Mental Breakdown - Tumblr Posts

I should probably say sorry for not being able to keep up with the prompt challenge and just like yesterday won't be able to do it tonight, I want to but it's been a very long and hectic day, specifically for my mental health and I need the right motivation to write it up.

I hope you all understand. And I'm sorry..

However thank you for all the support. It's been pushing me to keep doing this or I would have given up long ago. So thank you!! You people are just great... 💜🦋

Hey guys this is ever heavy note not involving any games but family.

My brother suffers from serve depression and suicide thought and I know many others do too and I think this might help anyone who would like to know.

He used to do alot of self harm back a year of 2 ago and I've been trying to help him thought it. It started off really bad to the point I had to move half way across the country so we didn't keep conflicting due I also suffer from serve Anxiety and depression.

When I finally did come back home my little brother and I made a deal of a sort. When ever he thought he was going to hurt himself he would bring me all of his knives and weapons.

And I am to hide them away until I believe he is good to have them back.

And he does the same for me when I feel my lowest low I go and get pericings as my way to cope. He comes with me to make sure I'm alright. So I'm very thankful for him and I'm glad he trust me enough to had over something which he used as an escape from the world

How the fuck am I supposed to cope... I had an episode and I want to play angry birds about it... that's all I wanted to do to feel better... but it costs money now... what has the world come to...

Had the worst meltdown/panic attack combo since a month ago today and I'm PISSED because now my most recent panic episode is about boring adult things (popped tire and work issues) and not about fun things that are silly to look back on (horse in my yard)

i had a mini breakdown yesterday but I’m fine now lol

Y’all it’s really 4:27 am, I have 3 classes tomorrow (today), and I swear I’m just sitting here having a mental breakdown over how much I love madney. Like, is that healthy?? 🤔

yeah, sometimes they may see me as being cold, but in reality I'm just unspeakably sad, hurt and dealing with feelings...

and honestly, why should I say it, when they either judge or don't take me seriously and just saying "it's all in your head, snap out of it" like my feelings wouldn't be valid and with that, pushing me more into this state?

they never acknowledge or notice that.

No wonder why I always feel like I constantly have to protect myself and shut myself down. It's so damn exhausting.

maybe it's just me and just stupid, but when I'm in a bad state I lowkey just wanna hide from the world and I really don't wanna be seen

lunch break, everyone is sitting at the same table and you're the only one sitting alone. I mean, I wouldn't sit to them, but it would have felt good if they would have offer it rather then ignoring me...

never felt so alone...

have you ever wonder if some people regret the way they treated you/what they did to you, at all, or they just sweep it under the rug like it never happened?

losing your best friend is a feeling you just can't even explain. It breaks you so much that you're just not the same after that...

yeah, sometimes I make mistakes, but they don't even recognise how badly I'm trying and trying to keep everything together in the meanwhile. I'm deeply sorry when I lose my track and screw up, but you shouldn't treat me like I'm the worst person, because of that and that I will always screw up...

I mean...how could anyone possibly like someone like...me?

it's so heartbreaking to see that they became cold towards you, they have fun without you and you just sit there and have to watch them while feeling awful and left out, unwanted, abandoned. And they don't even care about your existence anymore...they replaced you...

kinda feels like I'm only there in people's lives to fill the void when their people is not there...

My four main mood

Grumpy

Clingy and emotionally soft

Sleepy

V̷̨̡̢̭͖͈̦̼͉̥̰̬͓͇̜̥̫̳̺̗̪̼̬̜̠͖̘̪̬̼̗̱̯̹̘̽̍̀̏͊̉̔̕͝ͅͅͅ ̶̢̭̞̰̭͈͔̙̗̥̺̲̤͈̘̫͋͂̌͐̾̀̀͐͗̈́̓̅͐̆̂̅̀̾̃̈́̆͗̔͘̚͜Ơ̶̼̪̫̣͔͚͔̦̮̳̝̔͋̓̏̅̐̏̉̓̈́͊͒̌̚͘͝͝͠ ̴̨̧̨̧̡̢̧̝̩̫̝̩͉̣͎̞̱̗̥̻̞͔̥͚͖̰̗̟̳̳̟̱̯̗̯̥̦̬̫̳̑̔̾̊̇͂̒̋͜ͅĮ̸͙͕̗̭̩͚͎̝̺̬͓̝̮̦̲̩̪̖̦̜͔̗̹̭̙̰̰̓̀̓̽̚̚̕ͅ ̵̨̡̛̛̯̻̞͙̻̳͚̰͙̲̮̭̥͙̀͑̈̍̏̐͑̿͐̒̃̈́͗͋͐͊̕͝͝Ḓ̷̢̨̡̨̩̠̜̳̘̯͇̬̙̜̤͍̦̮͈̮̗̩̼̙̭̯̫̦̘̜̥̙͖͔̘̹͇͈̬͛̈͗̈̓̆̉͜͜͜ͅ

