Tw: Dissociation - Tumblr Posts

Marination for 5 hours

do you think bucky was sexually abused? that Selby scene in tfatws makes me wonder every single time

Thanks for the question.

I’ve tagged this post but just in case tumblr glitches, trigger warnings for: rape, sexual abuse, dissociation, sexual assault, imprisonment, torture, war, ptsd, mind control. I’ve probably missed others so read at your own risk 😬

The short answer is yes.

The longer answer is 1) unethical human experimentations were rife during WW2, and Hydra is supposed to represent the worst of them; 2) super soldiers were highly sought after for decades and we’ve seen no evidence it could be reproduced from Bucky’s blood, therefore they are likely to try more direct methods of reproducing a super soldier; 3) sexual violence is common during conflicts, and male survivors of war-related sexual violence are increasingly being recognised as a large population of silent sufferers; 4) dissociation may have been something Hydra wanted to achieve as part of Bucky’s mind control, and dissociative symptoms are commonly linked with extensive sexual abuse.

Before I go to the super long essay, I just wanted to say that the scene in TFATWS was most likely written as a snide joke (cos rape jokes are funny amirite, especially if a guy is the victim), but Bucky fans have read it straight because his traumatic past makes that suggestion a real possibility. Unfortunately, in the context of Zemo’s comment and Selby’s leer, that adds a possibility that I haven’t mentioned above — which is that Hydra wasn’t just sexually abusing Bucky as a power play or to break his mind, but they were deriving pleasure from the acts and offering him up for sexual favours…which, is so deep in HTP territory that it…says a lot about the sheltered life the creators live to pass that off as a joke.

1. Experimentation on POWs were horrendous during WW2. I happened to click on a collection of Japanese war crimes but the Nazis led a lot of the unethical research on their own front. For those who (rightly) don’t want to click, the Japanese were doing stuff like forcing prisoners to have sex with each other so they can infect the woman with syphilis and then forcefully impregnate female prisoners, then experiment on their babies. Or they were experimenting on prisoners to see the limits of physiology, like submitting them to severe frostbite, animal blood transfusions, unsafe vaccines, deliberate infections, and likely other drugs and poisons.

Prisoners were seen as subhuman, and particularly if you take the headcanon that Bucky may have been Jewish, there would have been very little ethical incentive holding Hydra back. Especially with the heightened healing ability, Bucky would have been a matter of great curiosity (not a good thing when you’re an experimental subject and a prisoner) and would have been subjected to inhumane experiments you and I couldn’t even dream up.

2. Now put this in the context of super soldiers being extremely sought after as a commodity. I use the word commodity because none of them have been afforded rights like humans. We know canonically, that experimentation on trying to create super soldiers continued for much of the 20th century. There were the unethical experiments on Isaiah’s squad, the “Winter Soldier program”, the Hulk, that Russian dude and probably more we haven’t yet heard of. This means that for those 70 years Bucky was imprisoned, Hydra wanted more of him, but ones that were lower maintenance, easier to control and believed their own values. We already talked about how they have no ethical limits on what experiments they might do. Without going into details, but when you for some reason can’t get more serum from his blood or recreating the formula, and you don’t want to or can’t clone, then the method left is reproduction by harvesting sperm.

3. As I’ve mentioned above (and if you clicked through to the article), sexual violence were extremely common during war and occupation against female prisoners. But what about towards men? Turns out, it’s not rare at all, except like many incidences of male survivors of sexual violence, it’s not talked about publicly if at all.

The proportion of affected victims are devastatingly high. This article addresses conflicts in Africa, but I can’t think of any cultural reasons why it would be different in Nazi-occupied Europe.

If you can stomach the article, it talks about the social pressures that prevent men from speaking up. The shame of being seen as emasculated, the strict gender roles enforced by society, the fear of losing their social supports and their loved ones. These are all psychological pressures that would have been relevant in Bucky’s time, given the general poor acceptance of sodomy and male victimhood, as well as (depending on your headcanon) his own perception of his sexuality, which may already be negative due to internalised queerphobia. The flip side of all this, of course, is that sexual violence is an effective torture method to cause shame, fear, self-doubt and suffering. It is a kind of pain that I have no doubt perpetrators understand the permanence of. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no possibility of comfort even should they get back to their old lives, as all these male victims could do is to live in endless silent suffering. Importantly, it fractures your sense of identity especially if a large part of that is tied into enforced gender roles.

4. Lastly, while Bucky’s mind-control is movie science, I think dissociation, derealisation and depersonalisation are an integral part of his mind control process. Sebastian spoke of his headcanon that Bucky was “in a dream like state”, which sounds like derealisation.

And this scene of him placidly letting the Hydra scientists work on him and not responding to Pierce’s questions could be an episode of dissociation.

Dissociation is likely something Hydra wanted to achieve. We know that dissociation is very common in victims of prolonged sexual abuse. That is not to say that physical abuse alone couldn’t have caused dissociation. I haven’t looked up data for this but I’ve seen amputees describe the surreal and recurring flashbacks of seeing their limb beside their body and we know, canonically, that Bucky was awake to remember at least one stage of his amputation, so that alone might cause dissociative symptoms. That said, unless Bucky was already dissociating reliably, Hydra would try to worsen his dissociation by causing other trauma, and sexual violence as mentioned earlier causes the type of psychological injury that makes him vulnerable to them further degrading his sense of identity and self-belief.

you know it's a bad night when I'm genuinely considering mixing cold pasta with chocolate

you know it's a bad night when I'm genuinely considering mixing cold pasta with chocolate

What can you do when you hate every word that comes out of your mouth with a burning passion? When nothing you say ever feels right? When all of your words feel like lies, even though they’re not?

