Actually Bipolar - Tumblr Posts

Oof what a difficult choice

The funny part is that, I do not even want to die.

I am just genuinely left with no options.

having bipolar and being told you have it for the rest of your life with no cure feels so unreal to me.

[This user has mood swings.]

Context under the cut

I'm kidding only close friends get context

Only reason Alex knows is cause

1) He's engaged to my cousin

2) His brother is married to my brother

So yeah we're basically related

Manic fixation of the day: punching everything

IF THIS DOESN’T ACCURATELY CAPTURE THE EUPHORIC PARTS OF MANIA I DON’T KNOW WHAT DOES

Having a life-threatening mental illness and med non-compliance or complacency with taking meds has got to be one of the top worst combinations ever wtf

An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.

Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.

The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.

This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.

Ain’t nothing like avoiding your therapy sessions so your therapist doesn’t discover you’re manic or off meds again, avoiding their disappointment, avoiding the immediate hospitalization you know would come from that

Unsure if I’m missing out on something or just missing something

Pretty sure I’m splitting on a friend. But if it’s for my own good is it technically splitting??

My manic, right now, feels… very normal. And now I am second-guessing if I am actually bipolar or if self diagnosed to BPD is in my head. Like maybe I'm just a normal person that sometimes gets very depressed and doesn't know how to handle it.

I recently heard a story about a diagnosed BPD patient and it seems so far off from me but not really. Like the more extreme version of what I go through every day. Granted they were on drugs very heavily but still…

Like I have a more tame version of BPD… BPD Lite™️ if you will lol.

Or maybe I just want it to be BPD because it's "cool" and not just Bipolar II. Obviously I know there's nothing cool about being borderline. And obviously I'm a phony.

I don't know I just feel like a different person every day and I feel like I've been a fake version of normal for a couple of months. But it feels great to be “normal”.

Maybe it's the lack of drugs. I'm almost certain the lack of drugs is what makes my mental health a little bit more stable.

Maybe my mental health really just depends on what is going on with my life. What mental illness is that?? Or is that even mental illness?

I wonder if narcissism affects how BPD presents itself in a person. I feel like that's the case for me. Like I have a little bit more control over it or like it's a lot easier to mask to other people.

Boy oh boy am I spilling my guts lol. I may delete this eventually maybe I will regret this when I'm famous. Or maybe this will be relatable to someone. I'm 30 so who really cares at this point lol. But I do very much care about what people think of me so maybe I will delete this tomorrow. For now I'll keep this up… This is just a very odd stream of thoughts I guess.

Enjoy my tumblr post I guess

I so wish I could tell her everything and how to avoid it...

i thought it was hard, i knew nothing

I don't know why, but I relate so much more to bpd posts instead of bipolar posts????? I don't get it man

“the intrusive thoughts won” “that’s psychotic” “i’m so delusional haha” “narcissistic abuse” “the weather is so bipolar” SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

I'm still super anxious, have been for a few days in a row, feel so exhausted but can't calm down.

Either I’m going to get wasted tonight and draw nsfw art or mindlessly running dungeons.

🥃 cheers, I’m out

another sleepless night

Wishing all "trans"abled people a horrible disability pride month because it's not yours. You abelist fuck. You don't deserve anything.

Reblog if you're a real disabled person.

bitches have complicated feelings about me due to my inconsistent swag