Whehehehe I’m the anon that requested the yandere Feitan headcanons as a trans man with anxiety and sensory issues (with loud noises) I ate that up it was so good 🙏🙏🙏

My good sir may I request Feitan again (wahahaha I’m so gay) comforting his S/O having a mental breakdown

Could literally be about anything my anxiety/panic attacks end up turning into mental breakdowns anyway

May I be 🗿 anon?

You asked at a good time! And totally, welcome 🗿anon! It may not be accurate, though- TvT

You were sobbing, shaking, scratching at your arms. You were curled up in bed, in the corner of the bed that was in the corner of the room.

You'd had such a hard week. You'd started your period, and every morning , you woke up in complete pain because of cramps. Your boyfriend hadn't been able to come see you at all at any point this week. And there was an assignment at work that everyone had to do, and it seemed you were the only one overwhelmed by it. On top of that, your boss wouldn't allow you any accommodations so you could get the job done.

Safe to say, the fact that you hadn't broken down until Friday was astonishing.

Feitan decided to surprise his beautiful boyfriend. He was finally able to come home from his mission.

When he entered, though, he could hear your crying. Immediately, he rushed to your shared bedroom.

“Flame?! Little Flame?! What wrong baby?..”

You couldn't speak properly, so he had you write everything down. As soon as you wrote the word 'period', he put his hands on your abdomen.

“I'm so sorry, Pretty boy.. I should've noticed you were going to start.. And those assholes.. Why don't you stop working. I'll pay the bills. I'll spoil you. You get to stay home and be my handsome boy.”

T T

This is brilliant, so beautiful, poor Telemachus enduring even harder treatment than his father from Athena, how he's on the brink of madness before the Hunt and FAILING!!. But I love the hug and the total breakdown of Athena while still being her!, yes she starts feeling emotions but eons of coldness are not undone with a hug; she doesn't apologize, no, that's where the beauty of this post resides! Is her first time feeling like a failure to her domain.

As not being human this is her first time being vulnerable, Vulnerable!??? Goddess of Wisdom, master of War????!!! Vulnerable towards a mortal???!!!

What a loser, a fake in her mind. Everything to fail and she letting a mortal touch her in this moment; WHAT AM I?????

THE KNITTING SAGA BUT MAKE IT SAD

part 1 part 2

lets talk about relationships, shall we. i'm gonna focus on Athena & Telemachus this time, but Hermes will have his turn later

let's be real, Athena is a hardass. sure, she cares, but she's so emotionally constipated that it really doesn't show that much. especially before she goes through that character development arc after her break with Odysseus in My Goodbye

(and what a crisis that is)

(because her masterpiece??? failed her??? but she trusted him??? she made him as in her image as possible??? he was supposed to be perfect???)

(and if he's not perfect, then she failed,,, and she can't fail, she doesn't fail,,, she's a goddess,,, war strategy is her domain, surely there is no way her plan could be flawed,,,)

(what even is the point of her if she's not perfect)

so yeah, she's a hardass. even on baby Telemachus who'd never held a sword before - especially on baby Telemachus, because he's the son of her favored Champion. he may be waaay younger than any of her previous pupils, but she's expecting him to shine just as bright.

Athena, on the first day: let's get down to business! make your father proud! you won't have a weakness! by the time we're done! you're the saddest pupil that I've had! and you haven't got a clue! but I will make a man outta you! Telemachus, a literal toddler, holding a wooden sword as big as himself: ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

and for years to come she trains him relentlessly. she's honestly trying to be nice about it, too. it's just that Athena doesn't do soft or gentle, her default is a neutral face of displeasure, and her idea of encouragement is saying you're not as bad as you used to be, or something along these lines.

