Tw Sexual Assault - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
Mithrun's desire as an SA analogue
TW discussion of SA and detailed breakdown of aesthetics evoking SA. The way I discuss this is vivid in a way that may be triggering, though there is no discussion of actual sexual assault. Just survivor's responses to it.
People relate to Mithrun and see his condition as an analogue for a few different things, like brain injury or depression. And I think all of them are there. But I also see Mithrun's story as an SA analogue, and Ryoko Kui intentionally evokes those aesthetics. I think it's a part of Mithrun's character that a lot of people miss, but I very much consider it text. This is partially inspired by @heird99's post on what makes this scene so disturbing; so check out their post, too :)
So to start off with, the demon invades Mithrun's bed, specifically. There's even a canopy around it, which specifically evokes this idea of personal intrusion; the barrier is being pulled apart without consent or warning. The way the hand reaches towards Mithrun's body from outside of the panel division makes it almost look like the goat stroking over his body. It's an especially creepy visual detail; similarly, the goat's right hand parts into the side of the panel as well. It's literally like it's tearing the page apart; but gently. So gently.
Mithrun is in bed. It is his bed that the demon is intruding on. He's in a position of intimacy. The woman behind him is a facsimile of his "beloved" that he left behind; the woman who, in reality, chose Mithrun's brother. He is in bed with his fantasy lover, who is leaning over him. While this scene isn't explicitly sexual, it is intimate. And it is being invaded. The goat lifts Mithrun gently, who is confused, but not yet struggling.
The erotics of consumption and violence in Ryoko Kui's work(remember that the word 'erotic' can have many different meanings, please) are a... notable part of some of her illustrations. I would say she blurs the lines between all forms of desire: personal, sexual, gustatory and carnal, in her illustrations in order to emphasize the pure desire she wants to work with and evoke to serve her themes. Kui deploys sexual imagery in a lot of places in Dungeon Meshi, and this is one of them.
In this case, horrifically. The goat's assault begins with drooling, licking, and nuzzling. The goat could be enjoying and "playing with" its food. But it can also be interpreted as it "preparing" Mithrun with its tongue as it begins to literally breach Mithrun's body. The goat also invades directly through his clothing; that adds another level of disturbing to me. There's nothing Mithrun can do in this moment of violation. Mithrun is fighting, but he is fighting weakly, trying to grip on and push away when he has no ability or option to. All he can do is beg the goat to stop. And it doesn't care. This all evokes sexual assault.
The sixth panel demonstrates a somewhat sexual position, with Mithrun's thighs spread around the goat's hunched over body. In the next, the goat pulls and holds apart Mithrun's thighs as he nuzzles into him. The way the clothing bunches up looks a bit as if it has been pushed up. It has pinned Mithrun down onto the bed, into Mithrun's soft furs and pillows. It takes a place made to be supernaturally warm and comfortable, and violates it. It's utterly and intimately horrifying. To me, this sequence of positions directly evokes a rape scene. I think Kui did this very explicitly. These references to sexual invasion are part of what makes this scene so disturbing; albeit, to many viewers, subconsciously. It makes my skin crawl.
This is also the moment the goat takes Mithrun's eye. Other than this, the goat seems exceptionally strong, but also... gentle. It holds Mithrun's body tightly, but moves it around slowly. It doesn't need to hurt Mithrun physically. But in that moment, it takes Mithrun's eye. Blood seeps from a wound while an orifice that should not be pierced is penetrated. This moment, the ooze of blood in one place specifically, also evokes rape. That single bit of physical gore is a very powerful bit of imagery to me.
Finally; it is Mithrun's desire that is eaten. After his assault, Mithrun can find no pleasure in things that he once did. He is fully disassociated from his emotions. This is a common response to trauma, especially in the case of SA. It's not uncommon for people to never, or take a long time to, enjoy sex in the same way again; or at all. They might feel like their rapist has robbed them of a desire and pleasure they once had. I think this makes Mithrun's lack of desire a partial analogue for the trauma of sexual assault.
Mithrun's desire for revenge was, supposedly, all that remained. Anger at his assaulter, anger at every being that was like it; though, perhaps not anger. Devotion, in a way. To his cause. I don't know. But the immediate desire to seek revenge is another response to SA. But on to Mithrun's true feelings on the matter.
