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7 Subtle Ways People Try to Sabotage Young Women
In my teens and twenties, people often told me I'd look great with short hair or suggested I buy clothing that didn't suit my figure, age, or personal style.
Their unsolicited "advice" confused me. For the longest time, I thought, why would you suggest this? Don't you have eyes in your head?
Oh, how young and naive I was.
Now, in my thirties, I know what all that poor unsolicited advice people dumped on me was about.
The point was to try to nerf my natural attractiveness and personality. That way, others who felt like they operated with less would look better in comparison.
Sabotage, especially subtle sabotage, can come in many forms. It's often disguised as advice or concern.
These are the most common ways people, intentionally or not, try to undermine young women.
Take the following "advice" with a grain of salt, even if coming from a close person.
🔪1. Appearance-Based Sabotage
Hair and makeup: Telling you to cut your hair shorter or wear less makeup, implying that you should be "less high-maintenance" or that natural looks are "more professional," when in reality, they may be trying to diminish your confidence or attractiveness.
Clothing: Suggesting you wear baggy or unflattering clothes under the guise of being "more comfortable" or "modest," which could be a way to make you appear less confident or attractive. Also suggesting clothing that ages you unnecessarily.
Body shaming: Making comments that subtly criticize your body, such as implying you should lose or gain weight, which can undermine your self-esteem.
🔪2. Career and Ambition Sabotage
Downplaying achievements: Minimizing your successes or implying they are due to luck rather than your skills, which can erode your confidence in your abilities.
Discouraging ambition: Telling you to be "realistic" or not aim too high, suggesting that you should settle for less in your career or personal goals.
"Nice girl" syndrome: Advising you to be more agreeable or not to assert yourself too much, as it might make you "unlikable" or "bossy," which can inhibit your leadership potential.
🔪3. Relationship Sabotage
Undermining relationships: Suggesting that you are "too picky" or should settle in your relationships, which can lead to accepting less from a partner than you deserve.
Toxic advice on boundaries: Encouraging you to ignore red flags or be more accommodating in relationships, which can lead to unhealthy dynamics.
🔪4. Emotional and Mental Sabotage
Gaslighting: Making you question your reality or decisions, leading to self-doubt.
Playing the victim: Acting hurt or upset when you succeed or make decisions for yourself, making you feel guilty for your achievements.
Competitive undermining: Subtly competing with you in a way that makes you feel less than, such as constantly comparing themselves to you or highlighting your flaws.
🔪5. Social and Networking Sabotage
Isolation: Encouraging you to distance yourself from certain people or networks that could be beneficial to you, under the guise of protecting you from "bad influences." When in reality these very people or networks could help you succeed in your career/school or lead to other opportunities to advance.
Gatekeeping: Withholding information, contacts, or opportunities that could help you advance, while pretending to be supportive.
🔪6. Critiquing Your Personality
Labeling assertiveness as aggression: Calling you "aggressive" or "too much" when you stand up for yourself, which can push you to be more passive.
Mocking your passions: Dismissing your hobbies or interests as childish or unimportant, which can make you doubt your own preferences and values.
🔪7. Advice to Conform
Encouraging compliance: Advising you to fit in or conform to certain norms, especially if those norms are limiting or don't align with your true self. (This is different from fitting in in environments where a certain level of professionalism is needed)
Discouraging uniqueness: Telling you that certain behaviors or styles are "too out there" or "not ladylike," pushing you to suppress your individuality.
Recognizing these behaviors is important so that you can protect yourself on time, i.e. before others manipulate you into making a choice that does you no favors.
Trusting your instincts, maintaining a strong sense of self, and surrounding yourself with genuinely supportive people can help you nip these negative influences in the bud.
How to Move On Faster and Build Resilience
Dwelling on past failures and worries gets me exactly nowhere. Lately I've been trying to improve myself with the goal of becoming someone who moves on extremely fast, with resilience.
I'm hoping this change will help me navigate life's challenges more effectively and make me feel better in the everyday. I've written before about my annoying limiting belief that I can't ...
Here are the notes and guidelines I've collected that help me cultivate the ability of moving on fast:
🌱 1. Change Your Perspective on Setbacks
View Setbacks as Temporary: Tough times don’t last forever. But challenges are a normal and frequent part of life. See challenges as hurdles, not roadblocks.
Focus on the Lessons: Every experience, good or bad, teaches me something valuable. Take those lessons and grow.
💖 2. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Be Kind to Yourself: Don’t beat yourself up when things go wrong. Again, something always goes wrong, this is life. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
Allow Yourself to Feel: It’s okay to feel. All feelings are valid. Process your emotions, and then gently move forward.
🌍 3. Practice Detachment
Recognize Impermanence: Change is the only constant. Embrace it, and let go of what no longer serves you.
Limit Emotional Investment: Care, but don’t over-invest in things beyond your control.
🧘♀️ 4. Strengthen Your Focus on the Present
Engage in Mindfulness: I'm the kind of person who can tend towards combative and destructive, so I have to remember to stay grounded in the now. It’s easy to get stuck in the past, but the present is where your power lies.
Break Tasks into Steps: Focus on what you can do next. Small steps lead to big changes. This sucks but it really works.
💪 5. Develop a Resilient Mindset
Embrace Flexibility: Life’s unpredictable. Be open to change, and adapt when necessary.
Build a Growth Mindset: See challenges as opportunities to grow, not reasons to give up.