Telemachus: *succeeds at something* Athena: *raises an eyebrow in a slightly different manner than usually* Telemachus: *le gasp* could it b-be? am I doing a good job??? Athena: it's… acceptable for your age.

she never once tells him she is proud of him. because surely he already knows. he doesn't need to hear it. his father didn't, after all (odysseus so fucking did)

and this goes on until Telemachus reaches double digits. then My Goodbye happens, and Athena has Feelings™. she's having an existential crisis, and has to confront the fact that she had done something wrong while training Odysseus, and she can't understand what. which is terrifying, because what if she makes a mistake like that with Telemachus. will he fail her too?

will she have to leave him too, so she doesn't watch him die horribly in a tragedy that could've been prevented if only she had made him see-

so Athena doubles down and starts demanding more and more from Telemachus. the praise goes from sparse to non-existent, and nothing he does seems to be enough anymore. she goes from tough love to borderline verbal abuse, thinking that it's the only way to keep him safe and prepare him for the future.

and Telemachus endures. he has to, because he doesn't want his mother to worry. doesn't want to appear weak. Odysseus had done it, so it's only fair his son should too. and when his dad comes home, he'll be sooo impressed. he can do it!

except…. not really. it's been a losing battle since the beginning, and deep down he knows it. he cant win with Athena, not on his own.

???: if you want to impress her, you'll need the blessing of a certain god! divine intervention! someone who's not afraid to- telemachus: aeolus, what are doing in my closet?!

so anyway, Aeolus and winions start helping him via winds and stuff, and Telemachus actually starts exceeding everyone's expectations. it's not that he'd been bad before, but he's soft, and not quite strong enough physically to make up for his gentle constitution

everyone is cheering him on. he's the talk of the palace! his mom is so proud! the suitors start sizing him up with consideration instead of dismissing him outright! (and tele, baby, that's not a good thing! ಠ_ಠ). Athena seems pleased for the first time in ages!! but he knows that it's all a lie, and it's killing him.

cause he's a good, honest boye, and he wants to succeed on his own merit, not because of cheating and lying to everyone he loves. that's vile and dishonorable.

que some very important island-wide competition that everyone is expecting him to join and win. maybe it's even his duty as a prince. like, a right of passage from complete boyhood to adolescence.

and there's,,, a lot of pressure on Telemachus to suceed. everyone and their mother are telling him that of course he's got this, he's a prodigy! def his father's son! nobody doubts his incoming victory! he's got this! he definitely won't disappoint them!

random noble: we'll be cheering you on, young prince! truly, we are blessed by the gods to have such a talented successor to the throne! we'll watch with keen eyes as you triumph over your foes and bring even more honor to your family! b(￣▽￣*) telemachus, eye twitching: y-yeah… thank you… (ㆆ _ ㆆ)

so, the night before the competition Telemachus can barely sleep, he's so wrecked by guilt and nerves. he keeps thinking - what would his father do in this situation? all the stories he'd ever heard of Odysseus always painted him as some kind of invincible, righteous, all-capable genius. so the idea of his dad ever grappling with guilt and feelings of inadequacy is just laughable. (oh, if only he knew)

so, he goes to his mom for advice. because Penelope is awesome. but he can't bring himself to admit that's he's cheating - what if she's ashamed of him? he brought dishonor to his father's name, and if anyone knows - will he get exiled?

so yeah, he basically has a panic attack and cries for like, half an hour straight.

telemachus, bawling: if I lose tomorrow, will you hate me? will dad hate me? I can't do anything right and I'm a failure and a horrible person and- just- what do I do, mother? penelope, holding him: oh, love. sometimes you're so similar to your father I wonder if the gods haven't returned him to me in spirit through you.

because no matter what everyone else says, Penelope knows the truth - Odysseus always followed his heart. oh, how he may have tried to forget he had one, to only ever use his head. but a heart he did have - does have, they have to believe that - and it's a bright and a gentle one. he may have been hardened by years of pain and struggle in a way that Telemachus hadn't yet (and Penelope's heart breaks from knowledge that her son will be, one day). but deep down, at ther cores, Odysseus and Telemachus are strikingly similar. and she loves them all the more for it.