This is... So incredibly tragic. Mithrun feels used up. Like his best parts have been taken away. Like he's being... tossed aside. This certainly parallels the way assault victims can feel after being left by an abuser. Or the way assault victims feel they might be "ruined" forever for other partners. These are common sentiments for survivors to carry, and need to overcome. In the text, it's almost like Mithrun feels the only being who can desire him is a demon who might "finish devouring" him. That that's his only use. It's worth noting that Mithrun trusted the demon. Mithrun's world was built by the demon, and Mithrun, in that way, was cared for by the demon. I think this reinforces Mithrun's place as a victim.
There's also something to be said about Mithrun as a victim of his own possessive romantic and sexual desire. The mirror shows him his beloved just dining with his brother, and it infuriates him. He doesn't know if the vision is real, nor if she has really chosen his brother as a romantic partner. The goat then creates a whole fantasy world where she loves him. As Mithrun's dungeon deteriorates, she is the only person that continues to exist. Mithrun continues to have control over her. And that is the strongest desire the demon is eating, isn't it? There's something interesting there, but I don't know what to say about it.
In conclusion, I think Mithrun's story is an explicit analogue for sexual assault-- though, certainly, among other things! The way the scene plays out and is composed explicitly references sexual violation and invasion of the body. His condition mirrors common trauma responses to sexual violence. And, at the end, he finally realizes he can recover.
Let's end on a happy Mithrun, after taking the first step on his journey to recovery :) You aren't vegetable scraps Mithrun. But even if you were-- every single thing in this world has value. Even vegetable scraps.
hello everyone,
please be careful on april 24th. either stay home, or have someone with you, be armed and ready to defend yourselves.
some pussy and his friends spread the word about april 24th, creating a ‘national’ holiday called ‘national r*pe day’. i’ve seen a lot of women post about it on tiktok, but i haven’t seen any post on tumblr.
stay safe, i love you all so much and i hope those people fucking rot in hell for that shit.
LONG POST, SEE TAGS TO MUTE
Social abuse
they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life
they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life
they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with
they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy
they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone
their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company
they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them
they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public
they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends
they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings
they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine
they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful
they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through
they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others
they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes
they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it
they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy
Emotional abuse
they yell at me even when I’m already crying
they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough
they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”
when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me
they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them
they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller
they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them
they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing
they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing
they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs
when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work
they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past
they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again
they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work
it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs
they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return
they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all
if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead
they’ve cheated on me before
they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them
they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness
they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared
they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies
they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted
they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it
they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved
they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them
they lied to me about having other relationships or being married
they make me feel like I’m hard to love
they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me
they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me
they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it
I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do
I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important
I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty
I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me
I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did
I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me
I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it
I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time
I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.
I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.
I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.
I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.
I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.
I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.
I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.
I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.
I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.
they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave
Psychological abuse
they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards
they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt
they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life
they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic
they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation
they question my choices until I start doubting them myself
they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices
they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love
they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)
they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me
they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)
they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)
they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)
I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset
they make me comfort them when they hurt me
they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation
they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant
they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts
they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful
they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)
they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)
Body control
they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence
they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself
they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body
they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions
they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices
they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse
they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw
they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)
Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)
Physical abuse
they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically
they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again
they make it clear that they want to hit me
they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me
they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)
they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)
they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with
they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say
they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed
they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me
I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me
they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger
Social abuse
they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life
they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life
they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with
they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy
they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone
their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company
they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them
they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public
they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends
they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings
they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine
they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful
they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through
they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others
they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes
they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it
they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy
Emotional abuse
they yell at me even when I’m already crying
they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough
they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”
when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me
they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them
they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller
they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them
they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing
they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing
they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs
when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work
they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past
they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again
they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work
it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs
they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return
they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all
if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead
they’ve cheated on me before
they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them
they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness
they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared
they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies
they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted
they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it
they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved
they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them
they lied to me about having other relationships or being married
they make me feel like I’m hard to love
they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me
they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me
they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it
I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do
I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important
I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty
I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me
I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did
I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me
I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it
I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time
I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.
I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.
I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.
I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.
I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.
I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.
I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.
I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.