🎯 6. Focus on What You Can Control
Act on the Controllable: Identify what you can change and take action. Let go of the rest.
Shift Your Energy: Move from dwelling on the past to creating a better present.
🌸 7. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences
Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. Realistic vibes only. I don't want positive vibes when unwarranted, and don't want negative vibes full-stop.
Limit Negative Inputs: Protect your energy by avoiding negativity, whether it’s people, media, or environments. Emphasis on the media. Don't listen to music with lyrics containing negative messages; they become part of your reality and conditioning.
🚀 8. Set Future-Oriented Goals
Visualize Success: Focus on where you want to go, not where you’ve been. Set your sights on new goals. My past is full of achievements, but I have to move forward and not rest on my laurels.
Take Small Steps: Break your goals into achievable actions. Small wins build momentum.
🏃♂️ 9. Engage in Physical Activity
Exercise Regularly: Movement is medicine. It boosts mood and resilience.
Practice Relaxation Techniques: Yoga, meditation, and deep breathing help reduce stress and enhance emotional strength.
🌟 10. Practice Gratitude
Focus on the Positive: Shift your mindset from loss to abundance by regularly acknowledging what you’re thankful for.
Keep a Gratitude Journal: Write down what you’re grateful for each day. It’s a powerful habit.
✨ 11. Accept and Let Go
Acknowledge Closure: Recognize when something is over, and consciously decide to move on.
Perform a Letting-Go Ritual: Do something symbolic to release what’s holding you back. Burn that letter, delete those old texts—whatever it takes.
🌈 12. Embrace the Process
Understand It Takes Time: Moving on fast doesn’t mean rushing your emotions. Heal in your own time, but keep moving forward.
Celebrate Progress: Every step, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction. Celebrate it.
Resilience isn’t about avoiding pain. It’s about bouncing back stronger each time. 💪🌻
Queen Letizia of Spain. We can only aspire to this level of rizz.
“Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives - choice, not chance, determines your destiny.”
—Aristotle
“Today is a great day in Hollywood.”
Me: When I first picked up a camera and discovered I wanted to do nothing more in this life than tell stories through the lens of a camera, everyone else thought I was dreaming too big. I didn’t have many mentors or peers that wanted to pursue a career in cinema and television that looked like me or came from neighborhoods similar to mine. Representation was scarce. Now, I pull energy, good vibes and high hopes from these faces: black and brown men and women telling OUR stories whether it be in front of the lens or behind it. I finally feel like my dreams are closer than they appear, obtainable even more so. Seeing this masterpiece created by Lacey Duke (as seen below), finally makes me feel like a part of a really cool, exclusive club. These are the portraits that will decorate the walls of my home someday. Follow #strongblacklead on IG now for more!
(Director Lacey Duke)
(Photo: Kwaku Alston/Netflix)
This project featured:
Ajiona Alexus (13 Reasons Why) Alfre Woodard (Luke Cage; Juanita) Alisha Boe (13 Reasons Why) Antoinette Robertson (Dear White People) Antonique Smith (Luke Cage) Ashley Blaine Featherson (Dear White People) Ava DuVernay (13th, Central Park Five) Brett Gray (On My Block) Britney Young (GLOW) Caleb McLaughlin (Stranger Things) Chante Adams (Roxanne Roxanne) Cheo Hodari Coker (Luke Cage) Danielle Brooks (Orange Is the New Black) Dawn Porter (Bobby Kennedy for President) DeRay Davis (How to Act Black) Derek Luke (13 Reasons Why) DeRon Horton (Dear White People) Gabrielle Dennis (Luke Cage) Hayley Law (Altered Carbon; Riverdale) Justin Simien (Dear White People) Justine Simmons (All About The Washingtons) Kano (Top Boy) Kat Graham (The Holiday Calendar; How It Ends) Kia Stevens (GLOW) Laverne Cox (Orange Is the New Black) Lena Waithe (Master of None; Dear White People; Step Sisters) Logan Browning (Dear White People) Marlon Wayans (Naked; Woke-ish) Marque Richardson (Dear White People; Step Sisters) Mike Colter (Luke Cage) Mustafa Shakir (Luke Cage) Nia Long (Roxanne Roxanne, Dear White People) Nia Jervier (Dear White People; Step Sisters) Priah Ferguson (Stranger Things) Quincy Brown (The Holiday Calendar) Rapsody (Rapture) Rev Run (All About The Washingtons) Russell Hornsby (Seven Seconds) Sacha Jenkins (Rapture) Samantha Logan (13 Reasons Why) Sierra Capri (On My Block) Simone Missick (Luke Cage) Spike Lee (She’s Gotta Have It) Steven Silver (13 Reasons Why) Sydelle Noel (GLOW) Vaneza Oliveira (3%) Yance Ford (Strong Island)
This photo was inspired by ‘A Great Day in Harlem’, a 1958 black-and-white group portrait of 57 notable jazz musicians photographed in front of a brownstone in Harlem, New York City by Art Kane.
Netflix’s Strong Black Lead project even featured behind-the-scenes footage and photos of the talent celebrating this milestone in Hollywood together.
Let’s keep it up!
remember that time JJ and Morgan pretended to be a couple to make the racist guy uncomfortable? #LegendsOnly
Samwell Tarly as the Page of Pentacles
A Tarot of Ice and Fire @toadpeee
I’ve always had a deep admiration for black beauty.
