Things He Said - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

He used to tell me that if I tried to say no to sex that I was being manipulative. My witholding was "punishing" him in an emotionally abusive way.

So I'd wipe the tears off my face, take a few deep breaths and let him have whatever he wanted.

I can smile and turn on the charm and climb on top of your dick five minutes after you called me a useless cunt. I’m so good at at “ getting over it ” for you; I can swallow my pain and rage for an eternity.

For anyone who needs to hear it, no, you don't deserve to be lit on fire, die in misery, be punched in the face, spit on, called a fucking loser, lowlife, lazy cunt, be raped by anyone or drowned in the sink because you didn't finish the laundry.

It seems I need to remind myself too.

I have left a load of clothes in the washer for some days. I didn't forget, I'm just struggling with laundry head wise right now as I'm trying to sort and get rid of things.

If I were in the same situation while with him, he would scream and berrate me, which would put me back into action and the laundry would be in the dryer and hung.

I can tell that I have not yet completed the healing process, because I asked myself if maybe that's what I need.

My partner and I watch this channel together. The guy who runs the channel now plays games as incorrectly as he can which is usually good for a laugh.

We watched this one (an old one) last night where they played "It's You: A Breakup Story". The conversation in game was... so unbelievably real.

It was just strange to watch the player's indignant responses to remarks that I used to endure regularly.

If you decide to watch it, it may be uncomfortable if you've been abused. The guys playing are funny and appropriately appalled, so I was ok. However if you are still in early days of healing you may want to consider not watching.

Watch "It's You: A Breakup Story - CLICK! OOPS THE CALL "DROPPED" - Let's Game It Out" on YouTube

A quote.

Abuser, while insulting you, threatening you, dehumanizing you and/or beating you: Stop making me look like the bad guy

Joyless Giving

The holidays have some truly terrible memories for me, but every year was miserable with a person like him.

Giving him gifts filled me with such dread.  He was so particular. If he didn’t like a gift, he'd tell you and he’d also berate you for being stupid. This wasn’t exclusive to me, but it was heightened to dangerous levels for me.

I would call him a spoiled brat if his hissy fits weren’t so terrifyingly violent.

Sometimes he was easy and said “This is what I want.” It may put me in debt, but at least I wasn’t going to be spit-screamed at.

Other years it was “buy me a new wardrobe” and refusing to answer follow up questions. I was panic-stricken; making the wrong decisions was Bad™, and with such vague instructions I was destined to mess something up.

I used to like giving gifts, but now I approach it with apprehension. He took the joy out of it. 

He took the joy out of everything.

Double Standard Series - Episode 1

Example 1.  When we were still teenagers, he had a bearded dragon. One of its favourite things to eat was mixed greens.

He made me wash and scrub each leaf individually.  An entire package of this shit.  It would take me over an hour.

On a rare occasion where he volunteered to do the cleaning, I walked in on him washing the lettuce en masse in a colander. You know, the way any other reasonable person would.

I asked why I was forced to clean it in such an over-the-top way. He told me that I was inherently lazy and that if he didn’t give me very specific, detailed, and meticulous instructions that I would slack and his animal would die.

He was protecting his animal and making me a better person at the same time.  He was insulted that I didn’t see it that way.

Double Standards Series- Episode 2

If I was sick I had to sleep on the couch to protect his health and make sure I didn't keep him awake with coughing, etc.

If he was sick I had to sleep on the couch because what kind of woman would make her man sleep somewhere other than his bed when he was sick.

Damned if you don’t

I hated running into people we both knew after he’d kicked me out.

He'd sent me to buy him dinner one night and his cousin was at the restaurant.  In retrospect I am confident she would not have known that I was aware she was there.  To be honest, I saw her for only a moment before looking away and my back was to her for the remainder of my time there.

I was his ex as far as his family was concerned, and wasn’t keen on an awkward conversation. Plus, I didn’t see who her companion was; she could have been on a date. So I kept to myself, went to the bar, paid, and left.

I told him that I saw his cousin with someone. If I ever went anywhere and someone told him that they saw me, but I didn’t mention it, he’d lose it.  He’d say I was withholding information and this was evidence that I was the same monstrous slut I always was.

So I told him and as per the usual, he used that information to torture me. 

He did some investigation to see who his cousin was with.  He made a point to call and tell me his sister and his cousin were very offended that I chose not to say hello. He said they congratulated him on being rid of me.

That’s possible I guess. But I’m calling bullshit. Just another opportunity to make me feel terrible.

Damned if you do.

If I had stopped an spoken to his cousin and his sister, he would have found some fault in what I said.

If I kept it to small talk, I would have been shallow and insincere.  If I told them how I was doing at work, I would have been making myself seem more important that I was. If I talked about him, I would have been embarrassing him by including myself in his life.  If I asked about them, I would have been prying for information on him that I was not entitled to.

I had to be honest.  But not too honest.  And not honest at all about certain things - arbitrary topics that he picked that I was not privy to until I had already committed the “crime”.