I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.
they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave
Psychological abuse
they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards
they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt
they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life
they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic
they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation
they question my choices until I start doubting them myself
they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices
they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love
they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)
they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me
they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)
they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)
they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)
I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset
they make me comfort them when they hurt me
they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation
they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant
they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts
they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful
they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)
they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)
Body control
they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence
they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself
they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body
they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions
they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices
they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse
they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw
they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)
Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)
they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances
they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things
they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)
they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me
they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income
they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do
they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)
they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it
they lie to me about finances and our current standing
they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)
I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings
I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble
I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose
they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances
Sexual abuse (tw rape)
they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”
they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act
they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me
they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me
I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex
they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing
if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards
I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do
they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them
they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to
they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before
they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so
they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze
they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me
they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing
they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me
they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex
they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex
they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex
they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with
they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act
they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey
they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex
they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually
they demand a lot of sexual attention but refuse to give any to me
they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way
they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually
they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)
they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others
*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being
If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.
I still remember that night, you know. Even though its been almost a year and we haven't talked since then.
I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to let you stay over. To watch a movie, of all things, after how much you'd hurt me. After you tried to hookup with me just for being trans when you were already engaged to someone across the ocean. After you had rejected me asking you out for the reason that you were taken, I was okay with that because I didn't know, you still wanted other things when I came out to you later.
I still remember you tackling me, over and over, and us both laughing because I didn't mind the joke until our lips kept brushing together too much to be accidental and you bit my neck while I couldn't move away because you're a lot fucking stronger than you look.
God, that was so fucking wrong, that's why I got up from the couch and went to my room. But you followed me and tackled me onto my bed and did the same until you were fucking straddling me and holding my arms down again. I was trying to get away from you, to breathe and tell myself you were just joking around as a friend. I wasn't inviting you in there.
I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't looked so uncomfortable and told you to leave.
Its been a year and we haven't talked since but I still remember that night like it was a week ago. But I bet you don't remember at all, do you?
Amazing how even after 3 years just unexpectedly hearing his name made me freeze up and feel sick again
I've tried googling this, there's nothing.
Does anyone have advice from experience or links to an article for dealing with a fear of other people being in my home?
I don't feel unsafe in my home, I'm comfortable here alone. I don't worry someone's hiding in my house. But after a situation happened I have a fear of inviting people I know and love into my home, even just for a visit.
Cw police brutality
I’ve listened to the neil gaiman podcast. Here is a recap of the allegations and trigger warning I will talk about it in detail. This is an incredibly complex situation, so take care of yourself
Scarlett, one of the victims, met Amanda Palmer (Neil’s ex wife) and became friends with her. Scarlett was out of work and started to do odd jobs for Amanda and eventually starts doing some babysitting/nannying for them. It sounds like she was already very close to Amanda at this point.
So far I’ve seen her kind of referred to as just an employee and while it is factually true, I don’t think it’s completely honest. She was very much a personal friend of Amanda’s first and clearly had many interactions with Amanda that were not strictly professional. What I’m saying is that the boundaries between employee and personal friend were blurred from the beginning. Though blame still falls on Amanda/Neil for mixing personal and professional boundaries and not on the victim. I just point it out to say all three were already acting inappropriately for an employer/employee relationship
The first night she meets Neil Gaiman, he alleges that he asked her if she wanted to take an outdoor bath (I’m assuming this is a hot tub) together. Her story is that she did not know he would join her in the bath. He was naked but she thought it might be “normal” because she was used to seeing Amanda naked often. He says that the shared bath was consensual. She says that he pressured her into giving him a handjob and when she said no, he said she was “missing out” and he masturbated in the tub with her and then penetrated her anally with his fingers. His account was that this instance was only consensual cuddling and making out. She is clearly uncomfortable during this scene and any consent that may have given does not seem genuine. She does end up messaging him that night, “Thank you for a lovely, lovely night. Wow. Kiss”
From there however, they continue to have sexual encounters involving some potentially extreme BDSM scenes. In WhatsApp messages she repeatedly consents/expresses a a desire for these encounters. She tells a friend the sex is “rough” and “amazing”. There are A LOT of messages with clear and enthusiastic consent and love for Neil.
One message from Scarlett read: "I am consumed by thoughts of you, the things you will do to me, I'm so hungry. What a terrible creature you've turned me into. I think you need to give me a huge spanking very soon. I'm fucking desperate for my master."
"I may be ill [covid] but I am lying here with my sick little mind wondering into terrible, filthy, dark places, and I want you to, if I'm lucky, occasionally instruct me with naughty things to do so that I can fill all this alone time imagining your cruelty. I'm sorry, I'm such a desperate and perverted and kinky sad little girl. What do they say? When you play with fire"
Neil’s replies are described as neutral, affectionate, brief, and non committal. At least via messages it seems like Scarlett was the one perusing sexual contact.