and so, with his mother's blessing, the young prince does just as she told him to: follows his heart. he thanks Aeolus for their help, and asks them to stop giving it from now on. either he'll suceed on his own merit, or he'll wear his failure as a badge of honor and an incentive to do better.

and he loses. badly.

and the world,,, doesn't end? sure, the suitors sneer and jeer, but there's a surprising lack of disowning and exile going around. and the nobles tone it down significantly with undeserved adoration, which is definitely a plus, as far as he's concerned.

the only thing is. Athena.

oh boy.

because she's not stupid. Telemachus may have gotten away with cheating so far, but now he'll have to answer to her why he had flunked so badly, and she won't buy his go-to excuse of 'I got nervous!'

athena, expression unreadable: so. care to explain yourself, my stupid pupil? telemachus: w-well, you see… ha-ha… it's, uh… a funny story… athena: you threw away your best advantage! you've had a god perfectly willing to assist you and yet you still somehow managed to lose! telemachus: wait, what-

so yeah, Athena knew all along.

athena, mildly insulted: how stupid do you think I am, boy? telemachus: but! but! but!.. you never said anything! didn't even scold me for cheating! athena, even more insulted: child, I am the goddess of war strategy, where did you get the idea that I ever play fair abd straightforward? leave that to ares, the simple-minded fool!

to clarify, she's not upset at him for cheating. she's upset that he stopped doing so. so she throws some choice words at him, implying he lacks both talent and intelligence

and Telemachus defends himself by saying that he'd rather fail on his own merit, than abandon his principles and win by lying and dishonoring his family. in response, she calls him naive.

he tries to implore to her connection to his father by saying that he was just trying to do what's right. he was following his heart, just as Odysseus had always strived to. and he's training to fight for his loved ones, not for glory of being known.

it's a one hit K.O., because it reminds Athena of her recent break-up with Odysseus. of everything they spat at each other during My Goodbye. of anger, if hurt, of disappointment, of betrayal, of I loved you and you failed me, of I loved you and I failed you, of good riddance! and y̶͈̔o̴̘̖͆u̶̻̱͆͒'̸̫̩̌̉r̷̼͝e̴̩̒ ̴͎̻̈́̎ȧ̸̦l̵̗͙͌̐o̸͚͕̚n̷̟̯͠e̵̳̩͠

and is their whole line just cursed? is it their way of punishing her for something? why do they both hurt her so? is it her fault?

telemachus: athena? are… are you okay? (‘-’*) athena, coming off MG flashbacks: well, obviously, boy, why would you even ask that (ಥ﹏ಥ)

Telemachus just hugs her, because she obviously needs it. and she melts into it like never before.

because she wasn't made for empathy or kindness. she's born to be ruthless and cold. she's not supposed to love and be loved care about anything but winning. it doesn't come natural to Athena, until recently she had truly thought herself unable to, and yet-

yet here, right in front of her, is a boy who loves for the both of them. loves the whole world - sincerely, selflessly. a truly kind and caring soul (the noble even joke that is true father is Polites).

she can't love.

but maybe… maybe he will teach her.

maybe he already did.

or maybe she always could.

she forgets sometimes, that her fingers know not only the roughness of swords and spears, but also the gentle softness of weaved silk. creation goes hand in hand with destruction, and she can bind countless threads together without breaking them.

and what are humans, if not strings, waiting to be cut by the fates?

also, if Telemachus can teach the goddess of cold cynicism and detached cruelty kindness of all things, then she can teach him swordplay.

yes, it's a threat.

I am an unstable person both physically and mentally

Just something personal to vent since I don’t know when I’ll be able to go back to therapy.

I have been going in and out of existential and mortality crises(plural?) and I have very steadily decreasing mental health due to the stress from my responsibilities and my own passions.

I have told my partner every time any of these happens. And then they leave me alone for god knows how long… hours and hours by myself in my own head with this deafening silence. And obviously when they come back I would appreciate comfort and I ask, they decline and now I’m mad and sad, generally upset at everything and I don’t know what to do and I have to wake up early but all I want to do is cry. :) so very okay. And now I’m faking going to bed to avoid confrontation because I don’t want them to worry when they’re doing something.