No matter what decision it was, it was always the wrong decision.  Simply because I made it.

Just Damned In General

I ran into a mutual acquaintance of ours fairly recently after it all came out and he kicked me out.

This acquaintance asked me if I was still with him.  I said no.

I think I told him I’d run into this guy and that I had be honest.  He lost it.  Of course. I remember asking him what I should have said instead so I could learn.  He didn’t have an answer for that.

Among the fresh barrage of insults, he told me that I had sealed my fate and that this guy and all his friends were going to start to add me to social media to try to be the “next in line.”  He wouldn’t be with anyone like that.  

None of this was true, of course. None of these people have reached out to me since. But it was the end of my world for me at the time.  

I’m so anxious and stressed after writing those last three posts.  It’s so hard to believe that I felt I was better off in this mess.

Double standards series - Episode 6

Washing dishes made his hands dry and cracked. So that job was assigned to me. Exclusively. Forever. No solution to be found.

Conveniently, gloves, every kind that has ever been made, allegedly would give him a rash - even for the 2 minutes it would take him to wash his own cup and plate. There was no actual evidence of this.

When i showed him my own dry, cracked hands, he told me to stop complaining.

I get hugs all day from my partner now. ESPECIALLY when I dont think I deserve one.

My humanity ebbing away.

“Can I have a hug?”

“What makes you think you deserve one?”

Being sick is an Excuse:  Episode 3

I had mono about 9 years ago.  I was awake for 4ish hours a day, and just could not function for the rest.  He could have threatened me with a knife and I wouldn’t have woken up or moved.

I spent my 4 hours of consciousness taking care of him while he sat on his computer and played video games.  Cooked his dinner and lunches (I couldn’t swallow without immense pain, so I don’t think I ate?), did laundry, washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and then passed out.

Most people would help/comfort their partner.  Him? 

“Well if you’re going to be allowed to slack so much, you need to make up for it.”

The worst is when he did it to my parents. I felt so bad for them and ashamed of him. I don't ever need to worry about that again, and that eases some stress during the holidays.

I hope you all find some peace tonight and throughout the year to come. You deserve it.

Joyless Giving

The holidays have some truly terrible memories for me, but every year was miserable with a person like him.

Giving him gifts filled me with such dread.  He was so particular. If he didn’t like a gift, he’d tell you and he’d also berate you for being stupid. This wasn’t exclusive to me, but it was heightened to dangerous levels for me.

I would call him a spoiled brat if his hissy fits weren’t so terrifyingly violent.

Sometimes he was easy and said “This is what I want.” It may put me in debt, but at least I wasn’t going to be spit-screamed at.

Other years it was “buy me a new wardrobe” and refusing to answer follow up questions. I was panic-stricken; making the wrong decisions was Bad™, and with such vague instructions I was destined to mess something up.

I used to like giving gifts, but now I approach it with apprehension. He took the joy out of it. 

He took the joy out of everything.

Being sick is an Excuse: Episode 6

He hated when I took time off work when I was sick.  (As a side, he is ABSOLUTELY the asshole who goes to work sick as fuck, not caring who he spreads it to.  And no, he’s definitely not living paycheque to paycheque).

On one occasion I was feeling particularly bad.  He threatened that I better not take a sick day.  So I “got ready for work”, left, called into the office, and then went to the doctor’s.  After getting my script, I found a parking lot far away from our place where I was sure he wouldn’t find me and tried to sleep until he left for his afternoon shift.  I jumped any time my phone made a noise because I was terrified he would find out I wasn’t at work.

For the record, I had a handful of paid sick days.  There was no reason for me to have to go.

I’m in a healthy relationship now, and this is absolutely fucking ludicrous.

Phew!

When we were teenagers, our plan was to “leapfrog”.  He was going to make a certain amount of money, and then I would have to do whatever I could to find a job that made more money.  Then we would reverse and repeat.

I finished university in 2010.  The job market was BLEAK.  He worked in the trades, and I had a philosophy degree.  Naturally, I worked in retail, and made no where near what he did.  He continued to move up in his position, and so did I, but I could never catch him. Throughout the years, this was the number one excuse he used to harm me.

Things have improved since then, though I still don’t make as much money as he did.  Recently, I wondered what would have happened if I had “leapfrogged” like he’d wanted me to.  Then I remembered a story.

About 10-12 years ago I applied to work for the RCMP.

(Don’t judge me man, I was young and desperate. I also had some romantic notion that I could help SA survivors as a detective. Knowing what I know now about the institution, I am VERY glad it didn’t work out for me )

He was furious with me for applying; he said he hated cops, but I think he hated the idea of me having authority (and access to a weapon) more.

Then he let his plans slip.  He told me if I became an RCMP officer, he would wait until I made excellent money and then leave me.  Then he would cash in on the spousal support and take money from me forever.

So sorry that didn’t work out you, brah.  I hope the woman you’re with now leaves you and takes every cent you have.

I don't know exactly what the original post said before the angel teathattast (or a contemporary) fixed it, but I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

He was absolutely that guy.

*gag*