She goes on to describe one encounter as so painful she blacked out and he hadn’t noticed and had left to watch rehearsal tapes? And that she had been bleeding? This encounter was very unclear, violent seeming but hazy. It’s really unclear what happened to her. It sounds like it might have been painful anal sex. Potentially consensual in words, but she clearly was not taken care of. He alleges that he only ever penetrated her with his fingers.
At some point she tells a friend about these encounters and the friend points out the power imbalance and tells Amanda. Scarlett says to Neil in clear terms that everything was consensual and though it may have “crossed boundaries at the start” everything after was consensual.
EDIT FOR CONTEXT: the beginning of this conversation opens with Neil saying: "Honestly, when Amanda told me that you are telling people I'd raped you and were planning to Me Too me, I wanted to kill myself. But I'm getting through it a day at a time."
Scarlett: "Oh my god, Neil. I never said that. I have been deeply upset about it all because it's triggered things from my past and also for many reasons. I feel whiplash. But I am horrified by your message." [more messages inbetween] "I have never used the word rape. I am just so shocked. I honestly don't know what to say."
Neil: "It was very unstabilizing. I spent a week actively not killing myself, if you see what I mean."
Scarlett: "I feel like bawling my eyes out. I would never Me Too you. I don't where that came from, and I have told Amanda that even though it began questionably, eventually it was undoubtedly consensual and I enjoyed it. Heart is pounding too."
Neil: "Knowing that you would be prepared to say it's not true, it was consensual, he's not a monster, makes me a lot more grounded."
Scarlet: "It was consensual. How many times do I have to fucking tell everyone?"
It has to be said that Neil implying he considered suicide over this adds context to Scarlett’s messages of consent and how true those feelings were at the time. It was incredibly manipulative on his end.
Scarlett seems to go through some pretty traumatic life events outside of this situation and is hospitalized for suicidal thoughts (actions? unclear). Neil sends her messages of support, which she now in hindsight finds it was his way of pulling her back in. She asks Neil to pay her rent and Neil agrees to. Neil’s bookkeepers ask her to sign an NDA, not specifically about any allegations but just talking about his personal life overall. She admits to not reading the NDA.
EDIT 2: I believe the timeline of Scarlett’s hospitalization occurred before she messaged Neil and said their relation was consensual.
She does end up filing a police report in summer 2022 but receives rent payments until winter 2022 and drops contact with Neil completely Jan 2023. She says her view of their relationship changed after her hospitalization.
It is clear from this situation that Neil did act inappropriately but this is not a black and white situation overall. Their first encounter in the tub is very disturbing. The texts/relationship after are very complex and I’m not qualified to place judgement.
Now important point I want to make about this podcast and its reporting. These podcasters are vehemently against BDSM and they made it clear they don’t think BDSM can ever be consensual. I think critiquing this podcast itself is a discussion worth having. I find this podcast to be pretty biased in that sense. An “expert” they have on as a guest says, “the idea that you can consent to degradation is such a stupid idea. Only men can think this up.” I’m not saying that Neil engaged in BDSM with these women in a healthy or consensual way, however the podcasters make it clear that they don’t believe BDSM could ever be consensual and they consider these acts as blanket abuse in any situation.
The second victim K, did meet Neil at 18 however they had no sexual/romantic contact until she was 20. She says,"I never wanted any of the stuff he did to me, including the violent stuff, but I did consent to it." Neil says they were in a two year relationship that was completely consensual. He says that he has record of hundreds of emails between the two of them that never show any sign of distress. K began to become upset that Neil did not plan on leaving his marriage (open at the time I believe?) or ever make their relationship public. Unfortunately it does feel like K consented to things she didn’t necessarily want to keep Neil in her life.
She alleges that they did not use lube during sex and it was often painful for her. During one encounter she alleges she told him not to penetrate her due to a UTI and he did so anyway.
K and Neil have an argument that leads him to break the relationship. He leaves, and buys a plane ticket home. K buys a ticket on the same flight, follows him onto the plane and begs him not to end their relationship. Security ends up removing her from the plane. They continue to email from 2008-2022 pleasantly and flirtatiously.
The podcast reached out to other sexual partners of Neil’s and they did not have any stories of misbehavior.
Overall, this isn’t a clear cut situation. Neil clearly did take advantage of his celebrity and position of power and failed to protect these women. He was the instigator in all these relationships and he does seem to seek out younger more inexperienced partners. Partners who don’t seem to have the social/mental footing to consent properly. There are times where he clearly crossed boundaries and assaulted these women. The bath/hot tub and UTI instances were clearly not appropriate consensual acts.
