Choked

Choked

It occurred to me recently that if I was still with him I would never have been able to take this job. 

I work weekends and incredibly long hours some days. It's not a dream job or the end game, but it is definitely a very useful stepping stone.

He would not have cared about that. He would have looked at the hours and told me I couldn't take it.  Then he would have scolded me for not progressing. 

He wanted the tree to blossom but kept poisoning the roots.

When I met him, he lived with his folks in one of the small towns just outside of the city in which I live. It's a pretty cute town, but as you can imagine, I have some complicated feelings toward it.

Yesterday I spent some time there reading by the water. I've decided I will make peace with it. I will also spend time there, if I please, and not cower away from the prospect of running in to his parents or his sisters.

I am not ashamed, and I will not hide.

I just want to know what it's like to be happy again. Because I have been down so long my ribs have been sewn shut and I just don't remember what a happy day feels like anymore.

Here’s an idea:

(Sorry friends, this is an angry one)

Maybe you should fuck off trying to tell survivors how they should feel about their abusers.  Here’s a few reasons why: 

1. You don’t know shit about us or our stories.  

2. Your experience does not in any way dictate or predict the experiences of others.

3. Many survivors have been taught not to trust themselves. You are contributing to this problem with condescending advice that contradicts our instincts and mental health needs.

4.  The way we feel can change throughout the grieving/healing/recovery process. It’s confusing enough on its own; we don’t need your uninformed opinion further muddying the waters. We need to work this out.

5. Some of us can only move forward through forgiveness and reconciliation.  Some of us can only forge ahead fueled by our rage and hate.  Some of us fall somewhere in the middle.  These are all acceptable and reasonable.

6. Only we can decide what is best for us.  You do not know what is best for us.

Someone call River Laurent. Tell them that 1995 called and they want their horrible trope back.

@staff do you not have a toothpaste ad or something? Why do you keep showing me this horrible shit?

I am having trouble explaining the connection my brain made here, but the affection he showed the family dog made me realize just how touch and affection starved I was.

He and I had sex every night we were together, give or take, but that was it. Cuddling, holding hands, leaning on him, hell even hugs... It all made him hot, or uncomfortable, or prevented him from doing more important things.

So i stopped asking, and felt a longing when he gave the dog stritches.

He made me jealous of the dog. How messed up is that?