hear you again! Go wither away for the rest of your pathetic life!" what they say: "Wow you really are just rude! What did I ever do to you?" what I feel: shame what I tell myself: "Look what you did now, you jerk! Go hide in your room for eternity, you can't even be a good friend to anyone."

I know I’ve been talking about my social issues a lot, but that’s because it’s been a major source of stress for me in the past few weeks.

Days have been longer for me at college. I often won’t get back home from campus until dinner; my roommate drives me up, and either we’ve got an afternoon class or he’s busy doing something. As a result, I’m on campus and around people for longer - and I only have so much social energy in a day. This isn’t the fault of my roommate, mind, but by the time I get home, I’m completely exhausted, even on a good day. It’s become commonplace for me to get back, only to neglect my responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework) and my hobbies (gaming, designing, writing, drawing) and go directly to sleep.

When I can’t get home for some reason or other, I don’t have time to recharge my social batteries. This results in me handling social situations very poorly (since I don’t have the energy to do otherwise), and that always makes me feel worse. Often I’m exhausted all day, from the moment I wake up, yet I’m still expected to dole it out like I drank three coffees or something.

I’ve asked to be left alone before so I can recharge, but it doesn’t take. Someone always thinks I’m being rude or grouchy, when the real answer is I just can’t keep going. And then they debate the point with me, which wastes what little energy I have! I’m afraid to ask to be left alone now, because I know what the consequences will be.

It’s like my emotions and sanity are being forced to run a marathon every day. Some days I wake up supercharged and ready to go all day. Most days I’m still tired from the day before - but I can’t stop, lest the drill-sergeant-turned-instructor notices me slacking off and whips me until I get up and run again.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of the worst part: people (re: my friends) have been calling me weak for not being able to run the marathon with them.

Almost makes me want to move back on-campus. Sure, there were loud and obnoxious people there, but they were all gone during the afternoon, so I could go back and get some peace and quiet when I needed it.

Here’s a question I’ve been wrestling with for the past few weeks:

I do a lot of daydreaming. At any given point in time, I’m deep in my thoughts playing out some scenario or another. Most of the time, they’re not ridiculous or anything - it’s just me organizing my music, making levels, going out and being social, or playing video games. Remember this post? It’s still an issue.

Why, then, can’t I turn those thoughts into reality?

I wouldn’t say any of this is unreasonable. I mean, what’s any of that take out of me? Thirty minutes of my time at worst? That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, I can just go right back to whatever I was doing afterward. And then I have the satisfaction of getting the thing done to go with it.

The real problem is that in the meantime, I’m doing nothing. Sitting around listening to music, or watching a video on Youtube, or reading my dashboard here on Tumblr, not even taking time out of my day to get dressed sometimes. I know this is the life for some people. No, really, I get that. First-world problems and all. I get it. But that is not me. I don’t like to sit around and twiddle my thumbs - I like to get stuff done. I enjoy being creative and funny and productive; moving and breathing and doing.

So I don’t understand where this whole “sit around and be a blob of consumption” thing came from. Especially since, the whole time, I’m imagining how awesome it would be to get up and get dressed, when it takes no more energy to flail my arms and legs to put socks on my head and pants on my feet. Great, now I’m imagining me being all happy and doing stuff - why can’t I just do this in reality?

I am a freaking potato and I don’t know what to do about it.