But I think there’s a discussion worth having about intentionally lying about your consent. Hindsight and experience can certainly recontextualize everything and I understand why they may have consented in the moment. The pressures they were under etc. They clearly at times felt like they couldn’t say no in some ways. But they also both actively perused the relationship and admit to giving clear verbal consent often. I very very much feel for these women and I’m so sorry that they had such a negative experience.
I have no answers on any of this and it’s not my job or place to. I hope this recap provides more context and that everyone comes away knowing that this is not a black and white issue.
I also hope everyone does not tie their identity/enjoyment of good omens/his other works on this. We as fans are not responsible for the actions of others. Our engagement with Neil’s work is not an excusal or support of his actions. We are not responsible for what he has done in his personal life. If you end up seeing posts that imply you are somehow a bad person if you engage with his works now, that is not a healthy or good take.
Be critical, be open to the facts as they develop, find where your comfortability with engaging in his works is, and do not tell others how they have to feel/act about this situation.
Much love to you all as this situation unfolds
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(Source)
Submitted four poems into various competitions today!
here's a snippet from one of them
// mentions/implications of sexual abuse in religious contexts //
but if God exists i'd like to hit him in the head for old habits die hard and being in his house causes my body to shake and my heart to palpitate for his memory lies in the organ the screams fuel the song of silence and the pipes swell twice their size ~ If God Exists (2024)
Tw // sexual assault discussions, CSA
"The word 'rape' is really harsh. But at the same time, I had to leave my body mentally in order to stay physically there. Then it's against your will."
I found this quote in a book today (the book is called "Cult Trip" by Anke Richter if you're interested - I do recommend it, but look up the trigger warnings; it contains graphic descriptions of sexual assault). I think it's important for people to hear, especially SA survivors, like we are. <3
Sending love to anyone who relates
Host & Protector Amber on host's journey to accepting their system (a rather bitsy post)
(colours used to differentiate who said what)
Host: it's been a long road, and I'm nowhere near done but… One of the hardest things to accept when I realised I have a system was accepting that DID isn't bad. DID systems aren't inherently dangerous. They're not any more likely to be abusers than the general population.
I knew so in theory from watching documentaries, researching, listening to podcast and reading people's experiences with DID. However.. personal experience often outweighs rationed research.
TW, talk of sexual assault, harassment, grooming, abuse, abusers using DID as a scapegoat
I was groomed extensively by a person who claimed to have DID.
Host: I knew they'd tried to SA me however I was told, by them, that they never got to the point of actually doing it, and that their “primary protector” had stopped "their bad alter" from raping me. [Amber: our trauma holders have things to be said about that]
but in doing so, their likely faking of DID, and hiding under a guise of "that wasn't me" "my bad alter did that" "we have bad alters!" lead to me developing a deep-rooted fear of anyone who said they had DID/OSDD, including to the point of denying any possiblity we could have it.
[Amber: when I did call them out on touching us inappropriately, they blamed it on one of their other alters.]
I didn't need Split to scare me into believing DID systems were bad, I had someone I knew, and at the time, respected, do it for me.
From my perspective, everything in my life fell apart.
It was only after I had vanished into our internal world for several months did I start to feel safe to ask questions. I started writing to Amber and everyone else.
Amber: I wrote back pretty much as soon as I saw host had written to me - they'd addressed me by name, so I wrote back and explained my role. And they flipped out even further. We didn't see our host for months.
Not only did they disappear in headspace, but they wouldn't float in and out of the fronting space like they did previously. They wouldn't front, or track in Simply Plural, write, or comment on anything. I thought they'd gone dormant for a while.
Eventually they fronted, and asked myself and a couple of our friends, “Is there anyone in our system who would hurt anyone?”
I and one of our best friends explained that there wasn't. Luckily for us, our host trusts that friend implicitly and combined with my note of "everyone in our system would rather kill themselves than hurt anyone else" they started to believe us. Slowly but surely they started relaxing, and believing me, and being willing to speak in therapy.
And in return, our brain has finally let them appear solidly enough in the internal world that some of us can see and interact with them.
I finally got to hug them.
All I can say right now, I am so fucking proud of how far our host has come in the last couple of years. They've grown, matured and fought through so much shit lately, I couldn't be prouder. I feel like an older sister saying so, but it's so true.