Because they’re not, right? …right?

you ever have disassociation in the sense of life is a really nice pretty dream but you know one day you have to wake up so you float through life in a bittersweet mechanical way because you’re haunted by the knowledge that it’s all gonna be gone soon enough despite logically knowing that’s not how this works but your brain is so convinced it is that you can’t really help it anymore? No? Just me?

been having some trouble with making full renders as of recent and i was debating posting this because yknow vent and stuff but like- like i drew myself kinda good though fr. plus the speech bubbles were a bitch.

anyway the narrator is officially a comfort character of mine now jhgfcghjk ALSO i am okay now :) this was a couple days ago, and i usually only have one really bad day per week... is that sad?

staring at my ceiling contemplating my existence… so glad i made a playlist for this…

HE’D NEVER HAD THE LUXURY OF HATRED, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN IT CAME TO HIS PARENTS. Michael can’t even hate his father despite the pain electrifying his every nerve and the knowledge of what he’d done to him. Old enough to remember her leaving, unmoved by his father’s lies to others after she’d left — never pushed to hatred for her despite wondering what his life might have been like if he’d chosen to go with her. His refusal had been simple. Not wanting to abandon the only parent who approved of his guilt over Evan, not daring to follow the parent who promised him he wasn’t a murderer. Growing up at his father’s side and thinking late at night: where is she ? Would life be better with her ?

Now he’s still not sure, but what he does know is that he would not look like this if he’d left with her. Swaying on feet that he’s unsure even belong to him anymore, or the machine that had taken his body as its own, Michael stretches his mouth in the facsimile of a smile. It feels false, but the soft look in his eyes is not. “ I should’a visited sooner, ” he tells her, and startles at the sound of his own voice: it sounds like him, quiet and accented slightly more like his father perhaps, but his own mind refuses to recognise it, “ I’m sorry. ”

Try as he might, the apology wobbles. He ducks his head, refusing to cry in front of anyone in front of her, specifically. Might not even be human enough to do so. How does he ask for comfort from a woman he realizes, belatedly, he doesn’t truly know since she left ? “ Can I — Can I come inside ? ” Michael chooses to say instead, avoiding her eyes. “ It’s real cold out here. ” He’d walked all the way here based on a simple memory of an address. Desperate to see his mother again, though uncertain if his rash action is one to regret yet or not.

@bitterborne   \   michael   :   “ i bet you weren’t expecting me , were you ? ” [ post-scooping :’) ]

𝐀   𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄   𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓   𝐖𝐀𝐒   𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐄   𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓   with   all   the   prospects   of   growing   old   to   watch   her   children   give   her   grandchildren   ,    so   on    &*    so   forth   ,    ripped   away   from   her   violently   with   her   husband's   misdoings   .    being   as   awful   as   a   man   as   he   had   become   making   the   matriarch   grow   resentful   of   him   ,    horrified   he   was   her   husband   .    still   adoring   her   children   with   every   fibre   of   her   being   but   leaving   their   lives   to   protect   hers   .    a   mind   filled   to   the   brim   with   dark   thoughts   encircling   all   around   her   own   end    &*    demise   is   not   what   they   needed   in   a   mother   .    running   fast    &*    running   far   from   her   husband   all   in   the   name   of   self   preservation   .    an   incredibly   selfish   act   for   a   mother   .    though   the   day   she   lost   her   youngest   son   ,    she   was   no   longer   the   same   rosa   who   had   birthed   any   of   them   or   even   married   william   afton   .

wanting   them   all   in   her   lives    &*    even   offering   her   eldest   boy   the   choice   of   coming   with   her   ,    though   his   denial   was   one   that   she   respected   .    lost   contact   of   course   after   years   became   long   .    skin   remaining   taut    &*    eyes   while   dulling   still   vibrant   with   life   .    the   same   could   not   be   said   for   michael   .    for   a   moment   she   is   horrified   .    for   this   did   not   look   like   her   boy   .    how   flesh   looked   as   though   it   were   rotting    &*    becoming   more   pale   by   the   day   but   she   knew   michael   .    she   would   always   know   him   .    mouth   coming   to   open    &*    close   ,    shake   of   her   head   briefly   .     “   what   happened   to   him   ”     coming   to   cross   her   mind   though   that   would   be   answered   in   due   time   .    of   course   there   is   still   shock   in   her   gaze   as   mouth   remains   agape   for   the   moment   before   reminding   herself   to   close   it    &*    head   comes   to   shake   .     ‘   of   course   not   ,    but   i   can't   say   i   didn't   miss   you   ,    papa   .   ’     pet   names   for   her   children   rolling   off   her   tongue   with   ease   .    for   if   he   hated   her   ,    he   hasn't   told   her   outright   yet   .    expecting   it   if   she   were   frank   .

Some vent art I did as a project for my Studio Concepts class!

I was a bit nervous and reluctant to post this since this is my first digital art piece in months and I have been really unconfident about my art style/skills.

The first picture is the initial concept/sketch for the project. The three pictures are the final things. The first one (from left to right) is the final one for the Studio Concept class. The other two are edits I did of the original one. I don’t know which one I like best, but yeah…

This was mostly based about my feelings during August and September. Depression, anxiety, dissociation, and all that jazz. Still fighting and going tho. So yeah…

君は できない できない できない子

この世で一番できない子

君は できない できない できない子

わたしがいなけりゃ死んでる子

君は できない できない できない子

悲しい悲しい出来損ない

君は できない できない できない子

わたしが助けて進ぜましょう

Lyrics from Useless Child by Kikou (Warning dark themes)