Moral of the story; fakers suck ass. Hosts take time to come around to being in systems. Do your research.
And most importantly, be kind to your hosts and your system members. Take care of them. They may not front the most, they may not be the bravest people on the planet, they may not even know anything about the system, but our role as system members is to love and support our hosts and other sys members, come hell or high water.
Don't be afraid to reach out to people. You don't have to do this with just your system. <3
Why do you say medically recognized system rather than diagnosed?
Good question; it boils down to how we access our therapy.
New Zealand has a recovery program covered by ACC (accident compensation corporation) for all New Zealanders that have experienced sexual assault within the country. To qualify, an individual must meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD) related to the sexual assault event/s. If they reach the diagnostic criteria for PSTD, the assessor/s will submit a recommendation for long term support, which in our case was approved. From there, individuals find a support person, councillor/therapist/psychologist, or whatever works for them, and their support person will communicate with ACC regarding the person's recovery.
The accessors we had completely refused to screen for DID, despite the referral including a recommendation to screen for it, and us already being suspicious of our dissociative symptoms and experiences aligning with that of OSDD/DID. We received a formal diagnosis of PSTD with high level dissociation. From there, we found a psych who had experience with DID, PSTD, and sexual trauma.
Jay, our therapist supports us and recognises our system, dissociative experiences, and other DID symptoms. When he submitted our recovery report, stated that we had DID, and that they would aid in our trauma recovery; integration, functional multiplicity or whatever pathway we decided to take.
The recovery team declined it (and in doing so, any future support) on the basis that PSTD was the diagnosis and not DID, despite their team never attempting to screen DID - and our therapist stating that he had met various parts/alters, discussed various symptoms and had run us through parts of the diagnostic process. He returned the recovery report with DID edited to state PSTD, and no further questions were asked.
I know Amber/🔥 finds this hilariously depressing. As she puts it, "DID is basically PSTD+, I don't see their issue with the difference, what the f**k?! Both are recognised trauma disorders??!?! and ACC's own website states that DID is a trauma response and has similarity to PSTD" [quote taken from our chat after I told her that ACC declined DID, but accepted PSTD].
Jay dislikes formal diagnosis related to mental disorders as he has had first-hand experience with various psychotic and DID individuals being discriminated against in the medical field, and outside, especially when they have intersecting identities like we do. Quote "It's an ink-blot you can't remove, once it's there, it's there. We can't remove it." and reiterated that if medical professionals need to know why we're disassociated or have bad memory, that it's in relation to PSTD and ADHD.
We have DID recognised by medical professionals; our general practitioner, Jay/our psych and our gynaecologist all know and understand that we have DID and what that means for future, medications and mental health; however we do not have the piece of paper that categorically states that "this person has DID"
I hope this answers it well. You are most welcome to ask more questions if you have them.
-Kyle (💜)
Catherine wants to make people more aware about how important it is to be aware of these issues.
She knew him for 20 years. He worked as a police officer. 90 days as a punishment is such a pathetic sentence. Total rubbish. this guy is evil and who knows how many victims of his assaults have stayed unknown. What a scums serve in the law enforcement…
Please share.
i think about this a lot
queenofdarkestshadows:
Zoya set her jaw, her blue eyes fixing on Genya with that casually murderous glare, she loved to offer people around her. But it was gone as soon as it came, and she actually smiled at Genya. ❝I know how to use a heart and how to break one with my beauty..and not to be broken because of it. Maybe if you weren’t so naïve with your accomplishments you could learn a trick or two. ❞ The raven girl flickers her fingers, sending a light breeze of wind to ruffle her locks for an additional effect of her already mesmerising beauty.
Genya stood, silent, in the doorway. Oh, the redhead knew a lot about beauty and how to wield it as a weapon. She’d laced her lips, her skin with poison, feeding it to the king. The one who’d taken her innocence and so many nights of her life. But of course, Zoya and the other Grisha didn’t know the whole truth. The only knew her as the Queen’s pet and the King’s whore. The Darkling had been her only friend until David but, even then, David didn’t know the full extent of what went on behind closed doors. Alina had been a friend too ,more recently. Friends don’t lie to each other, said a little voice in her head. Don’t fool yourself. None of it was real. She shook her head, focusing on Zoya again. ❛ I’m not the fragile doll you’ve met years ago, Zoya. I’ve grown but, most of all, i’ve learned. You pride yourself for being his favorite but let me tell you something... No amount of power will get you his LOVE, darling. Love cannot be bought or taken. It is given, freely.❜